Happy St. Patrick's Day

In Savannah, there is a large St. Patrick's celebration which borders on the obscene. The hallmarks of this celebration are the descent of revelers from all over the country, with the express intention of drinking until they vomit on the sidewalk . Its not pretty. I thought that perhaps it would be good to remember the man and Saint, Patrick today.

The following Confession can be found here.


The Confession of St. Patrick

1. I, Patrick, a sinner, a most simple countryman, the least of all
the faithful and most contemptible to many, had for father the
eacon Calpurnius, son of the late Potitus, a priest, of the settlement
[vicus] of Bannavem Taburniae; he had a small villa nearby where I
was taken captive. I was at that time about sixteen years of age. I
did not, indeed, know the true God; and I was taken into captivity in
Ireland with many thousands of people, according to our deserts, for
quite drawn away from God, we did not keep his precepts, nor were we
obedient to our priests who used to remind us of our salvation. And
the Lord brought down on us the fury of his being and scattered us
among many nations, even to the ends of the earth, where I, in my
smallness, am now to be found among foreigners.

2. And there the Lord opened my mind to an awareness of my unbelief,
in order that, even so late, I might remember my transgressions and
turn with all my heart to the Lord my God, who had regard for my
insignificance and pitied my youth and ignorance. And he watched over
me before I knew him, and before I learned sense or even
distinguished between good and evil, and he protected me, and
consoled me as a father would his son.

3. Therefore, indeed, I cannot keep silent, nor would it be proper,
so many favours and graces has the Lord deigned to bestow on me in
the land of my captivity. For after chastisement from God, and
recognizing him, our way to repay him is to exalt him and confess his
wonders before every nation under heaven.

4. For there is no other God, nor ever was before, nor shall be
hereafter, but God the Father, unbegotten and without beginning, in
whom all things began, whose are all things, as we have been taught;
and his son Jesus Christ, who manifestly always existed with the
Father, before the beginning of time in the spirit with the Father,
indescribably begotten before all things, and all things visible and
invisible were made by him. He was made man, conquered death and was
received into Heaven, to the Father who gave him all power over every
name in Heaven and on Earth and in Hell, so that every tongue should
confess that Jesus Christ is Lord and God, in whom we believe. And we
look to his imminent coming again, the judge of the living and the
dead, who will render to each according to his deeds. And he poured
out his Holy Spirit on us in abundance, the gift and pledge of
immortality, which makes the believers and the obedient into sons of
God and co-heirs of Christ who is revealed, and we worship one God in
the Trinity of holy name.

5. He himself said through the prophet: `Call upon me in the day of'
trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.' And
again: `It is right to reveal and publish abroad the works of God.'

6. I am imperfect in many things, nevertheless I want my brethren and
kinsfolk to know my nature so that they may be able to perceive my
soul's desire.

7. I am not ignorant of what is said of my Lord in the Psalm: `You
destroy those who speak a lie.' And again: `A lying mouth deals death
to the soul.' And likewise the Lord says in the Gospel: `On the day
of judgment men shall render account for every idle word they utter.'

8. So it is that I should mightily fear, with terror and trembling,
this judgment on the day when no one shall be able to steal away or
hide, but each and all shall render account for even our smallest
sins before the judgment seat of Christ the Lord.

9. And therefore for some time I have thought of writing, but I have
hesitated until now, for truly, I feared to expose myself to the
criticism of men, because I have not studied like others, who have
assimilated both Law and the Holy Scriptures equally and have never
changed their idiom since their infancy, but instead were always
learning it increasingly, to perfection, while my idiom and language
have been translated into a foreign tongue. So it is easy to prove
from a sample of my writing, my ability in rhetoric and the extent of
my preparation and knowledge, for as it is said, `wisdom shall be
recognized in speech, and in understanding, and in knowledge and in
the learning of truth.'

10. But why make excuses close to the truth, especially when now I am
presuming to try to grasp in my old age what I did not gain in my
youth because my sins prevented me from making what I had read my
own? But who will believe me, even though I should say it again? A
young man, almost a beardless boy, I was taken captive before I knew
what I should desire and what I should shun. So, consequently, today
I feel ashamed and I am mightily afraid to expose my ignorance,
because, [not] eloquent, with a small vocabulary, I am unable to
explain as the spirit is eager to do and as the soul and the mind
indicate.

11. But had it been given to me as to others, in gratitude I should
not have kept silent, and if it should appear that I put myself
before others, with my ignorance and my slower speech, in truth, it
is written: `The tongue of the stammerers shall speak rapidly and
distinctly.' How much harder must we try to attain it, we of whom it
is said: `You are an epistle of Christ in greeting to the ends of the
earth . . . written on your hearts, not with ink but with the Spirit
of the living God.' And again, the Spirit witnessed that the rustic
life was created by the Most High.

12. I am, then, first of all, countryfied, an exile, evidently
unlearned, one who is not able to see into the future, but I know for
certain, that before I was humbled I was like a stone lying in deep
mire, and he that is mighty came and in his mercy raised me up and,
indeed, lifted me high up and placed me on top of the wall. And from
there I ought to shout out in gratitude to the Lord for his great
favours in this world and for ever, that the mind of man cannot
measure.

13. Therefore be amazed, you great and small who fear God, and you
men of God, eloquent speakers, listen and contemplate. Who was it
summoned me, a fool, from the midst of those who appear wise and
learned in the law and powerful in rhetoric and in all things? Me,
truly wretched in this world, he inspired before others that I could
be—if I would—such a one who, with fear and reverence, and
faithfully, without complaint, would come to the people to whom the
love of Christ brought me and gave me in my lifetime, if I should be
worthy, to serve them truly and with humility.

14. According, therefore, to the measure of one's faith in the
Trinity, one should proceed without holding back from danger to make
known the gift of God and everlasting consolation, to spread God's
name everywhere with confidence and without fear, in order to leave
behind, after my death, foundations for my brethren and sons whom I
baptized in the Lord in so many thousands.

15. And I was not worthy, nor was I such that the Lord should grant
his humble servant this, that after hardships and such great trials,
after captivity, after many years, he should give me so much favour
in these people, a thing which in the time of my youth I neither
hoped for nor imagined.

16. But after I reached Ireland I used to pasture the flock each day
and I used to pray many times a day. More and more did the love of
God, and my fear of him and faith increase, and my spirit was moved
so that in a day [I said] from one up to a hundred prayers, and in
the night a like number; besides I used to stay out in the forests
and on the mountain and I would wake up before daylight to pray in
the snow, in icy coldness, in rain, and I used to feel neither ill
nor any slothfulness, because, as I now see, the Spirit was burning
in me at that time.

17. And it was there of course that one night in my sleep I heard a
voice saying to me: `You do well to fast: soon you will depart for
your home country.' And again, a very short time later, there was a
voice prophesying: `Behold, your ship is ready.' And it was not close
by, but, as it happened, two hundred miles away, where I had never
been nor knew any person. And shortly thereafter I turned about and
fled from the man with whom I had been for six years, and I came, by
the power of God who directed my route to advantage (and I was afraid
of nothing), until I reached that ship.

18. And on the same day that I arrived, the ship was setting out from
the place, and I said that I had the wherewithal to sail with them;
and the steersman was displeased and replied in anger, sharply: `By
no means attempt to go with us.' Hearing this I left them to go to
the hut where I was staying, and on the way I began to pray, and
before the prayer was finished I heard one of them shouting loudly
after me: `Come quickly because the men are calling you.' And
immediately I went back to them and they started to say to me: `Come,
because we are admitting you out of good faith; make friendship with
us in any way you wish.' (And so, on that day, I refused to suck the
breasts of these men from fear of God, but nevertheless I had hopes
that they would come to faith in Jesus Christ, because they were
barbarians.) And for this I continued with them, and forthwith we put
to sea.

19. And after three days we reached land, and for twenty-eight days
journeyed through uninhabited country, and the food ran out and
hunger overtook them; and one day the steersman began saying: `Why is
it, Christian? You say your God is great and all-powerful; then why
can you not pray for us? For we may perish of hunger; it is unlikely
indeed that we shall ever see another human being.' In fact, I said
to them, confidently: `Be converted by faith with all your heart to
my Lord God, because nothing is impossible for him, so that today he
will send food for you on your road, until you be sated, because
everywhere he abounds.' And with God's help this came to pass; and
behold, a herd of swine appeared on the road before our eyes, and
they slew many of them, and remained there for two nights, and the
men were full of their meat and well restored, for many of them had
fainted and would otherwise have been left half dead by the wayside.
And after this they gave the utmost thanks to God, and I was esteemed
in their eyes, and from that day they had food abundantly. They
discovered wild honey, besides, and they offered a share to me, and
one of them said: `It is a sacrifice.' Thanks be to God, I tasted
none of it.

20. The very same night while I was sleeping Satan attacked me
violently, as I will remember as long as I shall be in this body; and
there fell on top of me as it were, a huge rock, and not one of my
members had any force. But from whence did it come to me, ignorant in
the spirit, to call upon `Helias'? And meanwhile I saw the sun rising
in the sky, and while I was crying out `Helias, Helias' with all my
might, lo, the brilliance of that sun fell upon me and immediately
shook me free of all the weight; and I believe that I was aided by
Christ my Lord, and that his Spirit then was crying out for me, and I
hope that it will be so in the day of my affliction, just as it says
in the Gospel: `In that hour', the Lord declares, `it is not you who
speaks but the Spirit of your Father speaking in you.'

21. And a second time, after many years, I was taken captive. On the
first night I accordingly remained with my captors, but I heard a
divine prophecy, saying to me: `You shall be with them for two
months.' So it happened. On the sixtieth night the Lord delivered me
from their hands.

22. On the journey he provided us with food and fire and dry weather
every day, until on the tenth day we came upon people. As I mentioned
above, we had journeyed through an unpopulated country for twenty-
eight days, and in fact the night that we came upon people we had no
food.

23. And after a few years I was again in Britain with my parents
[kinsfolk], and they welcomed me as a son, and asked me, in faith,
that after the great tribulations I had endured I should not go
anywhere else away from them. And, of course, there, in a vision of
the night, I saw a man whose name was Victoricus coming as if from
Ireland with innumerable letters, and he gave me one of them, and I
read the beginning of the letter: `The Voice of the Irish'; and as I
was reading the beginning of the letter I seemed at that moment to
hear the voice of those who were beside the forest of Foclut which is
near the western sea, and they were crying as if with one voice: `We
beg you, holy youth, that you shall come and shall walk again among
us.' And I was stung intensely in my heart so that I could read no
more, and thus I awoke. Thanks be to God, because after so many years
the Lord bestowed on them according to their cry.

24. And another night—God knows, I do not, whether within me or
beside me— . . . most words + . . . + which I heard and could not
understand, except at the end of the speech it was represented
thus: `He who gave his life for you, he it is who speaks within you.'
And thus I awoke, joyful.

25. And on a second occasion I saw Him praying within me, and I was
as it were, inside my own body , and I heard Him above me—that is,
above my inner self. He was praying powerfully with sighs. And in the
course of this I was astonished and wondering, and I pondered who it
could be who was praying within me. But at the end of the prayer it
was revealed to me that it was the Spirit. And so I awoke and
remembered the Apostle's words: `Likewise the Spirit helps us in our
weakness; for we know not how to pray as we ought. But the Spirit
Himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for utterance.' And
again: 'The Lord our advocate intercedes for us.'

26. And then I was attacked by a goodly number of my elders, who
[brought up] my sins against my arduous episcopate. That day in
particular I was mightily upset, and might have fallen here and for
ever; but the Lord generously spared me, a convert, and an alien, for
his name's sake, and he came powerfully to my assistance in that
state of being trampled down. I pray God that it shall not be held
against them as a sin that I fell truly into disgrace and scandal.

27. They brought up against me after thirty years an occurrence I had
confessed before becoming a deacon. On account of the anxiety in my
sorrowful mind, I laid before my close friend what I had perpetrated
on a day—nay, rather in one hour—in my boyhood because I was not yet
proof against sin. God knows—I do not—whether I was fifteen years old
at the time, and I did not then believe in the living God, nor had I
believed, since my infancy; but I remained in death and unbelief
until I was severely rebuked, and in truth I was humbled every day by
hunger and nakedness.

28. On the other hand, I did not proceed to Ireland of my own accord
until I was almost giving up, but through this I was corrected by the
Lord, and he prepared me so that today I should be what was once far
from me, in order that I should have the care of—or rather, I should
be concerned for—the salvation of others, when at that time, still, I
was only concerned for myself.

29. Therefore, on that day when I was rebuked, as I have just
mentioned, I saw in a vision of the night a document before my face,
without honour, and meanwhile I heard a divine prophecy, saying to
me: `We have seen with displeasure the face of the chosen one
divested of [his good] name.' And he did not say `You have seen with
displeasure', but `We have seen with displeasure' (as if He included
Himself) . He said then: `He who touches you, touches the apple of my
eye.'

30. For that reason, I give thanks to him who strengthened me in all
things, so that I should not be hindered in my setting out and also
in my work which I was taught by Christ my Lord; but more, from that
state of affairs I felt, within me, no little courage, and vindicated
my faith before God and man.

31. Hence, therefore, I say boldly that my conscience is clear now
and hereafter. God is my witness that I have not lied in these words
to you.

32. But rather, I am grieved for my very close friend, that because
of him we deserved to hear such a prophecy. The one to whom I
entrusted my soul! And I found out from a goodly number of brethren,
before the case was made in my defence (in which I did not take part,
nor was I in Britain, nor was it pleaded by me), that in my absence
he would fight in my behalf. Besides, he told me himself: `See, the
rank of bishop goes to you'—of which I was not worthy. But how did it
come to him, shortly afterwards, to disgrace me publicly, in the
presence of all, good and bad, because previously, gladly and of is
own free will, he pardoned me, as did the Lord, who is greater than
all?

33. I have said enough. But all the same, I ought not to conceal
God's gift which he lavished on us in the land of my captivity, for
then I sought him resolutely, and I found him there, and he preserved
me from all evils (as I believe) through the in-dwelling of his
Spirit, which works in me to this day. Again, boldly, but God knows,
if this had been made known to me by man, I might, perhaps, have kept
silent for the love of Christ.

34. Thus I give untiring thanks to God who kept me faithful in the
day of my temptation, so that today I may confidently offer my soul
as a living sacrifice for Christ my Lord; who am I, Lord? or, rather,
what is my calling? that you appeared to me in so great a divine
quality, so that today among the barbarians I might constantly exalt
and magnify your name in whatever place I should be, and not only in
good fortune, but even in affliction? So that whatever befalls me, be
it good or bad, I should accept it equally, and give thanks always to
God who revealed to me that I might trust in him, implicitly and
forever, and who will encourage me so that, ignorant, and in the last
days, I may dare to undertake so devout and so wonderful a work; so
that I might imitate one of those whom, once, long ago, the Lord
already pre-ordained to be heralds of his Gospel to witness to all
peoples to the ends of the earth. So are we seeing, and so it is
fulfilled; behold, we are witnesses because the Gospel has been
preached as far as the places beyond which no man lives.

35. But it is tedious to describe in detail all my labours one by
one. I will tell briefly how most holy God frequently delivered me,
from slavery, and from the twelve trials with which my soul was
threatened, from man traps as well, and from things I am not able to
put into words. I would not cause offence to readers, but I have God
as witness who knew all things even before they happened, that,
though I was a poor, ignorant waif, still he gave me abundant
warnings through divine prophecy.

36. Whence came to me this wisdom which was not my own, I who neither
knew the number of days nor had knowledge of God? Whence came the so
great and so healthful gift of knowing or rather loving God, though I
should lose homeland and family?

37. And many gifts were offered to me with weeping and tears, and I
offended them [the donors], and also went against the wishes of a
good number of my elders; but guided by God, I neither agreed with
them nor deferred to them, not by my own grace but by God who is
victorious in me and withstands them all, so that I might come to the
Irish people to preach the Gospel and endure insults from
unbelievers; that I might hear scandal of my travels, and endure many
persecutions to the extent of prison; and so that I might give up my
free birthright for the advantage of others, and if I should be
worthy, I am ready [to give] even my life without hesitation; and
most willingly for His name. And I choose to devote it to him even
unto death, if God grant it to me.

38. I am greatly God's debtor, because he granted me so much grace,
that through me many people would be reborn in God, and soon a after
confirmed, and that clergy would be ordained everywhere for them, the
masses lately come to belief, whom the Lord drew from the ends of the
earth, just as he once promised through his prophets: `To you shall
the nations come from the ends of the earth, and shall say, "Our
fathers have inherited naught but lies, worthless things in which
there is no profit."' And again: `I have set you to be a light for
the Gentiles that you may bring salvation to the uttermost ends of
the earth.'

39. And I wish to wait then for his promise which is never
unfulfilled, just as it is promised in the Gospel: `Many shall come
from east and west and shall sit at table with Abraham and Isaac and
Jacob.' Just as we believe that believers will come from all the
world,

40. So for that reason one should, in fact, fish well and diligently,
just as the Lord foretells and teaches, saying, `Follow me, and I
will make you fishers of men,' and, again, through the
prophets: `"Behold, I am sending forth many fishers and hunters,"
says the Lord,' et cetera. So it behoved us to spread our nets, that
a vast multitude and throng might be caught for God, and so there
might be clergy everywhere who baptized and exhorted a needy and
desirous people. Just as the Lord says in the Gospel, admonishing and
instructing: `Go therefore and make disciples of all nations,
baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the
Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you;
and lo, I am with you always to the end of time.' And again he
says: `Go forth into the world and preach the Gospel to all creation.
He who believes and is baptized shall be saved; but he who does not
believe shall be condemned.' And again: `This Gospel of the Kingdom
shall be preached throughout the whole world as a witness to all
nations; and then the end of the world shall come.' And likewise the
Lord foretells through the prophet: `And it shall come to pass in the
last days (sayeth the Lord) that I will pour out my spirit upon all
flesh, and your sons and daughters shall prophesy, and your young men
shall see visions and your old men shall dream dreams; yea, and on my
menservants and my maidservants in those days I will pour out my
Spirit and they shall prophesy.' And in Hosea he says: `Those who are
not my people I will call my people, and those not beloved I will
call my beloved, and in the very place where it was said to
them, "You are not my people," they will be called 'Sons of the
living God."'

41. So, how is it that in Ireland, where they never had any knowledge
of God but, always, until now, cherished idols and unclean things,
they are lately become a people of the Lord, and are called children
of God; the sons of the Irish [Scotti] and the daughters of the
chieftains are to be seen as monks and virgins of Christ.

42. And there was, besides, a most beautiful, blessed, native-born
noble Irish [Scotta] woman of adult age whom I baptized; and a few
days later she had reason to come to us to intimate that she had
received a prophecy from a divine messenger [who] advised her that
she should become a virgin of Christ and she would draw nearer to
God. Thanks be to God, six days from then, opportunely and most
eagerly, she took the course that all virgins of God take, not with
their fathers' consent but enduring the persecutions and deceitful
hindrances of their parents. Notwithstanding that, their number
increases, (we do not know the number of them that are so reborn)
besides the widows, and those who practise self-denial. Those who are
kept in slavery suffer the most. They endure terrors and constant
threats, but the Lord has given grace to many of his handmaidens, for
even though they are forbidden to do so, still they resolutely follow
his example.

43. So it is that even if I should wish to separate from them in
order to go to Britain, and most willingly was I prepared to go to my
homeland and kinsfolk—and not only there, but as far as Gaul to visit
the brethren there, so that I might see the faces of the holy ones of
my Lord, God knows how strongly I desired this—I am bound by the
Spirit, who witnessed to me that if I did so he would mark me out as
guilty, and I fear to waste the labour that I began, and not I, but
Christ the Lord, who commanded me to come to be with them for the
rest of my life, if the Lord shall will it and shield me from every
evil, so that I may not sin before him.

44. So I hope that I did as I ought, but I do not trust myself as
long as I am in this mortal body, for he is strong who strives daily
to turn me away from the faith and true holiness to which I aspire
until the end of my life for Christ my Lord, but the hostile flesh is
always dragging one down to death, that is, to unlawful attractions.
And I know in part why I did not lead a perfect life like other
believers, but I confess to my Lord and do not blush in his sight,
because I am not lying; from the time when I came to know him in my
youth, the love of God and fear of him increased in me, and right up
until now, by God's favour, I have kept the faith.

45. What is more, let anyone laugh and taunt if he so wishes. I am
not keeping silent, nor am I hiding the signs and wonders that were
shown to me by the Lord many years before they happened, [he] who
knew everything, even before the beginning of time.

46. Thus, I should give thanks unceasingly to God, who frequently
forgave my folly and my negligence, in more than one instance so as
not to be violently angry with me, who am placed as his helper, and I
did not easily assent to what had been revealed to me, as the Spirit
was urging; and the Lord took pity on me thousands upon thousands of
times, because he saw within me that I was prepared, but that I was
ignorant of what to do in view of my situation; because many were
trying to prevent this mission. They were talking among themselves
behind my back, and saying: `Why is this fellow throwing himself into
danger among enemies who know not God?' Not from malice, but having
no liking for it; likewise, as I myself can testify, they perceived
my rusticity. And I was not quick to recognize the grace that was
then in me; I now know that I should have done so earlier.

47. Now I have put it frankly to my brethren and co-workers, who have
believed me because of what I have foretold and still foretell to
strengthen and reinforce your faith. I wish only that you, too, would
make greater and better efforts. This will be my pride, for `a wise
son makes a proud father'.

48. You know, as God does, how I went about among you from my youth
in the faith of truth and in sincerity of heart. As well as to the
heathen among whom I live, I have shown them trust and always show
them trust. God knows I did not cheat any one of them, nor consider
it, for the sake of God and his Church, lest I arouse them and [bring
about] persecution for them and for all of us, and lest the Lord's
name be blasphemed because of me, for it is written: `Woe to the men
through whom the name of the Lord is blasphemed.'

49. For even though I am ignorant in all things, nevertheless I
attempted to safeguard some and myself also. And I gave back again to
my Christian brethren and the virgins of Christ and the holy women
the small unasked for gifts that they used to give me or some of
their ornaments which they used to throw on the altar. And they would
be offended with me because I did this. But in the hope of eternity,
I safeguarded myself carefully in all things, so that they might not
cheat me of my office of service on any pretext of dishonesty, and so
that I should not in the smallest way provide any occasion for
defamation or disparagement on the part of unbelievers.

50. What is more, when I baptized so many thousands of people, did I
hope for even half a jot from any of them? [If so] Tell me, and I
will give it back to you. And when the Lord ordained clergy
everywhere by my humble means, and I freely conferred office on them,
if I asked any of them anywhere even for the price of one shoe, say
so to my face and I will give it back.

51. More, I spent for you so that they would receive me. And I went
about among you, and everywhere for your sake, in danger, and as far
as the outermost regions beyond which no one lived, and where no one
had ever penetrated before, to baptize or to ordain clergy or to
confirm people. Conscientiously and gladly I did all this work by
God's gift for your salvation.

52. From time to time I gave rewards to the kings, as well as making
payments to their sons who travel with me; notwithstanding which,
they seized me with my companions, and that day most avidly desired
to kill me. But my time had not yet come. They plundered everything
they found on us anyway, and fettered me in irons; and on the
fourteenth day the Lord freed me from their power, and whatever they
had of ours was given back to us for the sake of God on account of
the indispensable friends whom we had made before.

53. Also you know from experience how much I was paying to those who
were administering justice in all the regions, which I visited often.
I estimate truly that I distributed to them not less than the price
of fifteen men, in order that you should enjoy my company and I enjoy
yours, always, in God. I do not regret this nor do I regard it as
enough. I am paying out still and I shall pay out more. The Lord has
the power to grant me that I may soon spend my own self, for your
souls.

54. Behold, I call on God as my witness upon my soul that I am not
lying; nor would I write to you for it to be an occasion for flattery
or selfishness, nor hoping for honour from any one of you. Sufficient
is the honour which is not yet seen, but in which the heart has
confidence. He who made the promise is faithful; he never lies.

55. But I see that even here and now, I have been exalted beyond
measure by the Lord, and I was not worthy that he should grant me
this, while I know most certainly that poverty and failure suit me
better than wealth and delight (but Christ the Lord was poor for our
sakes; I certainly am wretched and unfortunate; even if I wanted
wealth I have no resources, nor is it my own estimation of myself,
for daily I expect to be murdered or betrayed or reduced to slavery
if the occasion arises. But I fear nothing, because of the promises
of Heaven; for I have cast myself into the hands of Almighty God, who
reigns everywhere. As the prophet says: `Cast your burden on the Lord
and he will sustain you.'

56. Behold now I commend my soul to God who is most faithful and for
whom I perform my mission in obscurity, but he is no respecter of
persons and he chose me for this service that I might be one of the
least of his ministers.

57. For which reason I should make return for all that he returns me.
But what should I say, or what should I promise to my Lord, for I,
alone, can do nothing unless he himself vouchsafe it to me. But let
him search my heart and [my] nature, for I crave enough for it, even
too much, and I am ready for him to grant me that I drink of his
chalice, as he has granted to others who love him.

58. Therefore may it never befall me to be separated by my God from
his people whom he has won in this most remote land. I pray God that
he gives me perseverance, and that he will deign that I should be a
faithful witness for his sake right up to the time of my passing.

59. And if at any time I managed anything of good for the sake of my
God whom I love, I beg of him that he grant it to me to shed my blood
for his name with proselytes and captives, even should I be left
unburied, or even were my wretched body to be torn limb from limb by
dogs or savage beasts, or were it to be devoured by the birds of the
air, I think, most surely, were this to have happened to me, I had
saved both my soul and my body. For beyond any doubt on that day we
shall rise again in the brightness of the sun, that is, in the glory
of Christ Jesus our Redeemer, as children of the living God and co-
heirs of Christ, made in his image; for we shall reign through him
and for him and in him.

60. For the sun we see rises each day for us at [his] command, but it
will never reign, neither will its splendour last, but all who
worship it will come wretchedly to punishment. We, on the other hand,
shall not die, who believe in and worship the true sun, Christ, who
will never die, no more shall he die who has done Christ's will, but
will abide for ever just as Christ abides for ever, who reigns with
God the Father Almighty and with the Holy Spirit before the beginning
of time and now and for ever and ever. Amen.

61. Behold over and over again I would briefly set out the words of
my confession. I testify in truthfulness and gladness of heart before
God and his holy angels that I never had any reason, except the
Gospel and his promises, ever to have returned to that nation from
which I had previously escaped with difficulty.

62. But I entreat those who believe in and fear God, whoever deigns
to examine or receive this document composed by the obviously
unlearned sinner Patrick in Ireland, that nobody shall ever ascribe
to my ignorance any trivial thing that I achieved or may have
expounded that was pleasing to God, but accept and truly believe that
it would have been the gift of God. And this is my confession before
I die.

Crazy World

Last weekend I was switching channels and came upon a reality show called "Surprise Wedding." The premise of this show is that half a dozen women who have been in long term relationships and want to marry their significant other are brought to Las Vegas for a week of makeovers, wedding shopping and all-around fun. They somehow get their SOs to meet them in Las Vegas - most of them told the hapless men that they were receiving an award of some sort. One by one, the men are brought out onto the stage, where the women are standing in wedding dresses, and in front of the screaming audience and many cameras, the women propose. The men are given a few minutes alone to consider the proposal, then they are brought out again and to give their answer. If they answer yes, a JP marries them immediately. If they say now, they are hustled off the stage while the wanna-be bride tearfully is escorted offstage to a kiss and cry area and is interviewed.

This was horrible. It was like watching someone pick their nose - its disgusting, but you can't take your eyes off it. What does it say about our American culture, that women would feel so desperate because they aren't married, that they would lie to the men they supposedly love, would humiliate and debase themselves?

What does it say about the state of America's spiritual underpinnings that women are so intent on marrying, that they would be willing to forego any mention of God and would get married without their loved ones around them?

What does it say about how we raise girls into women in our culture, that to be without a husband is so heinous that women prefer lying and the risk of public humiliation to remaining single?

What does it say about the self-worth of women who would do this? Who would beg on national TV to have a man marry her?

What does it say about the men in America today - that they spend an abnormally long adolescence, all the way to their mid 40s for many - and don't step up to the plate of male adulthood, thus forcing women to take over?

What does it say about the men who said no to the women they supposedly love, who wore their hearts on their sleeves and risked everything to marry them? Do these men understand the shame involved for these women - if they truly loved and valued them, they would never have put them in a position where the women felt they had to take matters into their own hands.

What does it say about the men who said yes and married on the spot - if you were wanting to marry this women, why didn't you do the right thing and spare both of you the humiliation?

On every level, I found this show horrific and deeply disturbing. It was like watching a train wreck. Its a sad commentary on life in America - that we would tune in to such a thing, that we would participate in such a thing.

This makes me so much prouder of my dear daughter, who recently ended a relationship with her first real boyfriend. She realized at 17, that TBF had planned out their lives in minute detail, and when he was unable to loosen up, she decided that she was too young to have no surprises left. She'd rather be single. Props to her! At almost 18 (her birtday in next week), she has learned that happiness and contentment come from within, that no one can own another, that sometimes (especially when young) the unknown future can be an exciting place, and the journey there a reward in and of itself. And most of all, that her happiness and worth as a human being has to do with her relationship with God, and does not require being part of a couple.

Props to her!

I remember Mama

Another year without you, Mom. Three years without hearing your voice, or feeling your embrace. I'm still shocked when I remember that you are gone.

I think that inside each of us is that little child who cannot conceive of a world without her mother, and when it happens, its so very shocking that it feels like a part of what makes you YOU has been violently ripped out of your body, leaving a bloody hole.

As I was driving home from work tonight, I thought about this very thing, and how the only thing that eases the pain is the good memories. We certainly made a lot of those, didn't we Mom? You and me and Dad. And later, much later, you and me and Dad and DD. How much you loved picnics! And watermelon, and roasted chestnuts, and pasta. How many figure skating shows and competitions did we watch together? I couldn't watch them at all for the first couple of years, but this past year, I have been able to enjoy them once again, though its just not as much fun to watch them alone. What about the dollhouse shows? The opera? The jazz on the lawn. The Barn Theater in New London? How about all the books we shared? The Quiet Man? Clark Cabral and Greta Medeiros? Remember getting all dressed up in our Easter finery to go to town to see The Sound of Music, just you and me? The brown bomber? All the sweaters and hats and mittens that you made for me and my dolls...and my daughter.

The iron stove at the Inn, the squirrels, the chihuahuas. The three of us in the back room. Mr. Peck. Raking the leaves, the fire drills. Armand the bread man, Eric the milk man, the meat man.... The errand runs at 70 mph. Skippy Lyons. Emily Vernlund. Marian Ryberg. Vaugh Gregg.

Gram and Auntie Anna and Auntie Nettie and you in that old green kitchen on B St. In the dining room across the lake.

Always laughing. Always loving.

Always remembering. Memory Eternal, Mom. Someday, we'll be together again. Till then, I have my daughter, and the Theotokos, and my memories, and a whole life waiting for me to live it.

A Prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian

“No one can heal my disease except He
Who knows the depths of my heart.
How many times have I set boundaries for myself
and built walls between myself and sin!
But my thoughts transgressed the boundaries
and my will tore down the walls,
for the boundaries were not secured by fear of God,
and the walls were not founded on sincere repentance.

And again I knock at the door, that it may open for me.
I do not cease to ask that I may receive what I request.
and I know no shame in seeking Thy mercy, O Lord.

O Lord, my Savior! Why hast Thou forsaken me?
Have mercy on me, O only Lover of mankind.
Save me, a sinner, Thou only Sinless One.

Wrench me from the mire of my iniquities,
that I may not be forever sullied by them.
Deliver me from the jaws of the enemy,
who roars as a lion and desires to swallow me up.

Rouse Thy strength and come, that Thou mightest save me.
Beam Thy lightening and disperse his power,
that he may be struck with fear and flee from Thy face,
for he has not the strength to stand before Thee
and before the face of those who love Thee.
As soon as he perceives a sign of Thy grace,
he is taken with fear of Thee and withdraws from such with shame.

And now, O Master, save me, for I flee to Thee!”

Iconography - A Writer's Meditation

I just finished this book by writer Susan Neville. In the middle of her Midwestern life, she realizes that there is something missing, there is a hole in her heart that only God can fill, and she decides to spend some time writing about her spiritual life every day during lent as an exercise. She brackets her meditations with vignettes from an iconography class that she took where she completed an icon of the Theotokos.

Susan is not Orthodox, and I found her reflections on Orthodox liturgy and iconography incredibly moving. Here are her final words:

On a Sunday, two weeks later, I head to the Joy of All Who Sorrow. Walking back into the holy gloom, running a little late, I realize right away that I've done something terribly wrong. My icon lies up on a table waiting to be blessed, and I don't belong here. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

I have no head-covering. I-I-I. Couldn't I for one second have let go of the fact that my presence here was important because it was my icon waiting to blessed and thought about the fact that this church was Orthodox?

I stand at the doorway, late, remembering back to the days before Vatican II when I would go with a friend to a Catholic church and there would be handkerchiefs or scarves on a table by the door.

I look around for something to put over my hair, and there's nothing. I don't know whether I should leave or stay.

A woman in a blue denim skirt comes up to welcome me. She has a beautiful smile. I point to my head, and she removes her scarf. I'll go hatless too, she says, it's all right. It doesn't matter. Really. Come in, she says. Sit down.

And so I do.

Running late, moving from the bright October daylight to the medieval gloom, sitting down next to the smiling woman with no head-covering, I wasn't prepared for my reaction, and it took me surprise. Everything was extraordinarily beautiful, including the woman's kindness, that I started to cry.

But it was more than simply the act of kindness; it was something about the ritual, which contained a motion that stretched back through time, like a golden-hued intricate machine, a Victorian toy. I can't explain it. It was a time capsule, all movement, and I only know that I'd never seen anything like it, the way these beautiful children, miniature adults, circled with their parents and their grandparents so sweetly from icon to icon, the deep bows of veneration, the prayers and candles, the theater of it all -- the way the curtains closed on the bread and wine when they were just that, bread and wine, and the chanting of the priests and the way the curtains opened on the transformation into flesh, the look on the congregants' faces as they took the mystery into their own very real bodies.

And all the time the new icons sitting on a table at the front, waiting to be blessed, and one of them was the one I'd struggled over.

Mother Catherine came back to sit by me when it was time for the blessing. She pointed out the other iconographers in the room. "Iconographer," she called me. The priest dropped holy water on my Mary's face and chanted a prayer, and Mother Catherine took me to the front of the line as everyone in the church stood to venerate the thing that I had made. I was, I knew, a fraud.

It's a tradition, Mother Catherine said, for the iconographer to be the first one to venerate the icon. How do I do that? I asked her. I was a fraud. Like this, she said, and I remembered that "like this" was one translation of the untranslatable word for God.

She showed me how to hold my hand and how to cross myself, head to navel, right shoulder to the left. And when I got to the icon, I made the sign, and it was one of the most unnatural things I've ever done.

But I was moved, and still am, by the way the congregants then made the sign and kissed the icon, and I realized that the Mary I'd struggled over for so long had sailed away, that she had her own life now beyond me, like my children, like this book, that for me she contained all the grief I'd felt for those who had passed or would continue to pass through my life and my children's lives, for those who had died and for those who were yet to be born. That she would stay in my house above my desk, unvenerated probably as long as she stayed on my wall, a bit frightening at times, at times comforting. That through the years the light of the gold leaf behind her head will sometimes take me by surprise, that someday, maybe a hundred years from now, when I'm long gone, her light will shine as brightly as does the sunlight glazing the needles of the white pine tree outside my window on this particular sharp November day as I sit one last morning with thismeditation, writing this one last line.

When I read the above last night, I wept. Like Susan, I also yearn for God, my heart mutely crying out for Him. I was also fascinated by iconography when I was newly Orthodox and dabbled in it, finally spending a year learning about life and Orthodoxy and how to be an Orthodox woman, and occasionally, about iconography from an old Russian woman, Olga, who was a fabulously talented artist, but not really an iconographer. Like Susan, icons somehow got ahold of me and wouldn't let me go until I found a teacher and spent a week writing St. Michael the Archangel in egg tempera. Like Susan, I struggle with my art, my iconography.

Iconography is a prayer. It is an acquiescence, a submission, to someone and something. It is a yearning and a receiving. It is a beginning and a completion. It is one moment encapsulated in time, in earth and minerals and egg mixed with vinegar, and it is also all of eternity stretching forwards and backwards. Its humility, because each icon that leaves my hands falls far short of prototype, and is absolutely unworthy of either the saint depicted for the recipient of the finished work. Its a discipline and a way of life that I am incapable of following.

But I try. I keep slugging away at it. I keep asking God to help me rise to the occasion, to complete what is lacking in me. I keep looking for that little pinpoint of heaven peeking out at me in the midst of that expanse of smooth white board.

Last spring, my bishop reviewed my work and told me that it was time to get serious about iconography, to study seriously with a master iconographer and become a real iconographer, myself. He asked me to consider whether God wanted me to continue as an amateur (a lover of the work) or a dilettante (one whose efforts are only superficial), or whether God wanted me to offer my artistic gifts back to Him in the form of iconography. He told me that it was time to stop flirting with iconography and to become an iconographer. Each time I recall that brief conversation, with photos of my icons in Vladyka's hands, and his eyes boring holes through mine, and his voice so soft but so sharp... I weep again. "What are you going to do" he asked. "I can see that your iconography has promise, but what are you going to do with this gift that God has given you?" "Its time to get serious."

Yes, its time to get serious.

INTP

I read Mimi's blog almost daily, and her last post was about her scores on the Meyers Briggs Personality Inventory. The first time I took the Meyers Briggs, I was in college, providing practice for a friend in the counseling program. I was an INTJ then, and continued to test as an INTJ until about five years ago when, inexplicably, I became an INTP (though once I tested as an ENTJ.) Crazy huh?

The differences between a J and a P are subtle but very clear.

Judging (J)
Judging does not mean "judgmental". Judging people like order, organization and think sequentially. They like to have things planned and settled. Judging people seek closure.

Judging Characteristics
Decisive
Controlled
Good at finishing
Organized
Structured
Scheduled
Quick at tasks
Responsible
Likes closure
Makes plans

Perceiving (P)
Perceiving people are flexible, like to keep their options open and think randomly. They like to act spontaneously and are adaptable. Perceivers like to keep things open ended.

Perceiving Characteristics
Adaptable
Relaxed
Disorganized
Care-free
Spontaneous
Changes tracks midway
Keeps options open
Procrastinates
Dislikes routine
Flexible

As I get older, and as life "tenderizes" me, I can see that I most definitely am becoming more flexible, more adaptable, more relaxed. Unfortunately, I am also becoming more disorganized, though I see the beauty in organization and crave it - I'm just not the person to make it happen. I did change tracks midway through my life. I certainly do procrastinate a lot; I have struggled with punctuality all my life, though I am doing better in general nowadays. I certainly get bored with routine in many ways - work especially - which is why I prefer working with people because there are new situations to deal with every day. On the other hand, the sameness of the church year, the changing of the church seasons, the rich liturgical life of the Orthodox Church, the eternal sameness of it, is far removed from routine - it is incredibly beautiful and comforting.

I certainly do not think sequentially. I usually have a dozen different things going on in my head at any time. I find it impossible to attend fully to any one thought, which makes prayer difficult. My daughter says that I'm what happens when an ADD kid grows up. The funny thing is, when I was a kid, I would concentrate so hard on things that I was interested in, that the real world would drop away and my Mom had to physically shake me to come to dinner, for example. But now, I'm always listening to a number of internal conversations with myself. Perhaps that is the key to whether I am a J or a P.

So, I guess that I have, indeed, morphed into a P.

My 2007 Reading List

Its a new year and thus, its time to start a new reading list! I've joined a couple of reading challenges which do, indeed, promise to challenge me.

In 2007, I read the following books:

The Jesus Prayer - A Monk
Mr. Darcy's Daughters - Elizabeth Aston
The Monastic Life - Met. Cyprian of Oropos
Letters to a Beginner - Abbess Thaisia
Cloud of Witnesses - Fr. Arseny
A Tiny Step Away from Deepest Faith - Corbman
A Year of Russian Feasts - Jones
Coming Home to Myself - Wynonna
Endless Chain - Richards
The Practice of the Presence of God
Living Prayer - Met. Anthony Bloom
The Icon - Michel Quenot
Praying with Icons - Jim Forest
Making Life a Prayer - St. John Cassian
Courage to Pray - Met. Anthony Bloom
Diary of a Russian Priest
This Holy Man: Impressions of Metropolitan Anthony Bloom
Mountain of Silence

From Mother Gavrilia

"First of all, we need to humbly ask God's blessing upon our work, and if there is any doubt whether we should do something we need to pray about it or seek counsel. St. Silouan said, 'A soul that is troubled about anything should inquire of the Lord, and the Lord will give him understanding. But this is primarily in times of calamity and real bewilderment. As a general rule, we should be advised by our spiritual father, for this is a humbler way.'"

"When you wish deeply to act always according to the Will of God, He will reveal It to you. This is what He asks. He wants us to reach out our hand for His Grace, so that His Grace may guide us and His Holy Spirit may shine on us. And then, it is Paradise on Earth! Have no doubts whether it is or it isn't the Will of God. Because when you doubt about what is to be done, it will not be done properly. Don't forget that when it is not the Will of God, He makes it quite clear, for then He shuts all the doors. When you go here and there and find obstacles everywhere, change course, don't insist on your own will. Make your Prayer and change your mind. But don't forget to pray! Talk with God's Spirit as you would with someone dear to you. Yet, you know, the acceptance of God's Will also depends in some way on man himself... God calls man to follow Him. Man replies "Yes" or "No"...God besses a Marriage for the begetting of children. Man replies"Yes" or "No"... In any case, the effort to live in accordance with God's Will is absolutely necessary. For this is our purpose on this Earth." - Mother Gavrilia

Two from St. Nikolaj Velimirovic

Blessed is he who knows his function and gift received from the Spirit, and who serves according to his designation to the end. Just as the Holy Spirit now apportions His gifts, so the Lord, in His time, will apportion rewards. O Lord, Holy Spirit, true God, help us to use Thy gifts to the end of our lives in humility, for the well-being of Christ's Church and for our eternal salvation.

St. Nikolaj (Velimirovic)

If we are not humbled by virtues, then sin will humble us.

St. Nikolaj (Velimirovic)

Christmas Meditation by Metropolitan Philip Saliba

Lord,

What shall I offer you on your birthday in return for your infinite love?

I have neither gold nor silver, neither myrrh nor frankincense.

My house is without a roof. I have no room for you; not even a manger.

My soul is even darker than the clouds of my passion.

My eyes are too dim to look beyond the horizon of myself.

Help me behold your bright star; "For in thy light we shall see light."

Lord,

You have been knocking on my door for thirty-nine years, but I never dared let you in because my garment is not white as snow.

Forgive me if I do not invite you to my table, for my table is full of everything you despise. I have denied you more than Peter.

I have doubted you more than Thomas.

I have betrayed you more than Judas.

My hands are empty. My lips are not clean to sing your praise.

And my heart is wrinkled with sorrow like a withered leaf under autumn's wind.

Lord,

The only thing I can offer you on your birthday is myself.

Drown me in the ocean of your love.

Feed me with your heavenly bread, for the bread of this world will never satisfy my hunger.

Quench my thirst with your divine fountain, for the water of this earth will never satisfy my thirst.

Give me your eyes to see what you see, your ears to hear what you hear and your heart to love what you love.

Take me with you to Mount Tabor and let me bathe in your eternal light.

Lord,

"Create a clean heart in me. Cast me not away from Thy face. Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation, and strengthen me with a perfect spirit."

Teach me how to pray in simple words, for only through prayers I may overcome my loneliness.
Help me to care for the needy, the oppressed, the orphans, the sinners and the despised whom you love.

As I kneel before your manger with love and humility I beseech you to listen to my prayers.

Christmas Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends

Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be aSCROOGE!!! Just copy (not forward) this entire email and paste into anew e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that theyapply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know,INCLUDING the person that sent it to you......Tis the Season to be NICE!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags??? brown paper lunch bags, stapled shut

2. Real tree or Artificial??? Artificial, alas. Real ones make me congested.

3. When do you put up the tree? The last few years since my mother died, its been later and later. I used to put it up on Thanksgiving weekend, but now it doesn't get done until mid-December.

4. When do you take the tree down? after January 7th.

5. Do you like egg nog?? Yes, I love it, even though I got a wicked hangover from Melvin's "special homemade" eggnog a couple of years ago. I think he "made" it in the bathtub.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? My annual box of 64 Crayola crayons

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Multiple ones!

8. Hardest person to buy for? My ex husband. Every year, including this one, I get him a DVD. DD just told me yesterday that he doesn't have a dvd player. Damn luddite.

9. Easiest person to buy for? DD - barnes and noble gift card does it for her

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?? I don't do cards of any type - never have. I will send email cards on occasion. friends and family who don't have an email address are out of luck.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I don't remember any, truthfully

12. Favorite Christmas movie? Hm.... I think its probably A Christmas Story or Miracle on 34th St. I almost wet my pants the first time I saw A Christmas Story.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?? When I can't avoid it anymore

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present??? Yes

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas??? Panettone and pizzelle

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree??? Clear lights that don't blink. The more the better. When I turn my tree on, there should be a brown out in my neighborhood, or I haven't don't it right.

17. Favorite Christmas song?? Most favorite is Lo, How A Rose Ere Blooming, and second favorite is O Holy Night in French

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Home, but sometimes I think it would be fun to go somewhere unexpected, like Aruba or Lake Sunapee NH

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? No, but I can name all the Von Trapp children. There are seven of them. I can also name all the B Street children. Does that count?

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? I always have both. The tree is on the tippy top with an angel immediately below it

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?? When I was a kid, we always opened them at night after midnight mass, but once I was a mother, I saw the wisdom of Christmas morning gift opening.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year??? Office gift exchanges. Nuff said. Actually, I kinda think the whole gift giving thing is out of hand in our culture. I'm happy with just our Christmas stockings full of little things and candy.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color??? I've got enough ornaments to fill half a dozen trees, but I always start with red balls; sometimes they are red apples, sometimes they are two red balls, one dark red and shiny and the other bright red and satin, hung together. My favorite ornaments, though, are the ones that I've collected over the years to commemorate different places I' ve been, or events, or stages of DD's life, or pets. These ornaments tell the story of our life. I love the several grandmother and grandfather ornaments that I got for my parents. Now that my mother is gone, for the third year, I've gotten a pig with angel wings ornament. This year's pig is sparkly, with red lipstick! Mom collected little pigs because she was so grateful to have a porcine heart valve keeping her alive for many years.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner??? My favorite Christmas dinner exists in my memory: chicken in wine, stuffed artichokes, ravioli, bracciola, salad, chocolate chestnut pizza. Nowadays, I prefer to keep things much more simple, esp since the ex visits over Christmas and I don't like to inflict him on guests

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? college tuition for DD

26. Person most likely to respond to this email? everyone responds to MOI

27. Who is least likely to respond to this? see number 26

Ok, tag! You're it!

Would you do it again?

Today I got an email from my "little" cousin Joe (his stage name is J. Maxx). That was a cause for rejoicing in itself because we don't really correspond much. Joe must be about 38 or so now, a grown up - imagine that! He married last December, so he's coming up on his first wedding anniversary, and he obviously was reflecting on that event, because here is what he sent me. He also sent it to his sister (Goddaughter #2), his female cousins that he grew up with and one of my first cousins. The photo above is of my seven sweethearts - my seven "little" cousins, and he sent the email to them and me and one of my other cousins that we are all very close with.

"Okay, ladies-Got a question for you (looking for honest answers here): if you could do it all over again, knowing what you know now, would you have kids? J. Max"

This is the reply that he got from his sister, Goddaughter #2, the lawyer - but I promise you, she's a NICE lawyer!:

"absolutely, no questions asked. My kids are the very, very best that has ever happened in my life. They bring me the most joy I've felt in my life. Of course there are days that you want to rip the hair out of your head, but that in no way even comes close to the love you feel.

It is the hardest and I mean the hardest job you will ever undertake and you have no idea how hard it is until you do it, but the rewards always outweigh the turmoil. LikeDina said, the first few months are so hard and because the baby can't tell you what's wrong it's very hard, but that time literally flies away and in no time it is a distant memory. Those first smiles, those hugs around your neck and the head that rests on your shoulder for comfort and support, you can't beat!!!"

Then I got this one from him:

Denise- I had your wrong e-mail address. Care to weigh in?

J. Max

I thought about it. Would I do it again? Would I be willing to do it again now, knowing all that went before? Here is my reply:

"Dear Joe,

I've been through a lot. When Jerry and I got married, I had dreams of the little house with the white picket fence, 2.2 children, a cat, a dog and a rosebush. Nothing special, just an ordinary, normal life. After the first year of marriage, we decided to try to have a baby. A year after that, I was 25 years old with a diagnosis of infertility. I was devastated. I mourned children I had never even had until I had Elisabeth in the 11th year of my marriage. By that time, I was 34 years old and felt my biological clock ticking... and remember, Jerry is 9 years older than me, so he was already in his mid 40s. I felt like the window for having a child was closing.

Then, miraculously, I was pregnant! Happy happy joy joy! But at 12 weeks, I was having a miscarriage. I'll spare you the gory details, but we really thought we had lost her. I remember sitting in the ER waiting for the infertilitiy specialist to show up to tell me that I was having a miscarriage, and I thought to myself.... at least I had the opportunity to be pregnant for a little while. At least I had the opportunity to have a doctor tell me I was pregnant, and I had the joy of telling my husband, and my mother, and my Auntie Anna. At least I had these experiences and it will have to be enough.

DD had other plans, though, and was born healthy. But you know the rest of the story - a 14 month old with cancer is pretty ugly. I really thought she would die during the surgery. I remember thinking, throughout that whole awful time, that at least I had the opportunity to know her and love her and nurse her and change her diapers, and nibble her toes for a little while, and a little while was a whole lot better than nothing. Then came the divorce and being a single mother which is pretty difficult. Add in two sick and elderly parents, death, nursing homes, never enough money, lost jobs..... life has been very hard. But the one consistent bright spot has been DD.

Now she is almost 18 and getting ready to fly the coop. She is a wonderful, wonderful young woman: kind, generous, understanding, sentimental, thoughtful, smart, funny, talented, beautiful inside and out. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful child. I'm so proud of her.

Was all that sorrow and pain and anguish worth it? Were the years that I spent on my knees begging God to let me be a mother worth it? Was the fear of screwing her life up worth it? The fear of her dying (I still have nightmares once in a while) worth it?

You bet it was worth it, Joe. Every second, every minute of every day was worth it, even the bad stuff. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat, even at 52, even knowing all I know now that I sure didn't know then --- yes, I'd do it again. I'd have a whole houseful.

I have never felt such intense joy. I have never been so fulfilled. I have never been so challenged to mature and develop. My life has been so enriched. Watching your child grow and leading her in the way she should go has provided me with the most intense joy and fulfillment--- more than I could ever have dreamed of. I have grown so much. My faith has been strengthened - I *know* that God exits - I see the pattern of His love and care for me and for DD every day.

Go for it, Joe! You would make a fantastic father. I just know it!

Love,

Denise"

You know, Joe was the most beautiful baby I think I've ever seen. He almost didn't make it - his mother was in a car accident and had him about two months early. He had a few problems, but he was the sweetest, most loving child. And brave! He was/is an actor/casting director in NY - I'm always amazed that he has the guts to get up in front of people like that. He was the only boy in the house - there were six girls. He learned to deal. All in all, he was an amazing kid, and now he's a wonderful man. His wife got very lucky when she met him.

And he would be a wonderful father. He would be patient and fun as a father, but he wouldn't be afraid to be strong enough to train his children the way they should go. He's got a lot of depth and a lot of class.

I don't know whether he and his new wife will have any children. I guess he doesn't know that yet himself. But, he'd be a great father. I just know it. And it would be worth it. Every minute of every day would be worth it. I really wanted him to know that.

Here is his reply, which just shows you how tenderhearted and loving he is:

Dear Denise- I am at work right now, and trying not to cry, as that was the most beautiful endorsement for parenthood I have ever read. If I am blessed with children, if I can be half the parent you are my children will be very lucky indeed. I love you and miss you. -Joe
J. Max

Oh ya, and he loves his big cousin Denise! The reason he loves me so much is because I gave him drums for Christmas when he was four. His mother still isn't talking to me! Grin.... that was BEFORE I was a mother of course!

Guess which one in the photo is Joe! And guess which one is Goddaughter #2 that I love so much and talk about all the time!

Autumn Reading Challenge: The Jesus Prayer - A Monk

This thin little book took forever to read - not because it was so difficult, but because I kept falling asleep. Now, don't think that the book bored me until I was comatose, because it was very interesting, but it was totally different from what I expected. I expected lots of how-tos regarding the Jesus Prayer and lots of mysticism. I would say the last 15 pages or so tackle the nitty gritty how-to of the Jesus Prayer. The rest of the book is an exposition of the history of the veneration of the name of Jesus. The monk author (Lev Gillett) starts with the names of God in the Old Testament, moves on to Jesus in the New Testament, and continues throughout history, showing the development of the prayer into its present form: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!

I don't think I'll be rereading this one, as interesting as it was. I need something on the more practical aspects of prayer, rather than the historical development of this prayer through time.

Thanksgiving

What am I truly thankful for? On this day of national Thanksgiving, I wonder.... what am I thankful for?

1. That my daughter's cancer is still in remission and she is healthy
2. That she has grown into a thoughtful, intelligent, principled, kind young woman
3. That my father is still "himself" in a strange way, even though the Alzheimers has taken its terrible toll
4. My sister/cousins Rosanne and Ethel who I love and admire so very, very much, without whom I would have no one left to remember what it was like for us growing up
5. My family - my wonderful, crazy, loving, loud, raucous, opinionated, bossy family - which can be summed up in one word: B Street Kids. That includes Lisa with Olivia and Vanessa, Goddaughter #2 with Jeff, Jeffrey and Isabella, Andrea and Julia, Dina with Todd and baby George Anthony, Georgene and Erin, Joe and Sheilagh, Jen and Steve.
6. A long life with my mother, though I miss her so much
7. My church family who have become truly my family and who have brought so much in DD's and my lives, especially Uncle Ken and Auntie Janice, Baba and Papa, Joan, Cindy and FJ
8. In a weird way, I'm thankful for the last five years -- so much has happened, so much tragedy and angst, so much pain -- but still, I've learned so much that I wouldn't trade this terrible time
9. Noa perfume. I'm thankful for Noa.
10. That I had the opportunity to carry a child, to feel that child move within me, to give birth, to breastfeed that child - everything I wished for and dreamed of and prayed for came true.
11. That God made lobsters
12. That I've had so many opportunities to travel, to be exposed to great art and literature and music, to different cuisines, to meet new people. What a wonderful life I've had!
13. That God finally allowed me to be a mother, and to mother this particular child, who has been through so much but has emerged as a beautiful, deep, trustworthy young woman
14. That my ex and I have remained friendly for our daughter's sake
15. That here in the US, I have the freedom to express my opinion, worship God as I choose, vote as I see fit, pursue an education as I choose, and work as I choose. So far, my civil liberties are mostly intact. I pray that they remain so.
16. Gardenias, my favorite flower, and my grandmother's favorite flower as well. Whenever I see a gardenia, or smell its fragrance, so many memories are triggered. I'm thank for those memories of life and love with so many family members, all gone now...
17. My little house in RH. I love my little house, and I'm thankful that I was able to purchase it.
18. That I have had the opportunity to love a man deeply
19. Email. I'm thankful for email, without which I would have lost contact with so many friends and extended family members
20. Most of all, I am thankful for God's faithfulness to me, even when I was not faithful to Him, even when I railed against Him, even when I ignored Him, even when I blamed Him, even when I was utterly unloveable. How amazing His constant love for me is!

On True Fasting

It is necessary, most of all, for one who is fasting to curb anger, to accustom himself to meekness and condescension, to have a contrite heart, to repulse impure thoughts and desires, to examine his conscience, to put his mind to the test and to verify what good has been done by us in this or any other week, and which deficiency we have corrected in ourselves in the present week. This is true fasting.

St. John Chrysostom

New Meme

On another note, Mimi at http://mimisbooks.blogspot.com/ had an interesting Meme for bloggers that I’ll do. Here's how it works: I will answer some questions about you, if you want to play along.


1. Tell you why I friended you or put you on my Bloglines
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic photo of yours (or something about your avatar I like)
7. In return, you must post this in your blog.

That's it! So, if you want to play along, just leave a comment to this post and I will respond.

Three Quizzez

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

You Have A Type A- Personality

You are one of the most balanced people around. Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want. You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you. When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back. Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love! You live life to the fullest - incorporating the best of both worlds

http://www.blogthings.com/doyouhaveatypeapersonalityquiz/">Do You Have a Type A Personality?

What Color Is Your Personality?

Your Results:
Blue Violet
Blue colors your world with emotion. You seldom jump right in, preferring to stand back and watch people and situations closely. Blue people are calm, but can also spiral into sadness. With so much emotion, tears of happiness, sadness, anger, or frustration are quite common.
View all LifeScript quizzes.
See how you rate against everyone else.
Email this quiz to a friend

Uncle Ken

Two nights ago, dear daughter and I were talking about her boyfriend. For the record, I like The Boy Friend very much - I think he is a fine young man from a wonderful family, and I said so. We both remarked how much he reminds us of Uncle Ken, and then DD stated that if TBF turns into half the man that Uncle Ken is, he will be a fine man and she will have done very well. Then she got teary eyed and decided to tell Uncle Ken what she really thinks of him. She dialed and asked for Uncle Ken and she told him exactly that. He was touched, and little embarassed. He didn't know quite what to say. They chatted a little bit, he gave her advice about life and boys, they said they loved each other and they hung up.

What is unusual here is that Uncle Ken is not her uncle at all. He is a family friend. In fact, we haven't known him all that long - we met him our first Sunday at St. Mary's on November 16th, 1997 - just ten years ago. I clearly remember driving home from that first liturgy with my then 7-year-old DD, talking about our new parish and the nice people we met that day, and she kept talking about Uncle Ken and Auntie Janice. I didn't have a clue who she was talking about, and had to wait for Wednesday night vespers to find out. It was the subdeacon and his wife, and they seemed like really nice people, but Uncle and Aunt???? It was obvious, though, that DD and they instantly hit it off and felt sympatico. The next week they invited my family, including my elderly parents, to their home for Thanksgiving, where we met Uncle Ken's father and mother and youngest sister, and were instantly adopted by the whole family.

But this is not the main point of this story. A year or two later, DD was acting up a little bit, and I was having a hard time figuring out how best to handle her. I was getting advice from all sides and my head was spinning. One Saturday evening after vespers, Uncle Ken came to me and said that he knew I have having a hard time with DD, and that if I didn't mind, he would like to give me his opinion. I told him go ahead, because by that time I already knew that he was going to give his opinion one way or the other - one of the things I so love about him! He said that since the ex lived a continent away, he felt that DD needed a strong man in her life beyond her elderly grandfather who was more like a playmate than a father figure. He felt that need was part of what she was going through, and that he loved her as if she was his own, as did his wife, and he volunteered to be that man. In fact, he said that it was a life-long committment for him, one which he and his wife had discussed, and that they would be honored if I would accept this offer. Wow. I bawled my head off to think that somewhere in the world there are people who are so kind and so generous. I accepted. From that point forward, Uncle Ken has been wonderful, as have all of his family.

Now, what is amazing to me is that DD recognizes how rare it is to find a man and a family like that, and she is grateful, as am I. In the intervening years, Uncle Ken and Auntie Janice have added K to their family, who is DD's little sister and my niece. K hasn't quite noticed that although they are sisters, they don't have the same parents, though they do share Uncle Ken's parents as grandparents. Its hilarious sometimes, the way that K mimics DD.

So, the other night, DD recognized that Uncle Ken is a rare, rare man, and if her future husband is half the man that he is, she will have done well for herself, indeed.

Which Movie Star Are You?

Which Movie Star Are You?

Don't miss this if you need some fun!

Ever wonder which movie star you are most like? Well ~ A team of researchers got together and analyzed the personalities of movie stars. The gathered info has been incorporated into this quiz. There are only 10 questions so it doesn't take long. Number your paper from 1 to 10, then answer each question with the choice that most describes you *at this point in your life*, and then add up the points that correspond with your answers. Send this to all of your friends (including person who sent it to you ) with your star's name in the subject line.... And don't be a butt and ruin the fun by not responding ... Now, don't look ahead or you will ruin the fun!

1. Which describes your perfect date? a) Candlelight dinner for two b) Amusement Park c) Roller blading in the park d) Rock Concert e) Have dinner & see a movie f) Dinner at home with a loved one

2. What is your favorite type of music? a) Rock and Roll b) Alternative c) Soft Rock d) Classical e) Christian f) Jazz

3. What is your favorite type of movie? a) Comedy b) Horror c) Musical d) Romance e) Documentary f) Mystery

4. Which of the following jobs would you choose if you were given only these choices? a) Waiter/Waitress b) Sports Player c) Teacher d) Policeman e) Bartender f) Business person

5. Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste? a) Work out b) Make out c) Watch TV d) Listen to the radio e) Sleep f) Read

6. Of the following colors, which do you like best? a) Yellow b) White c) Sky blue d) Teal e) Gold f) Red

7. Which one of the following would you like to eat right now? a) Ice cream b) Pizza c) Sushi d) Pasta e) Salad f) Lobster Tail

8. Which is your favorite holiday? a) Halloween b) Christmas c) New Year's d) Valentine's Day e) Thanksgiving f) Fourth of July

9 If you could go to any of the following places, which would it be? a) Reno b) Spain c) Las Vegas d) Hawaii e) Hollywood f) British Columbia

10. Of the following, who would you rather spend time with? a) Someone who is smart b) Someone with good looks c) Someone who is a party animal d) Someone who has fun all the time e) Someone who is very emotional f) Someone who is fun to be with

Now total up your points on each question:

1 a-4 b-2 c-5 d-1 e-3 f-6

2. a-2 b-1 c-4 d-5 e-3 f-6

3. a-2 b-1 c-3 d-4 e-5 f-6

4. a-4 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-1 f-6

5. a-5 b-4 c-2 d-1 e-3 f-6

6. a-1 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-4 f-6

7. a-3 b-2 c-1 d-4 e-5 f-6

8. a-1 b-3 c-2 d-4 e-5 f-6

9. a-4 b-5 c-1 d-4 e-3 f-6

10. a-5 b-2 c-1 d-3 e-4 f-6

NOW, take your total and find out which Movie Star you are:

(10-17 points) You are MADONNA: You are wild and crazy and you know it. You know how to have fun, but you may take it to extremes. You know what you are doing though, and are much in control of your own life. People don't always see things your way, but that doesn't mean that you should do away with your beliefs. Try to remember that your wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and others.

(18-26 points) You are DORIS DAY:You are fun, friendly, and popular! You are a real crowd pleaser. You have probably been out on the town your share of times,yet you come home with the values that your mother taught you. Marriage and children are very important to you, but only after you have fun. Don't let the people you please influence you to stray.

(27-34 points) You are DEBBIE REYNOLDS: You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze. You are witty, and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of back stabbers, and you are worry-free.

(35-42 points) You are GRACE KELLY: You are a lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy yourself You are serious about all commitments and are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday, and never forget a Birthday. Don't let your passion for romance get confused with the real thing.

(43-50 points) You are KATHARINE HEPBURN: You are smart, a real thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan. You are very healthy in mind and body. You don't take crap from anyone. You have only a couple of individuals that you consider "real friends". You teach strong family values. Keep your feet planted in them, but don't overlook a bad situation when it does happen.

(51-60 points) You are ELIZABETH TAYLOR: Everyone is in awe of you. You know what you want and how to get it. You have more friends than you know what to do with. Your word is your bond. Everyone knows when you say something it is money in the bank.You attract the opposite sex. Your intelligence overwhelms most. Your memory is the next thing to photographic. Everyone admires you because you are so considerate and lovable. You know how to enjoy life and treat people right.

Now put your Movie Star in the subject line, then forward and share with your friends, including the person who sent it to you - PLEASE! I want to know who you are!!

So..... I got this from DD's godmother, Matushka Elizabeth Sylvia - she is Grace Kelly, as is Xenia, one of my best buds and DD's evil auntie. Diane is Doris Day. Mimi is Katharine Hepburn... Lyne is Grace Kelly. Paula is Grace Kelly. And *I* am Katharine Hepburn.

Let me know who you are!

Autumn Reading Challenge: Mr. Darcy's Daughters by Elizabeth Aston

This book was a good, but not great, read. I guess I expected the same richness of character found in the original by Jane Austen, but alas, it was not to be. The plot line was again a convoluted seriocomedy of manners and commentary on the social mores of the day - a la Austen - with overtones of modernity. Don't get me wrong; I did enjoy reading it, but its not a must-read and certainly not a re-read. There are another couple in the series, but I think I'll pass on them for now. Maybe next summer when I need some light summer reading.....

Dear daughter is reading it now; after that, Edie will read it. I'll post their comments soon.

Update to Autumn Reading Challenge

I really want to read We Shall See Him as He Is, but its way too expensive to buy right now, and I don't know anyone I can borrow it from, so regretfully, I am replacing that selection with something else.....

I'm going to choose between these two:

Abbess Thaisia, An Autobiography

or

The Ascetic of Love by Nun Gavrilia

I'm worth $5775.00

I got this from a blog that I read regularly, Papa Herman's blog, which you can see a.

$5775.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth.

100% Free Personals from JustSayHi

Autumn Reading Challenge

Kathleen over at Rock Creek Rumblings has an Autumn Reading Challenge which I've decided to join. The point is to be more intentional in reading. I've been trying to do that for the past year or so, and perhaps joining this challenge for the months of September, October and November help.

I'm keeping my list very short since I'm a whole month late starting, this is the first time I've done the Reading Challenge, and because I don't have much time to read anymore. I'll do my best, though.

Here's my list:

Mr. Darcy's Daughters - a birthday gift from dear daughter. I have to finish this one quick because she wants to read it, then Edie wants to read it, then Carla wants to read it.... It picks up the Pride and Prejudice story 20 years later. So far, its a good read.

The Jesus Prayer - a Monk. "To pronounce the name of Jesus in a holy way is an all-sufficient and surpassing aim for any human life...We are to call to mind Jesus Christ until the name of the Lord penetrates our heart, descends to its very depths...The Name of Jesus, once it hs become the center of our life, brings everything together."

We Shall See Him as He Is, a spiritual autobiography of Fr. Sophrony. I got this suggestion from Deb's blog, Deb on the Run. Here is what Amazon says of this book - who could resist reading it: Book Description¿Now at the close of my life I have decided to talk to my brethren of things I would not have ventured to utter earlier, counting it unseemly.¿¿ Thus wrote Archimandrite Sophrony, then ninety-two years old, in We Shall See Him as He Is, his spiritual autobiography. In this book Fr. Sophrony, one of the most beloved orthodox Christian elders of our times, revealed to the world his own experience of union with God, and the path to that union. drawing near to God with intense love and longing accompanied by struggle, self-emptying and searing repentance, Fr. Sophrony was granted to participate in the life of God Himself through His uncreated Energies. Like orthodox saints throughout the centuries, he experienced God¿s grace as an ineffable, uncreated Light. It was in this Light that Christ was transfigured on Mount Tabor before His Apostles, and it is in this Light that we shall see Him as He is (I John 3:2). Born into a russian orthodox family in Moscow in 1896, Archimandrite Sophrony embarked on a successful career as a painter in Paris. There he delved into Eastern religions for a time, before repenting bitterly of this and returning to the faith of his childhood. After a brief period of theological study in Paris, he left for the ancient orthodox monastic republic of Mount Athos in Greece, where he spent fifteen years in a monastery and a further seven as a hermit ¿in the desert.¿ on Mount Athos he became the spiritual son of a simple monk of holy life, Elder Silouan. It was under the guidance of Saint Silouan that Fr. Sophrony experienced divine illumination, knowing God intimately as Personal Absolute¿as the one Who revealed Himself to the Prophet Moses as ¿I AM¿ and Who became incarnate as man in Jesus Christ. In 1959, Fr. Sophrony founded the Monastic Community of St. John the Baptist in Essex, England, which has since become a major orthodox spiritual center for all of Western Europe. Elder Sophrony reposed in 1993, at the age of 97.

Julia's Survey

Best Survey
Name:: Denise
Birthday:: September 14, long before you!
Birthplace:: Everett, MA
Where you live now:: Georgia
Hair color:: salt and pepper, but it used to be very dark reddish brown
Eye color:: Brown.
Height:: 5'2.
Your biggest pet peeve:: People with a victim mentality
Your biggest flaw:: How much time you have?
Pepsi or coke:: Pepsi.
Water or Gatorade:: Water.
Do you smoke:: No. Not since 1976
Do you drink:: Very occasionally
Do you club:: No
Do you swear:: Too much.
Do you do drugs:: Only the kind the doctor gives me
Do you want to go to the military:: Never. No matter what.
Do you want to go to college:: I did and I did.
Do you want to get married:: BTDT
Do you want to have kids:: I did and I did have just one
Do you know how to dress:: Sometimes I need help with my zipper in the back
Do you think that you are attractive:: No, not any more
Are you moody:: Moi? Is the Pope Catholic?
Do you like rainy days:: Yes, I love them.
Can you cook a decent meal:: I'm a great cook

Ever been......
Beat up:: yes. Those Izzicupos were AWFUL. If you got in a fight with one of them, they all took a turn, even RICHARD! So of course, yes, I've been beat up. I mean, 1 against 4. What do you think?
Fired:: Nope.
Dumped:: Oh yeah. By Joe Wathen.
Hired:: Yup.
Lied to:: Bill Thompson
Cheated on:: Bill Thompson
Shot:: No, but I do know how to shoot!
High:: Oh geez.. on what?
Deathly sick:: Yes.
Depressed:: Am I breathing?
Homesick:: See Depressed
Locked up:: NO! But I do spend most of my time with felons nowadays
On a real date:: Yes

In the past month have you....
Been shopping:: Food shopping? Ya!
Been on a date:: Does Cindy count?
Been to the movies:: Yes.
Been to a party:: No
Written a song:: No
Been cheated on:: Only by Cindy now that she's back at school.
Are you a virgin:: Oh geez.
Gay/Straight/Bi:: Straight, except for Julie Andrews
Single or taken:: Single.

Your favorite...
Food:: Thai, Indian, Vietnamese
Drink:: Ice water
Car:: One with McDreamy AND McSteamy nekkid in the back seat
Place:: San Francisco
Color:: Unknown - no favorite
Show:: Hell's Kitchen
Store:: Point me towards a big bookstore, preferably used, like Powell's or Bell's
Movie:: Toss up between My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Moonstruck
Artist:: John Singer Sargent
Feature on a guy/girl:: honor, integrity, strength --- guys, give me something that I can actually respect!
Number of piercings:: four
Number of tatoos:: I'll let you see me naked and you count, ok? Didn't think so.
glasses/contacts/neither:: Glasses.
Love or money:: Love
Quiet or loud:: Quiet most of the time
Country or city:: Country, but near a very artsy fartsy cosmopolitan city

**RANDOM**
Ever been on the toilet and on the phone:: Can you say, "Ethel?"
Ever accidently peed in your sleep:: Hm.... I don't think so.
Ever get up in the middle of the night for a snack:: Ya
Ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed:: Figuratively or literally?
Do you wish you were a different gender:: Only in my work life
Do you believe in God:: Yes
Ever split a nail:: Yes

Did you like this survey:: Yes. I love these things.

Take this survey Find more surveysBzoink - The Original Survey Site

What Color Crayon Am I?

Stolen from Meg's blog which I faithfully read here: http://www.nepsis.blogspot.com/

You Are a Red Crayon

Your world is colored with bright, vivid, wild colors. You have a deep, complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself. Bold and dominant, you are a natural leader. You have an energy that is intense... and sometimes overwhelming. Your reaction to everything tends to be strong. You are the master of love-hate relationships. Your color wheel opposite is green. Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy.

What Color Crayon Are You?

Another one.....

001. Name? Denise Babineau Norman
002. DOB? I'd have to kill you. Suffice it to say that I could be your mother. But I'm a Virgo.
003. Eye color? Brown
004. Hair color? used to be dark reddish brown, but now its salt and pepper
005. Height? 5'2"

Favorites:
006. Country? I'd like to eat my way through the Mediterranean countries
007. Food? Um.... Thai
008. Movie? Moonstruck, The Quiet Man, My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Drink? Ice water
010. Animal? Puppies and kittens
011. Color? This is the most annoying question! For the record, every color has its beauty
012. Song? Psalm 134 by Ippolitov-Ivanov; Rejoice O Virgin - Rachmaninoff; Lord's Prayer - Kedrov Sr (in Slavonic); Annunciation Kontakion (To Thee our Champion) old Antiochian melody; Unto the Mother of God - Arkhangelsky......
013. Sport? Figure skating
014. Jewel? Pearls, sapphire
015. Subject? Liturature
016. Best thing that happened to you in the last few years? My church family
017. Do you want to get married? BTDT and once is enough for anyone
018. Kids? Got one already - too old in every possible way for another
019. Best place to go on a date? Stay home, eat dinner, listen to music, talk, cuddle
020. What is your dream? To be debt-free
021. What do you want to do when you grow up? I'm still not sure.... an iconographer
022. Play an instrument? used to play all brass instruments, particularly french horn, but its been a long time. Can play guitar some and piano a little. Sing a lot.
023. Ever danced barefoot in the rain? Oh, yes!
024. Friend you have known the longest? Hm.... well Keith is dead, so other than the exhusband, I'm going with Ellen.
025. Best friend(s)? Ellen, Joan, Cindy and Fudgie
026. Friend that makes you laugh the most? My cousin/sister Ethel!
027. Friend who you can talk to anything about? See #25, but mostly Fudgie
028. Friend with the best personality? Life is not a contest, as I used to tell goddaughter number five

Best? Opinions/ Thoughts
029. Abortion? Wrong
030. Gay rights? Right
031. Violence in the media? Wrong
032. Michael Jackson? REALLY wrong
033. Aids? We need to find a cure, and fast, before someone I love dies

Travels
034. Ever travelled anywhere? Across America, to Canada, to Mexico and to the Caribbean
035. What country do you want to visit? Anywhere in the Mediterranean, Russia, Japan
036. What state do you want to visit? California. I miss it. I'm homesick.
037. Do you want to live in a foriegn country? Maybe
038. Where do you want to live when you're older? In a male monastery muahahahahaha

Final Questions.....
039. Do you remember your dreams? Sometimes
040. Do you believe that there is such a thing as soulmates? Not in the usual romance novel definition, but yes, there are people with whom you are utterly attuned. So, yes
041. Do you believe in love at first sight? I believe in like and lust at first sight, but not love. Love is a verb - you have to give it time
042. What was your favorite childhood toy? My kewpie doll named Guadalupe
043. Thoughts on life??? Pollyanna and I both say that there is good in every situation if you look for it
044. If you were stuck on an island who would you want with you? A fairy godmother with a lot of books

Three by Frost and a Fourth

Reparations

The day's coming
when I will no longer consider
my mere presence inexpiable.
I will place my hand in that flame
and feel nothing.
I will ask nobody's forgiveness again.
Or I will just go
among people no more --
I may writhe with
remorse in the night, but
the operation must be
undertaken by
me, anesthesialess.
No one must be asked to relinquish
a grievance that can't be removed
without further destruction,
it may be
it is lodged in who he is now
like a bullet in a brain
whose removal might only worsen its change.
The forgiveness! I know it
will be freely offered
or it won't, and that is all --
and no one may bestow it
on himself.
If it is to come
it will come of itself like a separate
being,
a mystery, working
unseen as a wind causes still
leaves or water to move once again.
And hide me in the shadow of Your wings.
Let the heart be moved again.

by Franz Wright


Bereft

Where had I heard this wind before
Change like this to a deeper roar?
What would it take my standing there for,
Holding open a restive door,
Looking down hill to a frothy shore?
Summer was past and the day was past.
Sombre clouds in the west were massed.
Out on the porch's sagging floor,
Leaves got up in a coil and hissed,
Blindly striking at my knee and missed.
Something sinister in the tone
Told me my secret may be known:
Word I was in the house alone
Somehow must have gotten abroad,
Word I was in my life alone,
Word I had no one left but God.

by Robert Frost


Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

by Robert Frost


Desert Places

Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weeds and stubble showing last.

The woods around it have it--it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.

And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less--
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express.

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars--on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.

by Robert Frost

St. Anna, Grandmothers and the Cloud of Witnesses

I was listening this morning to a podcast of Khouriye Frederica Mathewes-Green talking with Ihumen Athanasiy, the pastor of the ROCOR church which has a miraculously weeping icon of St. Anna. Their brief conversation brought me to tears. To listen to the podcast on Ancient Faith Radio, look for the podcast of July 19th here.

The icon began to exude myrrh three years ago on American Mother's Day. Within three days, the entire back of the icon was totally soaked with sweet smelling myrrh. St. Anna had always been active in Fr. Athanasiy's life, beginning with when his broken arm was annointed with oil blessed in honor of St. Anna in a RC parish by his own mother, named Anna. He always had a special devotion to St. Anna since a child because of this. Eventually, he asked the nuns at the Mt. of Olives paint the icon of St. Anna about 12 years ago.

Many women were cured from the myrrh from the icon. Eventually, the icon began to cry, in addition to streaming myrrh. Many miracles: Russian boy cured from cancer; a baby dead in utero came back to life after annointing with the myrrh; many barren women have conceived; whereever she goes, she brings peace and love.

Fr. Athanasiy said: "She *is* the grandmother of Christ, and when we Russians say Babushka, Baba, you know with Baba, what Mom and Dad won't give you, Baba gives you... This is the grandmother of Christ. This is our grandmother. " I was immediately filled with the image of my own grandmother, and then, quickly, of Dorothy, who has given so much to my daughter. Without her unconditional love for my daughter, there would be no grandmother in her life to love and teach her. How blessed we are to have Dorothy - both of us - but especially Elisabeth. I had been thinking recently that as soon as I'm done with my commissions, I would paint an icon of St. Dorothy of Kashin, her patron saint, for her, but now I'm thinking that maybe an icon of St. Anna, the grandmother of Christ, might be a better choice....

We should ask her to intercede for us and not be afraid to ask her to. About saints interceding for us, Fr. Athanasiy said: "It says, 'The Lord is wonderful in His saints" doesn't it? The saints are God's holy people. WE are called to be saints... We have become part of God's holy people, and there are people that we identify with because sometimes they've fought the good fight and have gone through the things that we've suffered and we identify with the Church Triumphant. Those are the saints..... and they are not nobodies, they're somebodies and part of the human race...We say to these people that we know.... that have gone before us: I pray thee, speak a good word to Jesus for me, and they do. " I think I've been neglecting the saints... not only my own patroness, but all of them. Not neglecting, really, but not incorporating the reality of their existence on earth and in heaven into my own prayer life. Hm.... that's not really what I mean..... Maybe this is more accurate: not truly understanding or believing in their desire and ability to assist me in my own little portion of the world, in my own struggles, and instead, blindly trudging ahead on my own because, after all, I do know best, don't I? Sigh.

He went on to talk about the Theotokos: "We say in the service when we read the Gospel to the Mother of God, '....Yea, blessed are they that hear the Word of God and keep it.' Who, amongst all of humanity has kept the Word of God better than the Mother of God? She is humanities 'YES!' to God. She is the new Eve. She is 'Eva' spelled backwards: Ave... she is our Yes... She leads us - God chose her. He could have said, 'Here I Am" but he chose one of us. She is not to be put aside, either.... I've put her aside in my life, ignoring her example and her love for me, just as I've done the same thing with Christ. Spiritual laziness is what it is. Or maybe, just not wanting to give up my fascination with me long enough to look at where I'm going.... WHO I'm walking towards.... Selfishness. On my name day, Annunciation, every year I say YES again in my heart and rededicate myself, and this year was no different, but then as the days pass, I forget that and get caught up in the minutinae of everyday life with me me me me me. That's who I really worship. Me. That's who I spend time with every day - Me. That's who I love most - Me. That's where my treasure is - Me. Sigh. All my prayers have to do with ME, MY wants, MY needs, MY complaints, MY emotions. No wonder I can't hear anything He says - I'm always the one doing the talking, and I'm talking about my favorite subject: Me. Where is the gratitude? Where is the love? Where is the submission to His plan for me?

Near the end of the podcast, Fredericka said: "When we speak to the Lord, we are never speaking to Him in isolation. All the saints and everyone is standing around and we can be speaking and pleading with Him and we can say, 'Mary, help me out here....'" and Fr. Athanaisy responded: "In the scripture, we are surrounded by a choir of witnesses. We are rich, because everyone who has fought the good fight is part of us. We have a claim to their friendship, if we want it. All of heaven is ours because we are baptized in the church. I hadn't thought in these terms before. No matter how isolated I may feel, no matter how my groanings are prompted by my feelings of solitariness.... I am never alone, am I? I believe this intellectually, but somehow I'm not comforted by it. I must not truly 'get it'. Not internally. In a way, that's what practising iconography does for me - that's what the pull is for me - I connect with the person that I'm painting and the person I'm painting it for. I feel at peace and loving and loved. Sometimes I talk to the saint.... I guess that's praying. Maybe. Its so... grounding is the best word, I guess. Connected. I'd hate to give it up.

Who knew that when I clicked on a podcast about a weeping icon today, that I'd find all of this?

In the Month of the Theotokos

The Theotokos is my patroness, my mother. Dormition Fast is when I'm reminded of that. I realize that I don't call on her enough, and don't rely on her to intercede for me and mine.


Sometimes I wonder about her.... she was a woman, after all. A normal human woman, who found herself in extraordinary circumstances, and responded wholeheartedly, and without looking back, to God. But sometimes I wonder what her life was like, what she truly felt. Did she miss a normal family life? From the age of three, she lived in the temple, so even as a toddler, she didnt' have a normal family life. Did she ever wonder about having a normal marriage? I guess miraculously giving birth to your own creator must be so mindboggling and humbling that everything else is burnt out of your mind and heart. Every passion, every desire.

A long time ago, I read that she was very quiet, seldom laughed or smiled, and seldom spoke, yet she was filled with love for everyone, and everyone was filled with love for her as well. I have a hard time hearing myself over the cacophony of my own thoughts.

Sometimes I think that maybe I should adopt another Mary as a second patroness, or another female saint. Or even a male saint. Sometimes I think that maybe I need someone I can understand better, like Mary of Egypt, or Mary Magdalene, or Mary, the sister of Lazarus, or Maria Skobtsova. Or how about St. John Maximovitch?

No, I'll stay with Mary the Theotokos, who chose me herself. My mother said that she used to pray all the time to her because she wanted a baby so much, and when she was finally pregnant with me, picked only a boy's name. But when they showed me to her, she was inspired and said my name was Denise Marie after the Virgin Mary. Mom believed that the Theotokos chose me, and I do too.

I'm nothing like her. But she is mine and I am hers just the same. Its always been that way. I need to do better. I'm going to try harder.


TO THE THEOTOKOS ABOUT GOOD INTENTIONS AND HOW TO BE CLEANSED FROM THE PASSIONS

O most holy Theotokos, O only Lady who art utterly pure in both soul and body, look upon me, abominable and unclean as I am, who have blackened my soul and body with the stains of my passionate and gluttonous life.

Cleanse my passionate mind; set aright my blind and wandering thoughts and make them incorrupt; bring my senses to order and guide them; free me from my evil and repulsive addiction to unclean prejudices and passions which torment me; stop every sin that works in me.

Grant my clouded and wretched mind the sobriety and discernment to correct my intentions and failings that, freed from the darkness of sin, I might be worthy to boldly glorify and praise thee, O only true Mother of the true Light, Christ our God; for all creation, visible and invisible, blesses and glorifies thee, both with Him and in Him.

Amen

(From the SPIRITUAL PSALTER of St. Ephraim the Syrian; publ. by The St. John of Kronstadt Press)

I fear 9 out of 70 common fears

If you get more than 30 you're
paranoid.

If you get 10 or less you're fearless.

People who don't have any
are dummies who want people
to think they are tough stuff.

I Fear...

[] the dark
[] staying single forever
[] being a parent (or a bad one when it happens)
[] giving birth
[] being myself in front of others
[] open spaces
[] closed spaces
[] heights
[] cats
[] dogs
[x] birds
[] fish
[] spiders
[] driving or being in cars
[] flying
[] flowers or other plants
[] being touched
[] fire
[] deep water
[] the ocean
[X] failure
[x] success
[] thunder/lightning
[] frogs/toads
[] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[x] mice/rats
[x] jumping from high places
[] snow
[] rain
[] wind
[] crossing hanging bridges
[] death
[] Heaven
[X] being robbed
[] cotton balls
[] cemeteries at night
[] clowns
[] large crowds
[] men
[] women
[] having great responsibility
[] doctors
[] tornadoes/hurricanes
[] diseases
[] snakes
[x] sharks
[] Friday the 13th
[] ghosts
[] poverty
[] Halloween
[] school
[] trains or railroads
[] odd numbers
[] even numbers
[] being alone at night
[] being blind
[] being deaf
[] growing up
[] monsters under my bed
[x] creepy noises in the night
[] bee stings
[] bees
[] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[] needles
[] blood ( not my own)
[] dinosaurs
[] the welcome mat
[] feet!
[] having your heart broken
[] being rejected
[] whales
[] your mom
[] your dad
[X] rapists
[] gay people


post it with the subject:
i fear __ out of 70 common fears

A Book Meme! My two favorites in one!

Got this from Elizabeth over at The Garden Window. Loving books and memes the way I do, how could I resist?

Look at the list of books below:

* Bold the ones you’ve read,
* Italicize the ones you want to read
* Leave blank the ones that you aren’t interested in.

1. The DaVinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo) unabridged, thank you very much!
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery) in French and in English!
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According to Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte's Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce) completely unintelligible, but I read it

Standing Women

Dear Ones,

I have decided that I am going to do this. I am going to stand for five minutes in silence to save the world at 1 pm on May 13th. I invite you to do the same.

Go here for more information.