Prayers by the Lake #41

by St. Nikolai of Ochrid & Zica

With fasting I gladden my hope in You, my Lord, Who are to come again.

Fasting hastens my preparation for Your coming, the sole expectation of my days and nights.

Fasting makes my body thinner, so that what remains can more easily shine with the spirit.

While waiting for You, I wish neither to nourish myself with blood nor to take life--so that the animals may sense the joy of my expectation.

But truly, abstaining from food will not save me. Even if I were to eat only the sand from the lake, You would not come to me, unless the fasting penetrated deeper into my soul.

I have come to know through my prayer, that bodily fasting is more a symbol of true fasting, very beneficial for someone who has only just begun to hope in You, and nevertheless very difficult for someone who merely practices it.

Therefore I have brought fasting into my soul to purge her of many impudent fiancé's and to prepare her for You like a virgin.

And I have brought fasting into my mind, to expel from it all daydreams about worldly matters and to demolish all the air castles, fabricated from those daydreams.

I have brought fasting into my mind, so that it might jettison the world and prepare to receive Your Wisdom. And I have brought fasting into my heart, so that by means of it my heart might quell all passions and worldly selfishness.

I have brought fasting into my heart, so that heavenly peace might ineffably reign over my heart, when Your stormy Spirit encounters it.

I prescribe fasting for my tongue, to break itself of the habit of idle chatter and to speak reservedly only those words that clear the way for You to come.

And I have imposed fasting on my worries so that it may blow them all away before itself like the wind that blows away the mist, lest they stand like dense fog between me and You, and lest they turn my gaze back to the world.

And fasting has brought into my soul tranquility in the face of uncreated and created realms, and humility towards men and creatures. And it has instilled in me courage, the likes of which I never knew when I was armed with every sort of worldly weapon.

What was my hope before I began to fast except merely another story told by others, which passed from mouth to mouth? The story told by others about salvation through prayer and fasting became my own.

False fasting accompanies false hope, just as no fasting accompanies hopelessness. But just as a wheel follows behind a wheel, so true fasting follows true hope.

Help me to fast joyfully and to hope joyously, for You, my Most Joyful Feast, are drawing near to me with Your radiant smile.

I got tagged!

This is from my friend Kathy at church:

1.What is your occupation? Mother, choir director, iconographer, workforce development professional

2.What color are your socks right now? Socks? I don't DO socks. The last time I wore hose of any sort was a year ago Thanksgiving when I was home in Boston.

3.What are you listening to right now? The clatter of the keys on my keyboard and Poochie snoring

4.What is the last thing you ate? Lunch: Lidya's lentil soup, half a bagel and a yogurt

5.Can you drive a stick shift? Yes, but its ugly!

6.If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I can never answer this question - every color has its beauty!

7.Last person you spoke to on the phone? Elisabeth's Baba Dorothy

8.Do you like the person who sent this to you? Absolutely!

9.How old are you today? 51

10.Favorite nonalcoholic Drink? ice water

11.What is your favorite sport to watch? Figure skating, but its not as much fun to watch alone as it was with my mother

12.Have you ever dyed your hair? Oh yes! And Cat dyed my hair as well - first fire engine red, then purple. I mean, aubergine. Yes, aubergine. After that, I decided to wash away the gray myself with Copper Penny, until my white streak in my bangs turned pink.

14.Pets? Puccini, the fat and spoiled shih tzu and Maggie, the spoiled tabby

15.Favorite food? Lobster, chocolate, Thai, Indian, stuffed artichokes, my grandmother's gravy

16.What was the last movie you watched? I re-watched two movies the other night: The 40 Year Old Virgin and Bride and Prejudice.

17.Favorite month of the year? Not a favorite month per se, but I love fall.

18.What do you do to vent anger? Blog

19.What was your favorite toy as a child? Guadalupe

20.What is your favorite season? see #17

22.Cherries or Blueberries? blueberries

23 email you back? Yes

24.Who is most likely to respond? Not respond? To MOI?????

25.Who is least likely to respond? See #24

26.Living arrangements? I live with a lazy, demented dog, a spoiled evil cat who hates me with a virulent and painful passion, and my 17 year old dear daughter. Somebody help me!

27.When was the last time you cried? Yesterday

28.What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes, clothes hamper, clothes, water color paper, art portfolio, jar of loose change

29. The friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? Ellen

30.What did you do last night? dozed on the sofa and then read

31.Favorite smell? bread baking, freshly bathed babies, puppies mouths, KL perfume (alas, no longer made), Bill's neck

32.What inspires you? Beauty. God is Beauty.

33.What are you afraid of? Success

34.Plain,cheese or spicy hamburgers? Yes

36.Favorite dog breed? Small couch potato lap dogs

37.Number of keys on your key ring? 1 car key, 1 house key, 1 rental house key, 2 church keys

38.How many years at your current job? Current job with GA DOL since August, 2006

39.Favorite day of the week? Sunday afternoons

40.What states have you lived in? MA, NH, CA, GA and Mexico

41.Favorite holiday? Pascha (Easter)

42. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery? I've ridden on a mortorcycle, but never driven one. I have driven a huge truck and earth moving equipment.

43.Who's your favorite NFL team? What is NFL? Does it has to do with figure skating?

44. Do you have a house phone that is NOT cordless? no

45. 10 inches of snow or 100 degree weather? Neither. They both are unbearable.

Now you know your friends better! Make their day and do something you now know they would like!

Mama

Beatrice Elena Cieri Babineau

March 13, 1919 - February 11, 2005

It has been two years since my mother died. Today, it has been two years. I keep replaying that last day in my head, that last day that I knew would her last day. I remember everything.

After two years, the constancy of the pain has ended. Now, there is only pain when I remember that I will never see her again, or smell her, or talk with her, or hear her voice, or touch her, and that is every single day. But its not constant. There are periods of every day when I'm busy doing something else, or reading, or painting, when I don't remember that my mother is dead.

Sometimes when I remember her, I remember good things and laugh. I tell stories about her to people. Once in a while, I do or say something very Bea-like and my daughter laughs and tells me that I'm channeling her. We laugh together over remembrances about Mom a lot.

But underneath it all, the forever of death is sharp and painful and neverending.

I read Sheila's blog yesterday, and she wrote: "I miss my mother all the time; it only hurts when I think about it, so I try not to think about it too much." I understand. I miss my mother too, and I miss her mother as well. Love is strong - it won't allow itself to be severed - so you go on loving but with nowhere to actually "put" that love, because the person is gone.

When Adam and Eve were thrown out of Paradise, they were told that the results of their sin would cause them to live by the sweat of their brow and to bear children in pain. That pain is not physical labor pains, I don't think, not at all. That pain is knowing that death and separation are inevitable, and you will be separated from those you love the most. You will die and those you love will die.

The biggest pain is this: Whatever I'm feeling, the pain and loss and loneliness and separation, my death will inflict on my daughter. Deep sigh.

Today, as is the Orthodox custom, my parish will serve a memorial service for my mother following liturgy. The words of the prayers are so beautiful -- I pray them for my mother regularly:

O God of spirits and of all flesh, who has trampled down Death and overthrown the devil, and given life to the world; Do Thou, the same Lord, give rest to the soul of Thy departed handmaid, Beatrice, in a place of brightness, a place of verdure, a place of repose, where all sickness, sorrow and sighing have fled away. Pardon every transgression which she has committed, whether by word, or deed, or thought. For Thou art a good God and lovest mankind; because there is no man who lives and sins not: for Thou only art without sin, and Thy righteousness is to all eternity, and Thy word is truth.

Give rest with the just, O our Saviour, to Thy handmaid, Beatrice, and establish her in Thy courts as it is written; not regarding her sins, as Thou art good, whether voluntary or involuntary, and all things commmitted in knowledge or in ignorance, O Thou who lovest mankind.

With the saints give rest, O Lord, to the soul of Thy handmaid, Beatrice, where there is neither sickness, nor sorrow, nor sighing, but life everlasting.

Thou only art immortal, who has created and fashioned man. For out of the earth were we mortals made, and unto the earth shall we return again, as Thou did command when Thou made me, saying: For earth thou art, and unto the earth shalt thou return. Wither also all we mortals wend our way, making our funeral dirge the song: Alleluia!

Give rest O Lord, to the soul of Thy handmaid Beatrice, departed this life.

With the spirits of the Righteous made perfect, give rest to the soul of Thy handmaid, Beatrice, O Lord, and preserve her in that life of blessedness which is with Thee, O Thou who lovest mankind. In the place of Thy rest, O Lord, where all Thy saints repose, give rest also to the soul of Thy handmaid, Beatrice, O Lord, for Thou only lovest mankind.

Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.

Thou art God who descended into hell and loosed the bonds of the captives: Do Thou also give rest to the soul of Thy handmaid, Beatrice, O Lord.

Now and Ever and unto ages of ages. Amen.

O Virgin alone pure and undefiled, who without seed brought forth God, pray that her soul may be saved.

Amen.

Do Not Resent, Do Not React, Keep Inner Stillness

by Fr. Jonah - St. John of Shanghai Monastery
OCF College Conference
January 11, 2007
College Conference Booklet


When I was in seminary I had the great blessing of becoming the spiritual son of a Greek bishop, Bishop Kallistos of Xelon. He ended his life as the bishop of Denver of the Greek Archdiocese. It was he who taught me the Jesus Prayer. The whole spiritual vision of Bishop Kallistos had three very simple points:

Do not resent. Do not react. Keep inner stillness.

These three spiritual principles, or disciplines, are really a summation of the Philokalia, the collection of Orthodox Christian spiritual wisdom. And they are disciplines every single one of us can practice, no matter where we are in life - whether we´re in the monastery or in school; whether we´re housewives or retired; whether we´ve got a job or we´ve got little kids to run
after. If we can hold on to and exercise these three principles, we will be able to go deeper and deeper in our spiritual life.

Do Not Resent
When we look at all the inner clutter that is in our lives, hearts and souls, what do we find? We find resentments. We find remembrance of wrongs. We find self-justifications. We find these in ourselves because of pride. It is pride that makes us hold on to our justifications for our continued anger against other people. And it is hurt pride, or vainglory, which feeds our envy and jealousy. Envy and jealousy lead to resentment.

Resentfulness leads to a host of problems. The more resentful we are of other people, the more depressed we become. And the more we are consumed with the desire to have what they have, which is avarice. Often we´ll then engage in the addictive use of the substance of the material world - whether it´s food or alcohol or drugs or sex or some other thing - to medicate ourselves into forgetfulness and to distract ourselves from our resentments.

One of the most valuable and important things that we can thus do is look at all of the resentments that we have. And one of the best ways of accomplishing this is to make a life confession. And not just once, before we´re baptized or chrismated. In the course of our spiritual life we may make several, in order to really dig in to our past and look at these resentments that we bear against other people. This will enable us to do the difficult work that it takes to overcome these resentments through forgiveness.

What does forgiveness mean? Forgiveness does not mean excusing or justifying the actions of somebody. For example, saying "Oh, he abused me but that´s O.K., that´s just his nature," or "I deserved it." No, if somebody abused you that was a sin against you. But when we hold resentments, when we hold anger and bitterness within ourselves against those who have abused us in some way, we take their abuse and we continue it against ourselves. We have to stop that cycle. Most likely that person has long gone and long forgotten us, forgotten that we even existed. But maybe not. Maybe it was a parent or someone else close, which makes the resentment all the more bitter. But for the sake of our own soul and for the sake of our own peace, we need to forgive. We should not justify the action, but we should overlook the action and see that there´s a person there who is struggling with sin. We should see that the person
we have resented, the person we need to forgive, is no different than we are, that they sin just like we do and we sin just like they do.

Of course, it helps if the person whom we resent, the person who offended us or abused us in some way, asks forgiveness of us. But we can´t wait for this. And we can´t hold on to our resentments even after outwardly saying we´ve forgiven. Think of the Lord´s Prayer: "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." If we don´t forgive, we can´t even pray the Lord´s Prayer without condemning ourselves. It´s not that God condemns
us. We condemn ourselves by refusing to forgive. We will never have peace if we don´t forgive, only resentment. It is one of the hardest things to do, and our culture does not understand it. It is to look at the person we need to forgive, and to love them - despite how they may have sinned against us. Their sin is their sin, and they have to deal with it themselves. But we sin is in
our reaction against their sin.

Do Not React
So this first spiritual principle - do not resent - leads to the second. We must learn to not react. This is just a corrollary of "turn the other cheek." When somebody says something hurtful, or somebody does something hurtful, what is it that´s being hurt? It´s our ego. Nobody can truly hurt us. They might cause some physical pain, or emotional pain. They might even kill our
body. But nobody can hurt our true selves. We have to take responsibility for our own reactions. Then we can control our reactions.

There are a number of different levels to this principle. On the most blatant level, if someone hits you don´t hit them back. Turn the other cheek - that ´s the Lord´s teaching. Now, this is hard enough. But there is a deeper level still. Because if somebody hits you, and you don´t hit them back - but you resent them, and you bear anger and hatred and bitterness against them, you´ ve still lost. You have still sinned. You have still broken your relationship with God, because you bear that anger in your heart. One of the things which is so difficult to come to terms with is the reality that when we bear anger and resentment and bitterness in our hearts, we erect barriers to God´s grace within ourselves. It´s not that God stops giving us His grace. It´s that we say, "No. I don´t want it." What is His grace? It is His love, His mercy, His compassion, His activity in our lives. The holy Fathers tell us that each and every human person who has ever been born on this earth bears the image of God undistorted within themselves. In our Tradition there is no such thing as fallen nature. There are fallen persons, but not fallen nature. The implication of this truth is that we have no excuses for our sins. We are responsible for our sins, for the choices we make. We are responsible for our actions, and our reactions. "The devil made me do it" is no excuse, because the devil has no more power over us than we give him. This is hard to accept, because it is really convenient to blame the devil. It is also really convenient to blame the other person, or our past. But, it is also a lie. Our choices are our own.

On an even deeper level, this spiritual principle - do not react - teaches us that we need to learn to not react to thoughts. One of the fundamental aspects of this is inner watchfulness. This might seem like a daunting task, considering how many thoughts we have. However, our watchfulness does not need to be focused on our thoughts. Our watchfulness needs to be focused on God. We need to maintain the conscious awareness of God´s presence. If we can maintain the conscious awareness of His presence, our thoughts will have no power over us. We can, to paraphrase St. Benedict, dash our thoughts against the presence of God. This is a very ancient patristic teaching. We focus our attention on the remembrance of God. If we can do that, we will begin to contol our troubling thoughts. Our reactions are about our thoughts. After all, if
someone says something nasty to us, how are we reacting? We react first through our thinking, our thoughts. Perhaps we´re habitually accustomed to just lashing out after taking offense with some kind of nasty response of our own. But keeping watch over our minds so that we maintain that living communion with God leaves no room for distracting thoughts. It leaves plenty of room if we decide we need to think something through intentionally in the presence of God.
But as soon as we engage in something hateful, we close God out. And the converse is true - as long as we maintain our connection to God, we won´t be capable of engaging in something hateful. We won´t react.

Keep Inner Stillness
The second principle, the second essential foundation of our spiritual life - do not react - leads to the third. This third principle is the practice of inner stillness. The use of the Jesus Prayer is an extremely valuable tool for this. But the Jesus Prayer is a means, not an end. It is a means for
entering into deeper and deeper conscious communion. It´s a means for us to acquire and maintain the awareness of the presence of God. The prayer developed within the tradition of hesychasm, in the desert and on the Holy Mountain. But hesychasm is not only about the Jesus Prayer. It is about inner stillness and silence.

Inner stillness is not merely emptiness. It is a focus on the awareness of the presence of God in the depths of our heart. One of the essential things we have to constantly remember is that God is not out there someplace. He´s not just in the box on the altar. It may be the dwelling place of His glory. But God is everywhere. And God dwells in the depths of our hearts. When we can
come to that awareness of God dwelling in the depths of our hearts, and keep our attention focused in that core, thoughts vanish.

How do we do this? In order to enter in to deep stillness, we have to have a lot of our issues resolved. We have to have a lot of our anger and bitterness and resentments resolved. We have to forgive. If we don´t we´re not going to get into stillness, because the moment we try our inner turmoil is going to come vomiting out. This is good - painful, but good. Because when we try to enter into stillness and we begin to see the darkness that is lurking in our souls, we can then begin to deal with it. It distracts us from trying to be quiet, from trying to say the Jesus Prayer, but that´s just part of the process. And it takes time.

The Fathers talk about three levels of prayer. The first level is oral prayer, where we´re saying the prayer with our lips. We may use a prayer rope, saying "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me," or whatever form we use. The next level is mental prayer, where we´re saying the prayer in our mind. Prayer of the mind - with the Jesus Prayer, with prayer book prayers, with liturgical prayers -keeps our minds focused and helps to integrate us, so that our lips and our mind are in the same place and doing the same thing. We all know that we can be standing in church, or standing at prayer, and we may be mouthing the words with our lips but our mind is thinking about the grocery list. The second level of prayer overcomes this problem, but it is not the final level.

The final level of prayer is prayer of the heart, or spiritual prayer. It is here where we encounter God, in the depths of our soul. Here we open the eye of our attention, with the intention of being present to God who is present within us. This is the key and the core of the whole process of spiritual growth and transformation.

II. So how do we do this?

The Prayer of Stillness
The foundation of the spiritual process is learning to keep inner silence, the prayer of stillness. On the basis of this, we gain insight into how to stop resenting and to stop reacting. Then the process goes deeper and deeper, rooting out our deeply buried resentments and passions, memories of hurt and sin, so that the silence penetrates our whole being. Then we can begin to
think clearly, and to attain towards purity of heart.

Before beginning this process, it is important to have an established relationship with a spiritual guide, a father confessor or spiritual mother, to help you. Confession is a central part of the spiritual life, and things that come up in prayer, as well as resolving resentments and other issues, are part of that. It is also valuable to expose obsessive or sinful thoughts to your confessor. Simply exposing them deprives them of their power. We always need to be accompanied on the journey within. Prayer is always a corporate action, leading to the transcendence of our individual isolation into a state of communion with God and the Other.

The Jesus Prayer, "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner," or some form of it, can be used as a vehicle to help us bring our attention into a prayerful state. The Jesus Prayer states the intention of our prayer, and we use it first verbally and then mentally until it goes beyond word and thought and becomes pure intention in deep silence.

A prayer rope is very helpful to get started, not so much as to count prayers, but to keep the physical level of attention. We say one prayer on each knot, going round and round the rope, until our attention is focused in prayer. Then we can stop moving around the rope, and be still. The rope is not important in and of itself; one can pray just as well without it. It is an aid. Another aid is to follow your breath. What is important is not to get caught up in technique, but to pray.

The Prayer can be said standing, kneeling or sitting. If one is ill, lying down is acceptable; but it is hard to preserve focused attention while lying down. Prayer is not relaxation. It may relax you, but that is not the point. Posture is important to help keep your attention focused. If you´re sitting, it helps to keep your back straight and your shoulders back. One can also be prostrate on the ground, but it takes practice to let go of the physical distractions.

In beginning to pray, remember that God is "everywhere present and filling all things." In prayer, you make yourself present to God. Open your mind and heart, your awareness of God, so that the sense of God´s Presence fills your consciousness. At first, we may not have a sense of God´s Presence. But the more disciplined our practice of prayer, the more that conscious awareness of God will fill our mind and heart. This is not an image, a thought "that" God is present (though this is a place to start), or a feeling or physical sensation. It is simply an awareness. This is the beginning of spiritual consciousness, where our awareness moves from the head to the heart, and from God as an object to a sense of being rapt in God´s Presence.

How to Enter the Prayer of Stillness
In short, sit down and collect yourself, and remember that God is present. Say the Trisagion Prayers if you wish. Breathe in slowly and deeply a couple of times, following your breath to the center of your chest. Begin to say the Jesus Prayer quietly, slowly, until you have a sense of God´s Presence. Then let the Jesus Prayer trail off, and go into silence. Thoughts will come,
but simply let them go by. Don´t let them grab your attention. But if they do, gently dismiss them and bring your focus back to God´s Presence, perhaps using the Jesus Prayer to reestablish your intention to pray. Go deeper within yourself, below the thoughts, into the deeper stillness and awareness of Presence, and simply abide there.

The period of prayer should start out with a few minutes, and may entirely be occupied at first with the Jesus Prayer. Eventually, over a period of weeks or months, as you begin to master keeping your attention focused and dismissing thoughts, let it expand up to twenty or thirty minutes. Two periods of prayer, early in the morning and early in the evening are an excellent
discipline.

Surrender and Detachment
The Prayer of Stillness is a process of inner surrender to the Presence and activity of God within yourself. Surrender your thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, agendas, plans, images and submit them to the Divine Presence. This is surrender of the ego, and the enkindling of our spiritual awareness. We stop our ego and its thoughts from distracting our attention, and permit God´
s energy to work within to heal our souls. This is a kind of active and willful passivity, so that God becomes the active partner in prayer.

It becomes obvious that we cannot hold any kind of rancor or resentment, lust or passion, in our minds while trying to enter into silence. In fact, all our attachments to things, people, concepts and ideas have to be surrendered during silent prayer, and thus, they are brought into perspective. The more we connect with God in prayer, the more detached we become. It is a
necessity if we are going to progress in prayer and in communion with God. All things that are obstacles to our living communion fall away, if we let them. The key, of course, is to surrender them and let them go.

The Emptying of the Subconscious
One critically important process that occurs is the emptying of the subconscious. After we have gotten to a point of stillness, over a period of days or weeks, we will be flooded by memories of past hurts, sins, resentments, images and sensations, and wrongs done to us. At first, we feel like we make progress in the prayer, and it is nice and peaceful. Then, with the flood of
memories, we feel like we are going backwards. This is progress! It is the beginning of the process of the purification of our soul. It is extremely unpleasant, at times, but the key is to not allow ourselves to react. These memories have been suppressed, and are now coming to awareness so that they can be dealt with. This purification is already the action of grace illumining your soul.

During prayer, make a mental note of the memory or sin, and then take it to confession. Sometimes these memories and the feelings connected with them can be overwhelming. This is why accompaniment on the spiritual journey is so important. You need someone who can encourage and reassure you, as well as help you resolve the issues that come to awareness, and forgive your sins. It is extremely distressing when suppressed memories of abuse and violent
emotions come up. It can not only be confusing, but it can dominate our consciousness. We have to deal with these issues, as they come up, in order to be purified and open ourselves to God. This means working through forgiveness, accepting forgiveness, and forgiving ourselves and God.

The Imagination
Another thing that comes up is images, which play on our mind and imagination. There are two main levels here: first, the memory images we have seen that are connected with our passions; the second, images from our imagination. All the images we have ever seen are stored in our brain. They range from the face of our mother from our infancy,and other joyful images, to
pornographic and violent images or those who have hurt us. These images are especially
powerful if they are attached to some kind of passionate act, of lust or anger. They can be a strong distraction from awareness of God. What is important is to remember that these are just thoughts, memories, and we can dismiss them. They have no power over us that we do not give them. The task is to get beneath them, and let them go, and eventually take them to confession.
The second level of images is what is produced by the imagination. We quiet down, and start to pray, and go into all sorts of imaginal realms, populated by angels, demons, and any and everything else. Many people take this as spiritual vision. But it is not. It is the realm of delusion, and there is nothing spiritual about it. This is especially dangerous if one has a past
with hallucinogens and other psychotropic drugs. The task is, first, to stay with the Jesus Prayer. Then, after much practice, go into silence and be absolutely resolute to allow no images, even of Jesus or the saints, into one´s mind during prayer. The imagination is still part of the mind, not the spirit (nous). Even icons are not to be contemplated in an objective sense,
bringing the image into the mind. As St John Chrysostom wrote, somewhere, When you pray before your icons, light a candle and then close your eyes! The icon is a sacrament of the Presence.

Spiritual work is very serious business. If we do not work through the issues that arise in a healthy way, they can literally drive us crazy. It takes a deep commitment to the spiritual process, so as not to be distracted by the emptying of our subconscious, and led into despondency or despair. The task is to persevere, and let the process take its course. This means confessing our thoughts and resolving our resentments, and receiving absolution of our sins. Eventually, it works itself through, though it may take months or years to do so. As Metropolitan Anthony Bloom said, somewhere, when it gets too heavy, sit back and have a cup of tea! God is going to be there; it is we who have to work through our issues so we can be present to Him.

Dealing with Resentments
Resentment and reaction are deeply interrelated. Resentment is an impassioned reaction, based on a judgment of a person (or the self), where our passions are ignited. Resentment is a reaction which we hold within ourselves, and allow ourselves to nurture. It comes from and feeds off our passions, from judgment of others. Resentment is judgment and objectification of a person
according to his actions which have offended us.

The real key to resolving resentment is to realize that it is not the other person who is causing it, but that it is our own reaction. The actions of the other person may have precipitated the reaction, his words or deeds, his sin; but the reaction to those sins, words or deeds is purely our own. We can only control what belongs to us; we cannot control another person. It is our decision to allow ourselves to be possessed by our passions and reactions, or to take control over our own lives. It is our decision to take responsibility for our own reactions, or to allow ourselves to be caught in the vicious cycle of blaming the other person, in resentment and self-righteousness.

Blame and resentment lead nowhere, except to bitterness and unhappiness. They make us into helpless victims, which in turn robs us of the power to take responsibility for ourselves.

Resentment comes when we refuse to forgive someone, justifying ourselves by our self-righteous indignation at being hurt. Some of these hurts can be very deep: abuse, abandonment, betrayal, rejection. Sometimes they can be very petty. We keep turning the hurt over and over in our minds, and refuse let it go by justifying our anger. Then we feel justified in hating or
despising the person who hurt us. Doing this, we continue to beat ourselves up with someone else´s sin, and compound the other person´s sin by our own resentfulness. We blind ourselves to our own sin, and focus only on the sin of the other, and in so doing, we lose all perspective.

We have to put things into perspective, and realize that the other person´s actions are only part of the equation, and that our own reaction is entirely our own sin. To do this, we have to move towards forgiveness. To forgive does not mean to justify the other person´s sin. It does not
mean that we absolve the other person-not hold them responsible for their sin. Rather, we acknowledge that they have sinned and that it hurt us. But what do we do with that hurt? If we resent, we turn it against ourselves. But if we forgive, we accept the person for who he is, not according to his actions; we drop our judgment of the person. We realize that he is a sinner just
like me. If I am aware of my own sins, I can never judge anyone. We can begin to love him as we love ourselves, and excuse his falling short as we forgive ourselves. It helps when the person who hurt us asks for forgiveness, but it is not necessary. We must always forgive: not only because God forgave us; but also because we hurt ourselves by refusing to forgive.

Our resentments can also be extremely petty. Sometimes we resent because we cannot control or manipulate someone to behave according to our expectations. We become resentful of our own frustration, where the other really had nothing to do with it. All our expectations of other people are projections of our own self-centeredness. If we can let other people simply be who they are, and rejoice in that, then we will have tremendous peace!

We have to be watchful over ourselves, so that we do not allow ourselves to project our expectations on others, or allow resentment to grow within us. This kind of awareness, watchfulness, is nurtured by the practice of cutting off our thoughts and practicing inner stillness. By this, we practice cutting off our reactions, which all start with thoughts. We can come to see what is our own reaction, and what belongs to the other.

Eventually, we see that our judgment of the other is really about ourselves, our own actions, words, attitudes and temptations, which we see reflected in the other person. To face this means to face our own hypocrisy, and to change. If we judge and condemn someone for the same sins, thoughts, words and deeds that we have ourselves, then we are hypocrites. We must repent from our hypocrisy. This is real repentance: to recognize and acknowledge our own sin, and turn away from it towards God and towards our neighbor.

We have to see how our sins distract us from loving our neighbor, and from loving God. Our love of our brother is the criterion of our love of God. St John tells us, How can we love God whom we have not seen, if we can´t love our neighbor whom we can? If you say that you love God and hate your brother, you are a liar. If we love God, then we will forgive our neighbor, as God
has also forgiven us.

The conscious awareness of our own reactions and judgments, of our attachment to our passions of anger and our own will, is the first level of spiritual awareness and watchfulness. We have to move beyond self-centeredness (oblivious to others), to becoming self-aware, aware of our own inner processes through watching our thoughts and reactions.

Repentance and Confession
Awareness of our sins and hypocrisy, our short comings and falls, leads us to repentance and the transformation of our life. Repentance, conversion, the transformation of our mind and our life, is the core of the Christian life. Repentance does not mean to beat ourselves up for our sins, or to dwell in a state of guilt and morose self-condemnation. Rather, it means to confront our sins, and reject and renounce them, and confess them, trying not to do them again.

What this does is, that to the extent we renounce and confess our sins, they no longer generate thoughts, which accuse us or spur passionate reactions. Sometimes we have to confess things several times, because we only repent of, or are even conscious of, aspects of the sin. Things that make us feel guilty, provoke our conscience, or that we know are acts of disobedience all
should be confessed. We have to train our conscience, not by memorizing lists of sins, but by becoming aware of what breaks our relationship with God and other people. We need to be conscious of God´s presence, and realize what distracts us from it. These things are sins. Of course, we are experts at deluding ourselves, when we really want to do something, and we know that it is not blessable.

Confession is not only Christ´s first gift to the Church, the authority to forgive sins in His Name; but is one of the most important means of healing our souls. Sins are not sins because they are listed in a book somewhere. They are sins because they break our relationship with God, other people, and distort our true self. Sins are sins because they hurt us and other people. We need to heal that hurt, and revealing the act or thought or attitude takes away the shame that keeps it concealed, and prevents healing. We need to confess the things that we are the most ashamed of, the secret sins which we know are betrayals of our true self. If we don´t confess them, they fester and generate all sorts of despondency, depression and guilt, shame and despair. The result of that is that we identify ourselves with our sins. For example, same-sex attraction becomes gay identity. Failure in some area becomes a general self-identification with being a failure.

What is critically important is that we are not our sins, thoughts or actions. These things happen, we sin, have bad thoughts and do wicked and evil things. But we are not our thoughts or actions. Repentance means to stop and renounce not only the actions, but to renounce the identity that goes with it. Thoughts are going to come. But we can learn, through practicing inner stillness, to let our thoughts go. They will still be there, but we can learn to not react to them, and eventually, simply to ignore them.

The process of purifying our self is hard and painful, at first; but becomes the source of great joy. The more we confess, honestly and nakedly, the more we open ourselves to God´s grace, and the lighter we feel. Truly the angels in heaven (and the priest standing before you bearing witness to the confession) rejoice immensely when a person truly repents and confesses their sins, no matter how dark and heinous. There is no sin so grievous that it cannot be forgiven. NOTHING! The only sin not forgiven is thinking that God cannot forgive our sin. He forgives. We have to forgive our self, and accept His forgiveness.

Preparing for confession is an important process. It means to take stock of our life, and to recognize where we have fallen, and that we need to repent. The following should help to prepare for confession, but it is not a laundry list. Rather, it should help to spur our memory, so that we can bring things to consciousness that we have forgotten. It is more of an examination
of conscience.

The Passions: Gluttony, lust, avarice; anger, envy, despondency; vainglory, pride.

The Commandments: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself.

Loving God
Do I love God? Do I really believe in God, or just go through the motions?

Do I pray, and when I do, do I connect, or is it just mechanical? Do I rush through prayers, Scripture readings, and spiritual literature? Do I seek the will of God in all things? Do I rebel against what I know to be God´s will, and the Christian life? Do I try to be obedient, and constantly surrender my life to God?

Do I go to church, go to confession and communion regularly, keep the fasts?

Do I try to be conscious of God´s Presence, or not?

Do I try to sanctify my life? Or do I give in to temptation easily? Thoughtlessly?

Loving our Neighbor
How do I treat the people around me? Do I allow myself to judge, criticize, gossip about or condemn my neighbor? Do I put people down? Do I look for their faults? Do I condescend and talk down to others?

Do I treat others with kindness, gentleness, patience? Or am I mean, rough and nasty? Do I try to control others, manipulate others?

Do I regard others with love and compassion?

Do I bear anger or resentments against others? Hatred, bitterness, scorn?

Do I use and objectify others for my own pleasure or advantage? For sex, for profit, or for anything else which de-personalizes him/her?

Do I envy and bear jealousy towards my neighbor? Do I take pleasure in his
misfortunes?

Do I act thoughtlessly, oblivious to the feelings or conscience of the other? Do I lead my neighbor into temptation intentionally? Do I mock him or make fun of him?

Do I honor the commitments I have made? Marriage vows? Monastic vows? Do I honor my parents? Am I faithful in my relationships? Do I have stability in my commitments?

Am I conscious of how my words and actions affect others?

Have I stolen anything, abused or hurt anyone? Have I committed adultery?

Have I injured or killed someone?

Do I covet other people´s things? Do I lust after possessions or money?

Does my life revolve around making money and buying things?

Loving Our Selves
How am I self-centered, egotistical, self-referenced?

Do I take care of myself, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually? Am I obsessed about my self, my image, my appearance, my desires and agenda?

Do I indulge in laziness? Do I get despondent, depressed, despairing?

Do I beat myself up, indulge in self-hatred or self-pity? Do I injure myself? Do I have low self-esteem, or think myself worthless?

Do I blame other people for my reactions? Do I feel myself a victim? Do I take responsibility for my own reactions and behaviors?

Do I engage in addictive behaviors, abusing alcohol, food, drugs, sex, pornography, masturbation? How do I try to console myself when I´m feeling down?

Do I have anger and resentment, rage, and other strong emotions and passions suppressed within me? Do I act out on them? How do they affect my behavior? Can I control them or do I abuse other people?

Am I conscious of how my words affect people?

How am I a hypocrite? Can I face my own hypocrisy? Am I lying to and deluding myself?

Do I have a realistic idea of myself? Am I honest with myself and others? What kind of façade do I put up?

Have I done things which I don´t want to or am too ashamed to admit? Abuse of others or animals, incest, homosexual acts, perverse actions? Have I abused drugs, sex or other things which I don´t want to acknowledge? Am I afraid that I am those things-an alcoholic, drug addict, gay, child abuser? Am I afraid to confess them? Can I forgive myself for these things? What do I feel guilty about? Does guilt control my life?

Am I being faithful to myself, to God, to others? Does my life have integrity?

From:
http://my.orthodoxcircle.com/_blog/index.php?id=OC/FrJonah&blogid=35718

My Personal DNA

Got this from Ian over at Exploring Orthodoxy

Generous Inventor

Another Meme

I just love these things! I should get a life!

A is for Age – 51
B is for Booze – dirty martini
C is for Career – CWDP: Certified Workforce Development Professional
D is for Dad’s name – Edmour
E is for Essential items to bring to a party – I keep getting asked to bring my blender, a 2 hp Vitamix
F is for Favorite songs -- hard to choose just one.... but Kedrov's Our Father; Rachmaninov's Rejoice O Virgin; O Lord, Save Thy People in Obikhod Tone 1 - they always make me cry.
G is for Goof off thing to do – surf the internet
H is for Hometown – Everett, MA and Lake Sunapee, NH
I is for Instrument you play – I used to play all the brass except slide trombone, particularly the french horn; I can play the piano and guitar a little
J is for Jam or Jelly you like – Apple Butter, Freedom Acres brand champagne mint, damson plum and raspberry. There is no other.
K is for Kids - Just one, but she's a fantastic one
L is for Living arrangement – My cheerful little house in Richmond Hill with my almost 17yo dd, one spoiled male shih tzu and our female princess. I mean, our female kitten!
M is for Mom’s name – Beatrice Elena Cieri Babineau
N is for Names of best friends – My best girlfriends, other than my cousins, are Ellen, Cindy, Joan and Carla.
O is for overnight hospital stays – 4 for when I was the patient, and probably about a dozen for when dd or mother or father were the patients
P is for Phobias – Birds flying around near me! Blech! Scary!
Q is for Quote you like – Isaiah 40:30-31
R is for Relationship that lasted longest – It used to be with my life-long friend, Keith, but he died a few years ago.... so now, other than family members and my ex, I think its with my dear friend Ellen
S is for Siblings - No blood brothers or sisters, but two cousins who are the sisters of my heart - Ethel and Roseanne. I love you guys!
T is for Texas , Ever been? – Oh yeah, I've been, and not just in an airport, either. My folks and I and dd drove through it on our way from CA to GA, stopping everywhere we felt like. I particularly liked San Antonio.
U is for Unique trait – Not unique, but a predominant trait I have is that I'm overly helpful. My family and friends understand that I'm just trying to help, but my enemies think I'm bossy and a know it all.
V is for Vegetable you love – Love 'em all! Esp brussels sprouts, artichokes, asparagus.....
W is for Worst traits – See unique trait
X - is for XRays you’ve had – I think pretty much all of me has been x-rayed at some point.
Y is for Yummy food you make – Most things I make are pretty yummy, though I occasionally have to toss something in the trash
Z is for Zodiac sign – I don't really follow this kind of stuff, but I've been told that I'm an atypical Virgo.

Christmas Meme

I got this from Lola and it looks like fun.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Tough choice. I think egg nog at Christmastime, particularly if it has some brandy in it. On the other hand, I love hot chocolate.....

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? I used to wrap everything carefully, but once you have a child, it seems pointless to do more than just wrap the presents. Now that she's almost grown, I do the bag thing.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White. Always white. I come from New England, and white lights make me think of icicles.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Yes, always!

5. When do you put your decorations up? Until a couple of years ago, the earlier the better. I always used to put the tree up on Thanksgiving weekend. But then my parents were failing and it was hard to get everything up. Last year was the first year without my folks, and I just couldn't get into the spirit, so I think we finally got the tree up about a week or so before Christmas. Our tree still isn't up - we were going to do it this afternoon, but both of us are sick. This week for sure, though!

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? For Christmas, I like to eat either chicken cooked in wine or roast pork or kibbee.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Most of my favorite childhood memories have to do with my mother, her sisters and my grandmother cooking for weeks prior to every holiday in that old green kitchen on B St.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I don't remember, I really don't. I don't remember that I was devastated or anything.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? As a child, the family would go to midnight mass, and stop at our house on the way home to wake me up so I could open my presents. Once I married, my husband didn't want to do that - he was used to Christmas morning presents. We moved to the other coast, and there was no family around, so it was easy to do the Christmas morning thing. I like it better.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? I have enough ornaments for probably 4 or 5 trees! I love Christmas trees! For a few years I did theme trees, but I usually prefer the old favorite ornaments that have been passed down from my parents and that I have collected. Every year I purchase or make a few new ornaments to commemorate that year, and always get a new ornament or two to put away for dear daughter.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love the look of it! Hate shoveling it. Hate the cold.

12. Can you ice skate? Unfortunately, no. I am Uncle Conrads ONLY failure.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Yes, absolutely. Each year, I would receive a brand spanking new box of 64 Crayola crayons. What more could I have wanted?

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Passing traditions on to my daughter.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Cannolis. Buche de Noel. Baqlawa.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? The christmas ornaments that I've collected.

17. What tops your tree? A star with an angel just below it.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? I really wish that presents were not part of Christmas.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? O House of Ephratha; Lo, How a Rose Ere Blooming; O Holy Night; Slava Vishny Bogu (sorry for the butchered spelling!)

20. Candy Canes… yuck or yum? Nice to look at, not to eat.

High School Nostalgia

1) What year was it? 1973

2) What were your three favorite bands? Well, these are who I was listening to: Mama's and the Papas, though they were over by then. Crosby, Stills and Nash. Carly Simon. Beatles. Bette Midler.

3) What was your favorite outfit? Jeans, very very tight hip hugger jeans, well washed, soft and faded. Very very tight tee shirt - any color - as long as it was tight. wide leather belt. orange workmen's boots. Red lipstick. My mother's persian lamb car coat from the 1940s.

4) What was up with your hair? Nothing. My hair does not now and did not then, do "up". It was long, straight and parted in the middle like every other lemming.

5) Who were your best friends? Keith Restaino, Donna Ricci, Frank Cavignano, Bob Gallant -- the band and AEPC kids mostly.

6) What did you do after school? If I wasn't practicing for band or the play, and if I wasn't harrassing polluters with the anti environmental pollution committee, then I was hanging out with my friends

7) Where did you work? Every summer I worked for my parents at Clearwater Inn, but during the school year, I worked on and off at Grants, a local five and dime.

8) Did you take the bus? No, I walked to school, most of the time alone. But I never walked home alone.

9) Who did you have a crush on? My really secret crush was Frank Cavignano, but I never let him know because he was hung up on Donna, and they were both my best friends.

10) Did you fight with your parents? A little - everyone does - but it wasn't major.

11) Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on? Tom Jones and Omar Sharif.

12) Did you smoke cigarettes? I smoked my first cigarette with my cousin Lynne. She taught me how when we were 15.

13) Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day because you were too nervous to find your locker? I was never nervous about my locker. I never lugged books in a backpack, either - no one used a backpack, that's how long ago it was! The first week of school each year, I would clip an extra copy of all my textbooks from the storeroom and keep them at home so I never had to carry any books. I'm not stoopid!

14) Did you have a "clique"?Ah, yes. Several. There was the band/AEPC click, and the drama clique, and the smart kids clique. I hung around with everyone - I had entrance into all the groups that I want to be in.

15) Admit it, were you popular? Yes.

16) Who did you want to be just like? My grandmother, Josephine Cieri.

17) What did you want to be when you grew up? An artist or musician and eventually, a mother.

Envy

from Saint Cyprian's Writings:

You who are envious, let me tell you that however often you may seek for the opportunity of injuring him whom you hate, you will never be able to do him so much harm as you do harm to yourselves. He whom you would punish through the malice of your envy, may probably escape, but you will never be able to fly from yourselves. Wherever you may be your adversary is with you, your sin rankles within. It must be a self-willed evil to persecute a person whom God has taken under the protection of His grace; it becomes an irremedial sin to hate a man whom God wishes to make happy. Envy is as prolific as it is hurtful; it is the root of all evil, the source of endless disorder and misery, the cause of most sins that are committed. Envy gives birth to hatred and animosity. From it avarice is begotten, for it sees with an evil eye honors and emoluments heaped upon a stranger, and thinks that such honors should have been, by right, bestowed upon himself. From envy comes contempt of God, and of the salutary precepts of our Savior. The envious man is cruel, proud, unfaithful, impatient, and quarrelsome; and, what is strange, when this vice gains the mastery, he is no longer master of himself, and he is unable to correct his many faults. If the bond of peace is broken, if the rights of fraternal charity are violated, if truth is altered or disguised, it is often envy that hurries him on to crime. What happiness can such a man enjoy in this world? To be envious or jealous of another, because such a one is virtuous and happy, is to hate in him the graces and blessings God has showered down upon him. Does he not punish himself when he sees the success and welfare of others? Does he not draw down upon himself tortures from which there is no respite? Are not his thoughts, his mind, constantly on the rack? He pitilessly punishes himself, and, in his heart, performs the same cruel office which Divine Justice reserves for the chastisement of the greatest criminal.

Thanksgiving

I recently read Fr. Alexander Schmemann's journals. He delivered his last sermon on Thanksgiving Day, 1983 and here it is. It is moving and deep in its simplicity.

Thank You, O Lord!

Everyone capable of thanksgiving is capable of salvation and eternal joy.

Thank You, O Lord, for having accepted this Eucharist, which we offered to the Holy Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and which filled our hearts with the joy, peace and righteousness of the Holy Spirit.

Thank You, O Lord, for having revealed Yourself unto us and given us the foretaste of Your Kingdom.

Thank You, O Lord, for having united us to one another in serving You and Your Holy Church.

Thank You, O Lord, for having helped us to overcome all difficulties, tensions, passions, temptations and restored peace, mutual love and joy in sharing the communion of the Holy Spirit.

Thank You, O Lord, for the sufferings You bestowed upon us, for they are purifying us from selfishness and reminding us of the "one thing needed;" Your eternal Kingdom.

Thank You, O Lord, for having given us this country where we are free to Worship You.

Thank You, O Lord, for this school, where the name of God is proclaimed.

Thank You, O Lord, for our families: husbands, wives and, especially, children who teach us how to celebrate Your holy Name in joy, movement and holy noise.

Thank You, O Lord, for everyone and everything.

Great are You, O Lord, and marvelous are Your deeds, and no word is sufficient to celebrate Your miracles.

Lord, it is good to be here!

Amen.

One Word

Got this from Philippa.

One word, and only one word, so here goes!

Yourself: Contemplative
Your partner: None
Your hair: Gray
Your Mother: Strong
Your Father: True
Your Favorite Item: photos
Your dream last night: None
Your Favorite Drink: water
Your Dream Car: paid
Your Dream Home: large
The Room You Are In: Office
Your Ex: Ex
Your fear: Hell
Where you Want to be in Ten Years? Home
Who you hung out with last night: Priest
What You're Not: hypocritical
Muffins: cranberry
One of Your Wish List Items: boards
Time: Lacking
The Last Thing You Did: dinner
What You Are Wearing: jeans
Your favorite weather: brisk
Your Favorite Book: Psalter
Last thing you ate: Thanksgiving
Your Life: drama-less
Your mood: Hopeful
Your Best Friends: Precious
What are you thinking about right now: mother
Your car: Red
What are you doing at the moment: Blogging
Your summer: sweaty
Relationship status: divorced
What is on your tv: Nothing
What is the weather like: cool
When is the last time you laughed: today

How 'bout you?

Thnigs I've Done

Things I've Done...
...are in italic type. Swiped this from Meg, who swiped it from Philippa.

What have you done? Or not, as the case may be?

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you’ and meant it!
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s nappy
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Drunk champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse.
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Scored a winning goal
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment (its a dimly remembered moment, but its there)
39. Visited all 5 continents
40. Taken care of someone who was drunk
41. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
42. Watched wild whales
43. Stolen a sign
44. Backpacked
45. Taken a road-trip
46. Gone rock climbing
48. Midnight walk on the beach
49. Gone sky diving
50. Taken a train through Europe
51. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
52. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table, and had a meal with them
53. Milked a cow
54. Alphabetized your CDs
55. Sung karaoke
56. Lounged around in bed all day
57. Gone scuba diving
58. Kissed in the rain
59. Gone to a drive-in theatre
60. Started a business
61. Taken a martial arts class
62. Been in a movie
63. Crashed a party
64. Gone without food for 5 days
65. Gotten a tattoo
66. Got flowers for no reason
67. Performed on stage
68. Been to Las Vegas
69. Recorded music
70. Eaten shark
71. Buried one/both of your parents.
72. Been on a cruise ship
73. Spoken more than one language fluently (well, fluently for a 5 year old!)
74. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
75. Walked a famous bridge
76. Had plastic surgery
77. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
78. Wrote articles for a large publication.
77. Tried to lose weight seriously
79. Piloted an airplane
80. Petted a stingray.
81. Broken someone’s heart
82. Broken a bone
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Parasailed
86. Skipped all your school reunions (not, I hasten to add, by choice -- they all took place too far away)
87. Shaved your head
88. Caused a car accident
89. Pretended to be “sick”
90. Swam in the Pacific Ocean
91. Saved someone’s life.
92. Fainted
93. Been in the room while someone is giving birth (and it wasn't even me!)
94. Hitchhiked
95. Adopted a child
96. Been caught daydreaming
97. Been to the Painted Desert
98. Called off a wedding engagement
99. Donated your blood
100. Become a follower of Jesus Christ

Anger by St. John Chrysostom

Anger is a strong fire, consuming all things in its path; it wastes thebody and corrupts the soul, and renders a man base and odious to look upon. And if it were possible for the angry man to see himself at the time of his anger, he would not need any other admonition, for there is nothing less pleasing than an angry countenance. Anger is an intoxicant and more wretched than a demon.

St. John Chrysostom

Becoming Myself

”As life goes on it becomes tiring to keep up the character you invented for yourself, and so you relapse into individuality and become more like yourself every day. This is sometimes disconcerting for those around you, but a great relief to the person concerned.” -Agatha Christie

I was struck when I read this quote by Agatha Christie. Its so true! I thought about how I have been decluttering my life and me this past year, and how the process has allowed me to be more authentic, more honest in my relationships, more able to focus on what is truly needful. Agatha is right, though - it *is* disconcerting to those around you. When you go through these kinds of changes, the pot gets stirred and the old ways of relating to others get redefined.

I've pruned away lots of dead wood and I'm hoping that lots of new growth will occur now, but as an Orthodox Christian, I understand Agatha's quote in terms of my belief as well. It does, indeed, become tiring to keep up the facade. Its like the plate spinner on the Ed Sullivan Show. when I was a kid. It was simply amazing, how many plates he could keep spinning on the end of a stick! And man, did he work - running back and forth, with not one second to take his eyes off the plates. By the end of his 5 minute spot, he was totally spent. That's how I've felt for a long time - too many plates to keep spinning, and no time for what is truly important and fruitful. Too many people in my life, all with their own agendas, sometimes working at cross purposes with each other and with me. No time to think. No time to figure out how I got from way over there to way over here. No time to organize and regroup. Its exhausting.

In some ways, now that I've begun decluttering, I am becoming more myself. More the me I understand myself to be. I love that. I hate it, too, mostly because the me that I know is so flawed. But shouldn't we all become more like Christ instead of ourselves? Isn't that the flaw in Agatha's reasoning? Of course this theosis would also be disconcerting, no question about that, because every time someone meets God and allows Him to shine some light into a corner of his soul, the rest looks even darker in comparison. I'm finding that the relief I feel is more about what *isn't* there any longer than about what *is* there. Surely that can't be "right"!

But I have to confess that putting down some of what I've been carrying is definitely a relief. It has freed up so much more than just time! My emotional life and my spiritual life have improved so much. I'm not as distracted during prayer as I was. I no longer second guess myself about everything, trying to figure out in advance how everything will "play". Not that I don't still do that to some extent - its good manners after all - but my major problems with that have disappeared. And I am GREATLY relieved. Last weekend, I had the energy and the time to spend with a dear friend who got some bad news about a tumor she has behind her eye. Had this happened just a few months ago, I would have been emotionally incapable of providing support to my friend, and I wouldn't have had the physical energy, either. Now, though, I was able to do what was needful last weekend and help my dear friend when she needed my help. Yay!

God is good!

You Hurt My Feelings!

Once again, Fr. Joseph Huneycutt posted something that resonated deeply with me. I needed to read this, and read it with that detached self-understanding that I blogged about recently. I'm going to cut and paste this here so that I won't lose it and can read it again when I need reminding. This is Orthodixie's September 17th blog entry.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Remembrance of wrongs is the consummation of anger, the keeper of sins, hatred of righteousness, ruin of virtues, poison of the soul, worm of the mind, shame of prayer, cessation of supplication, estrangement of love, a nail stuck in the soul, pleasureless feeling cherished in the sweetness of bitterness, continuous sin, unsleeping transgression, hourly malice.– John Climacus, Ladder of Divine Ascent (LDA), p.87.

Whenever we become obsessed by some past event in which we perceive that we have been wronged, we give the devil ample opportunity to lead us toward greater temptation. We forget that our warfare is not with each other! We are to engage in spiritual warfare against the Enemy of our salvation and his willing hosts, the demons. When we remember wrongs we fall prey to the Father of Lies and engage in combat with our fellow brothers and sisters.

St John of Kronstadt writes:“The Devil cunningly induces us – instead of irritating us against himself – to notice our neighbors' sins, to make us spiteful and angry with others, and to awaken our contempt towards them, thus keeping us in enmity with our neighbors, and with the Lord God Himself. Therefore, we must despise the sins, the faults themselves, and not our brother who commits them at the Devil’s instigation, through infirmity and habit; we must pity him, and gently and lovingly instruct him, as one who forgets himself, or who is sick, as a prisoner and the slave of his sin. But our animosity, our anger towards the sinner only increases his sickness, oblivion, and spiritual bondage, instead of lessening them; besides this, it make us ourselves like madmen, or sick men, the prisoners of our own passions, and of the Devil, who is the author of them” [My Life in Christ (MLC), p.166].

The victory over this plague, remembrance of wrongs, is true repentance and a sincere struggle to love.

“The forgetting of wrongs is a sign of true repentance. But he who dwells on them and thinks that he is repenting is like a man who thinks he is running while he is really sleeping” [LDA, p.89].

“He who has obtained love has banished revenge; but he who nurses enmities stores up for himself untimely labours” [LDA, p.87].

How true! We can expend a great amount of energy in being, and remaining, mad at someone. Nursing enmities gives birth to sleeplessness, mental and emotional preoccupation, thoughts of evil, and worse. True love, God-pleasing love, bears the sweet fruits of repentance, forgiveness, compassion, and charity.

"True love willingly bears privations, troubles, and labours; endures offenses, humiliations, defeats, sins, and injustices, if they do not harm others; bears patiently and meekly the baseness and malice of others, leaving judgment to the all-seeing God, the righteous Judge, and praying that He may teach those who are darkened by senseless passions” [MLC, p.236] .

May we be vigilant in our repentance, our forgetting of wrongs and “hurt feelings.” Let us put aside our weapons used for mutual destruction and embrace the Love that is Christ in order to do God-pleasing warfare with the Enemy of our salvation.

Theosis

"Christians should judge no one, neither an open harlot, nor sinners, nor dissolute people, but should look upon all with simplicity of soul and a pure eye. Purity of heart, indeed, consists in seeing sinful and weak men and having compassion for them and being merciful. "

Abba Macarius the Great.

"Practice self-observation. And if you want to benefit yourself and your fellow men, look at your own faults and not those of others. The Lord tells us: 'Judge not, that ye be not judged,' condemn not that ye be not condemned. And the Apostle Paul says: 'Who art thou that judgest another man's servant?'"

St. Arsenios of Paros, Modern Orthodox Saints, Vol. 6

These words really hit me today. We all need to read these words with understanding and apply them to ourselves. Practicing self-observation is difficult. It requires us to put away our emotions, no matter how strong they are, step outside them and dispassionately considering the truth of our life. It requires us to seriously consider what those who love us tell us about ourselves. If what we believe to be true about ourselves constantly conflicts with what people who love us and want the best for us tell us, we owe it to ourselves to seriously consider the truth being told to us.

My spiritual father sometimes tells me things that are difficult to hear because he describes a person that I simply do not want to be. But, I owe it to myself, to him, and to those in my community, to step outside of my emotions and seriously consider what he tells me. When I was young, I couldn't do that, but as I matured, I became more able to do this, though there are times when it is very difficult. But I know that he has my best interests at heart, and that he loves me enough to tell me the truth. What a gift he is! I owe it to him to try to see things his way, instead of stubbornly clinging to my idealized ideas about myself. I've learned a lot by doing this.... I've been able to begin the process of decluttering myself, in a manner of speaking, and not just myself, but get rid of the useless or unprofitable flotsam and jetsam accumulated over 51 years of living.

Sometimes I think of what a sculptor friend told me years ago. He said that the work of art, the final sculpture, exists within the stone and has since the earth was created. Its his job, as the sculptor, to remove everything that is not the work of art. What is left is what God had intended the stone to be. Isn't this the perfect metaphor for the spiritual struggle we are all engaged in?

It difficult, this weeding away of that which is not necessary. Sometimes unprofitable things and habits and even people have to be chipped out.

But the end result will be beautiful.

Thanks to Orthodox Pilgrim http://www.xanga.com/OrthodoxPilgrim for the quotes.

The trap of "Romantic Orthodoxy"

Interesting & thought-provoking posting in Rod Dreher's blog found at:

(http://www.beliefnet.com/blogs/crunchycon/2006/08/trap-of-romantic-orthodoxy.html)

I just finished reading Fr. Schmemman's journal, and this quote can be found on page 276. Rod (and Fr. Alexander) give much food for thought. Here is Rod's post:

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The trap of "Romantic Orthodoxy"

In a journal entry from Nov. 1, 1980, Father Alexander Schmemann,
the renowned Orthodox priest, discerned a problem with what he
called "Romantic Orthodoxy", which can be distinguished by the
following characteristics:

"+ nominalism (e.g., non-existing Patriarchates)
+ blind liturgical conservatism
+ cult of the past
+ theological preoccupation almost exclusively with the Fathers
+ "apocalypticism"
+ hatred for the contemporary world (not for this world in general)
+ emotionalism
+ cult of externals (beard, cassocks, prayer ropes, style)"

"In other words," wrote Schmemann, "it includes all that makes
Orthodoxy weak, that makes it into an internal ghetto (and not an
appeal, a fight, life). Romanticism, in life and in culture, is, above all,
a dream, the primacy of the heart over discernment and truth. It pushes
reality away for the sake of an imagined reality; it is belief in illusions."

Father Schmemann, of course, was talking specifically about the
Orthodox church, but there is wisdom there for all of us who hold on
to small-o orthodox religion, in whatever tradition. My experience is
almost wholly limited to the Catholic Church, but there are some good
general principles in this for the small-o orthodox to watch out for. We
live in a time of such chaos within the churches that it's easy for the
orthodox to substitute slavish adherence to ritual and Henny-Pennyism
(i.e., "The sky is falling!") for authentic spirituality. For me -- and this
is something I would have added to Fr. Schmemann's list -- a particular
temptation has been to get caught up in Church politics, and to allow
"churchiness" to occupy much of the attention that ought to have been
going to advancing on the path to holiness. There was a time not all
that long ago when I imagined that being preoccupied with the
advances and retreats of the forces of Catholic orthodoxy was the same
thing as being and becoming a good Catholic Christian.

The "cult of the past" is a particular temptation too for us tradition-
minded Christians. It's very easy to look around at the loosey-goosey
religion promulgated by Father Frootloop and Sister Stretchpants (and
their dopplegangers in other churches and traditions) and to idealize
the 1950s, when the Church was rock-solid. But that solidity must
have been a Potemkin village at some level, or things wouldn't have
fallen apart so quickly in the 1960s, which is the decade we love
(appropriately, I hasten to add) to demonize. Could it be that in that
decade, very large numbers of people were going through the motions,
but the living faith itself never touched their hearts?

A few years ago I was in the Netherlands talking with a professor
about the collapse of the Church and cultural conservatism in Holland.
He said that when the Second World War ended, people returned to the
social forms that had existed prior to the war. But those forms had
been hollowed out by the trauma of the war. When the first gusts from
the counterculture blew through the Netherlands in the early 1960s, it
all went down like a house of cards. I wonder, then, if the Dutch
churches in the immediate postwar period were caught up in a "cult of
externals," mistaking the form of corporate worship and personal piety
for actual faith -- and so they didn't see the internal weakness
developing.

It Isn't the Church ... It's You!

It Isn't the Church ... It's You!

If you want to have the kind of a church
Like the kind of a church you like,
You needn't slip your clothes in a grip
And start on a long, long hike.

You'll only find what you left behind,
For there's nothing really new.
It's a knock at yourself when you knock your church;
It isn't the church -- it's you.

When everything seems to be going wrong,
And trouble seems everywhere brewing;
When prayer meeting, Young People's meeting, and all,
Seem simmering slowly -- stewing,
Just take a look at yourself and say,
"What's the use in being blue?"
Are you doing your "bit" to make things "hit"?
It isn't the church -- it's you.

It's really strange sometimes, don't you know,
That things go as well as they do,
When we think of the little -- the very small mite --
We add to the work of the few.
We sit, and stand around, and complain of what's done,
And do very little but fuss.
Are we bearing our share of the burdens to bear?
It isn't the church -- it's us.

So, if you want to have the kind of a church
Like the kind of a church you like,
Put off your guile, and put on your best smile,
And hike, my brother, just hike,
To the work in hand that has to be done --
The work of saving the few.
It isn't the church that is wrong, my boy;
It isn't the church -- it's you.

-- Unknown

Taken from The Best Loved Poems of the American People, pp.93-94.

I got this from Fr. Joseph Huneycutt's blog: http://southern-orthodoxy.blogspot.com/

Dear Daughter's I Am From Poem

I am from pasta and lentils, from Barilla and ballet,

I am from B Street, crowded, loving, scented with old wine and new detergent.

I am from the desert, from RV trips that never ended.

I am from common sense and strength, from my mother and her mother and her mother.

I am from tears of joy and sadness, from gardens failed and successful.

I am from "she reminds me of her mother" and my grandmother's hands.

I am from long hours standing in church, from incense, from wheat, wine and oil.

I am from Cape Cod, from granola and the one bite rule.

From watching war movies and trying to knit, from the lentil year and Sarah Morton's Day.

I am from my grandparents' desk, walls of photos, jewelry boxes filled with love and the occasional gem.

From an old steel box and recipes in my grandmother's shaky hand and my mother's elegant one.

I am from a line of women who are always together, even when apart, and the line will continue through me, my cousins and shared food.

I am from.....

I am from Grammies blue gravy pitcher, from maple sugar candy, from hand knitted sweaters and the old Singer sewing machine.

I am from the little house and little street; from quiet libraries and bustling kitchens; from Sunapee, cool, clear and deep.

I am from tomatoes, gardenias, cultured cities, mountains and lakes.

I am from seven fishes on Christmas Eve, from roaring fires and roaring laughter, from Josie and Bea and Judith.

I am from big noses and big hearts, from hard work and perseverance, from strength of character and adventure.

From "I love you" and "grosse fess" and "clean your plate".

I am from morning mass and rosaries worn smooth with use, from Pater noster qui es in coelis and Notre Père qui es aux cieux and Otche nash izhe ye see na nyebyesekh.

I am from New England, from Boston and Lake Sunapee; from Italy and Acadie, from gnocchi and poutine rapee.

From Grammies lost glasses, the old Garland stove, the dock floating away with the ice floes. From Memiere's silent laughter and harmonicas, from whalers and sea captains, plumbers and wanderlust, from Mexico and New Hampshire, from sea to sea.

I am from the memories of my heart, from polaroids and slides, from earrings and knitting needles, from shadow boxes of photos, from love expressed around the dinner table, from wine and peas and raspberry jam.

I am from paint brushes and baritones, french horns and icons, from singing and dancing and laughing, from endless support and love and pride.

I am from generations of strong women, holding hands, stretching backwards and forwards throughout time.