Monday, October 12, 2015

Choir Director Report

Choir Director’s Report
2015
It has been at least 6 or 7 years since I gave my first Choir Director's report, maybe more, and each year they are strikingly similar. I usually tell you that we are still expanding our repertoire to accommodate the gifts of the ever changing roster of singers, that we still need singers, and that music is very important in the Orthodox Church. I always say that singing in the choir is a ministry very similar to the ministry of the Deacon, who is a servant dedicated to leading the people in prayer. That's what the choir does, too. I always thank the choir, the readers and our pastor for their hard work and support throughout the year.
I'm taking a different road this year. This year, I want to talk about worship. We Orthodox are a worshipping people. That is what we do. That is who we are. Other flavors of Christianity focus on bible studies and exegesis, on being personally saved, on social justice and equality. As Orthodox, we worship. We worship privately, alone in our prayer closet, and we worship communally at church. One is not better than the other and both are necessary. That is not to say that we don 't also study the bible, encourage a personal relationship with our Lord, or bless others with the gifts we have received. Of course we do! But what sets us apart is the tradition of our worship, the private worship of the individual and the public worship of the community.
Would it surprise you to learn that the Jews in the time of Jesus had a cyclical structure to their worship which had been in place for 1500 years, and that Orthodox Church echoes that structure? Did you know that St. Basil the Great, in the fourth century, considered the hymn, Gladsome Light, which is sung at vespers, to be very old, and the first “true” hymn of the Christian church. The Apostolic Constitutions, which date from the third century, were, in part, a collection of hymns to be sung at different times of the day as a form of worship – to be SUNG.
Our worship is very old, yet it is ever new. There is a pattern to our worship, a rhythm to the feasts and fasts, the cycles of the eight tones, the reading of the hours of the day, the dedication of each day of the week. As each year passes, and the various cycles are repeated, I find that our worship more deeply reveals our Maker and his actions on earth and in heaven. There is real beauty in the cyclical nature of our worship.
There is an old Orthodox saying which is, to sing once, is to pray twice. We all know that one easy way to learn facts, is to set them to music. Somehow, music enlivens the synapses in our brain and connections are made which allow us to remember things. Important things. The same thing with Orthodox music. The marriage of beautiful words of praise and beautiful music is somehow greater than the sum of the parts. This is the work of the people – not just the work of the choir or the readers or the canonarch. The work of the people, the laos. This is how we worship.
When I was young and newly Orthodox, I read every book and was full of hubris. Some things never change, eh? A very old and saintly man named Aristidi Chacho befriended me, and every Monday we would talk about Fr. John's sermon. I would usually talk my head off and Steve would listen. Finally, one day he said to me, “Denise, you're a nice girl, but you don't know nothing.” I was a little taken aback as you can imagine. He went on, “Don't you know that on.. such and such a day, at matins, we sing...” and then he sang something that was precisely on point in our theological discussion. The elderly, unschooled man, was the greatest theologian, and I believe he was a saint. He could hold his own in theological discussions, and often taught others a thing or two, but with such humility. How did he come to this level of knowledge, of understanding, of living out of the gospel? How did he do that?
It's really quite simple. He spent his life in church. He lived the cycles of worship. His life was attuned to various seasons of our worship. He made the time to attend all the various services – he didn't sing, but he listened. He was a great theologian, a great teacher, and a great man, and he is heaven right now completely mortified. Sorry Steve! But I learned something so precious from him, that I want to share with you:
A life spent in church, worshipping God together with your church family, is the greatest gift.
I'm the choir director, and Fr. James has given me the responsibility for all things musical and all the readers. I can't do this awesome job alone, and I can't even attend every service or rehearsal, and neither can anyone else. However, I am guilty of being tired at the end of work day, and I have work and other obligations that sometimes keep me from fulfilliing my ministry. Just like everyone else. However, this coming year, I am going to take Steve Chacho as my model, and try to do better, try to attend more services. At every service throughout the year, the choir is there, maybe not every member, but the choir is there to assist in the celebration of that service.
Did you know that the liturgical day begins at sunset on Saturday, with Vespers? Did you know that Vespers is full of information and teaching about the saint commemorated on Sunday? Come to vespers and learn.
Orthodox, when trying to define dogma, like to say what it is not. This is called apophatic theology and it's uniquely Eastern in mindset. Orthodoxy is not a religion. It's not a list of things that we believe. It's not social system. It's a life. It's life itself. Spent in church. Singing praises to our Our God.
Thank you for listening to me. Thank you to the choir members, the readers, the Deacon and to Fr. James. Thank you to Xenia, my right hand woman, and to Reader Mark, Kat Broberg and Abby Eller for stepping into the void when I was not there.

Come to church. Come and sing praises to our God, sing praises! Sing praises to our King! Sing praises!

Saturday, August 08, 2015

Bucket Lists

I read often read a blog written by a young man that has pithy thoughts about what constitutes a good quality of life. Today, he was talking about his bucket list and that got me thinking.

What would my bucket list look like?  What are the criteria?

First, I think they should be achievable.  Let's face it, I will never be an astronaut, or an opera singer, or a ballerina, because the basic physical requirements have always been lacking in this old body. Since I'm nearly retirement age without any real financial cushion, the items should be achievable financially, too, That year-long trip around the world with my daughter and besties which would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars will never happen, unless I hit the lottery, and I don't play the lottery, so that is simply not achievable, although more modest travel may be achievable.

Second, I think that the outcome should depend on me and me alone. Somehow, I think my old goal of finding Antonio Banderas naked in the back seat of my car would depend on him cooperating, if you get my drift, and his cooperation is pretty iffy, so that one is getting crossed off my list. Whatever is on my list should really depend on me alone.

I think they should stretch me in some way. To enhance the quality of my life, they should provide me the satisfaction that only comes with a job well done, with doing something that requires some effort, but they should still be achievable. My bucket list shouldn't devolve into a to do list, which is something completely different, at least in my mind. Yes, there are lots of icons I want to paint, sweaters I'm dying to knit, meals I want to cook, home improvements I'm dying to make, but those are part of my to do list, and I know that I can accomplish those.  To be life enhancing, my bucket list needs to provide me with the opportunity to do something new, or rise to a new level of competence, or require some effort.

I'll think some more about the criteria later, but now I'm moving forward to listing a few things that might make my bucket list. I'm nearly sixty. I hope and pray that I will live another 25 years or so.  How do I want to spend those 25 years?  Certainly, how I spent the last 25 years has not born fruit that met my criteria, and the 25 before that were, mostly, exploration.  What do I want to put on my bucket list now?

1. I want to feed my desire to experience new places, new people, new cultures, food and music. To me, this means travel, but my very limited finances will most likely prohibit me from being a world traveler. Maybe I will be able to make one trip that gets me to Europe or the Far East, perhaps to an Orthodox country where I could also study Orthodox music and iconography.  I love to plan, so my first travel goal is to plan this trip and how to make it happen.  The planning alone will be fun.

2. My second travel goal is a more modest one - I love road trips. I can't help it - I'm my father's daughter. I want to obtain a modest rv or trailer that will allow me to travel around the continent in my retirement with my pets, and even provide a full-time home if finances dictate.

3. I want to read the entire Bible at least twice, first, as a work of literature, so that I know all the stories and literary forms. My second pass would be to study it more fully, using the words of the Fathers and other sources so that I understand it with the mind of the Church. Receiving such understanding will surely change my heart in ways I cannot fathom at this point, but I know I'm hungry for such spiritual change.

Other than raising and supporting my daughter, I believe my life's work is as an Orthodox church musician and iconographer. I want to set the bar higher, so that my offerings to the church and the God I love is truly my very best. I think I can do better. I know I can do better.

4. Regarding church music, I need to learn to read enough Slavonic/Russian/Serbian/Greek/Arabic to be able to recognize hymns. This will also assist me in reading iconography texts and identifying saints in icons. I need to improve my musicianship - understanding and applying music theory better will allow me to give better pitches and to set music well. I want to improve my directing - maybe some courses, or better yet, watch and learn from the best choir directors.

5a. Regarding iconography, well, I have wonderful teachers and I want to maintain my very expensive connection with them, and increase it.  I want to maintain my week long iconography camp for the comaraderie and for the shot in the arm that it give me every year, but I also want to study with them one on one. Ksenia offered that to me and I didn't make it happen before she died. I regret that so deeply. Bucket lists are all about having no regrets, and it's important to me that not lose out again, so I want to regularly study with Marek as he has offered to me.  He is such a patient and clear teacher, and I just get a kick out of him, so spending time in his studio with him would be so enjoyable as well as blast me out of the status quo.

5b. I also want to study from time to time with other master iconographers whose work I admire. Dimitry Shkolnik immediately comes to mind, as does Fr. Anthony Salzman, Daniel Neculae and Theodoros Papadopoulos, in addition to studying with my main teachers Marek and Anna.  This year will be my fifth with Marek and Anna, and I realize that a personal style is emerging, and it is less russian than their style.  My style is not truly greek, either, but it is somewhere between the two, and the icons that truly touch me deeply have elements of both styles.  I want to develop and improve as an iconographer, to move beyond copying and tracing, to drawing on the board and letting the saint develop in a more lively  and immediate way.  That relationship of the saint, me and the board is what it's all about. It's time to move beyond tracing and copying.

Well, that's what I came up with this morning. I will revisit my bucket list from time to time to tweak and fine tune it.


Tuesday, July 07, 2015

The Love Letter

I'm watching a sweet romantic comedy called The Love Letter. The premise is that a lonely bookstore owner finds an anonymous love letter and how it affects her and others.  The text of the love letter is this:


Dearest, Do you know how much in love with you I am? Did I trip? Did I stumble - lose my balance, graze my knee, graze my heart? I know I'm in love when I see you. I know when I long to see you, I'm on fire. Not a muscle has moved. Leaves hang unruffled by any breeze. The air is still. I have fallen in love without taking a step. You are all wrong for me and I know it, but I can no longer care for my thoughts unless they are thoughts of you. When I am close to you, I feel your hair brush my cheek when it does not. I look away from you sometimes, then I look back. When I tie my shoes, when I peel an orange, when I drive my car, when I lie down each night without you, I remain,
Yours.

This is not the greatest love letter I've ever read... think Shakespeare's Sonnets, or the drippily sentimental, but still moving, Sonnet 43 from Sonnets from the Portuguese, of "how shall I love thee, let me count the ways" fame.

This little love letter, though, really touches something within me, and awakens some memories that I usually try to keep suppressed. I've truly loved three men in my life. Any one of them could have been forever, but each had a fatal flaw that basically kept them from committing to living in community with anyone.  With me. One, my husband is dead. The other has been lost to time and space, though he did contact me about ten years ago - not truly sure why; maybe he was working a program and needed to make amends, or maybe he was trying to line up the next woman to take care of him.  The third is someone that I see often in my every day life - a beautiful man, who is growing older and is rather needy, but still, has made it clear that he cannot, will not, chooses not to get involved with anyone ever again.

All three were not truly available.  That speaks to something within me, something that I take out of it's box and inspect from time to time, but not tonight.

However, the sweetness of this note from this second rate movie moves me. I am that person. Still. And I am not open to meeting or loving someone else, even though I am lonely, because my heart is caught in a familiar net of longing that will never come true.

Everyone has a need to be known and loved despite their flaws and dark places, to be loved for their true selves. Humans are pack animals - we need and thrive on some degree of companionship. Me too. I'd like to be loved like that, to inspire a letter full of passion and longing.

I will have to be content to say that I've loved like that. Yes, I have.

That's something. Right?

Saturday, June 06, 2015

Endings, Beginnings, and Everything In-Between

I was let a few thousand when my Mom died, and I was determined to not fritter it away, but instead to invest it in some way. I used it as a downpayment on a house which DD and lived in for about four years, and rented the other house out. Long story short - the renter from hell trashed the other house, using up all my dollars to get it fixed, and I had to move back. My lovely new home became a rental. I figured that when I was ready to retire, I could sell one house to pay off the other house, and I could live mortgage free in my old age. Not so. Housing prices crashed, I had run of decent, but semi flaky renters, and ended up putting my lovely little house on the market. Eventually I accepted an offer, and the tragic saga of getting from contract to closing is a tale for a fantasy novel set in a post apocalyptic world.

We closed last night. The proceeds will fund on Monday. I will receive about 10K less than I put down on the house. I'm sad.  I'm sad for a lot of reasons, but one thing keeps nagging at me - my parents were hard working people, children of the Depression, and they scrimped and saved to save a little bit so they would not be a burden on me in their old age, at least financially.  I thought I was doing the same thing, but it didn't turn out the same way.

The sale of this house is, in some ways, the end of an era - the end of my childhood, I think. The worth of that house was, really, my last safety net from my parents, so now I'm walking the tightrope of life without that net.

I am tempted to splurge on a couple of small things with these dollars, but I've decided to fund my safety fund in my savings account, pay for iconography camp in the fall, and take 2K for some desperately needed repairs to my current abode. The rest needs to go elsewhere, to some place where I can't easily transfer a couple of hundred if I run short some month. I'll have to research that.

In figuring what to do with this money, if anything, I've thought about what my priorities are.  I need to feel semi secure that I can pay for surprises that crop up, like new tires, or vet bills.  So, I need to fatten up my savings account, and, decrease spending (OMG WHAT ELSE CAN I POSSIBLY CUT?????) so that I can save a bit every month.  That should allow me to replace whatever gets spent from the savings.  Second, I need to set up a system to fund two expenses every year: iconography camp and plane tickets to SFO to visit DD. Iconography camp, including some spending $$ while there and gas etc., is probably $1500 a year, and the cheapest round trip tickets I've found are around $600.  I need to save around $2100 per year for these two, top priority things each year. I cannot delve into the main stash for these things every year or I will, once again, have nothing. The third priority is still the fact that I am turning 60 on my next birthday and I can reach out and touch retirement. I am hoping to work part time for my current employer when I retire, which should allow me to have a few days a week to spend on my real life.  However, that won't last forever - eventually I will need, or be forced, to stop working.

So many choices to make. I've made so many bad choices in the past - I need to make good financial choices this time around. I need to maintain and grow this little nest egg, while funding the most important priorities in my life.

So, signing my little house away last night - the house that dear daughter and I chose because we loved it - the house that was a new start for us - the house that we ran away to when the old house had too many sad and painful memories - signing that house away was bittersweet, and symbolic. The new family will have a happy life in that happy house.  I am back in my old house, and have been for five years, but the memories don't sting the way they used to. It's fine, living here - I just haven't had the dollars to perform repairs or maintenance the way I need to.  Perhaps I can do some of that now.

It's an ending, but also a beginning.  It's the beginning of my final act, I think. My eyes are on the prize, and I'm starting the last leg of this race.  I really do need to get it right this time. Maybe being very clear about my priorities will help.

Goodbye, 107 Blue Wing Drive! Welcome your new owners! Hello, renewed purpose in life! May I have wisdom and strength to finish the race set before me.

Saturday, May 09, 2015

Mother's Day 2015

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, here in the US, and I'm just not sure what I feel about it.  Tomorrow will be the tenth Mother's Day I have spent without my mother, and the third without my daughter. I'm sure that my daughter will telephone me from her home in that most wonderful of cities, San Francisco, but there are no telephone numbers for the dead. The acuteness of grief for my mother waxes and wanes.  Since my mother died, my father has also died, as well as my husband, and my dearest and oldest girlfriend, so I'm no stranger to grief, or to missing someone I love, but as I've said many times, there is something different when you are separated from your mother. There is something mystical about the relationship of mother and child, and when that bond is broken, there is an unfillable hole deep in your gut.

So, I've filled that hole with a lot of things - with food (I am now very, very fat), with laziness, with knitting, with painting, with busyness.  I've filled that hole with everything and anything, and it remains, ten years after the fact.

I'm reminded of a series of photos my Dad took of me when I was a chubby toddler at the Inn. I was in my ruched blue bathing suit (which I clearly remember, by the way) with it's matching kerchief, and I was toddling around in the shallow water near the wooden steps on the side of the dock at the Inn.  The water came up to my dimpled knees, and I wanted to sit on the sandy bottom.  The problem was that the sandy bottom was covered by knee-high water.  I thought about it for a while and figured out the solution - I got my bucket and carefully filled it with water, toddled a few steps away and deposited the water somewhere else.  In the lake.  I kept at this for quite a while, but never seemed to make any headway.  The water where I wanted to sit was still knee high, no matter how many bucketfuls of water I carted away. My Dad captured it all in his trusty 35 mm.

I think I need to learn something about my life and my ways of coping from this memory. I work harder and harder. I fill my life with good things, with good people. I am very busy, with lots of plates spinning on their rods. I am very good at time management, and I get so much done - people are amazed - yet, I know deep down that I am lazy. So many things things that others do effortlessly are impossible for me: maintaining an orderly and clean home seems to be a daydream.

I am carrying a bucket of water from place to place and never reaching my goal.  I'm not really sure what my goal even is, anymore.

I'm going to be 60 my next birthday.  I'm not sad or upset about that in any way, but I recognize that the time I have left on earth is getting smaller, and I still haven't gotten this thing called life right yet. I'm still not sure that I'm headed in the right direction. As I look back (do I do too much of that?), I can see that my daughter's cancer 24 years ago was where I started to change directions, and with each loss or tragedy, I moved further along a path that has not brought me satisfaction or contentment. The choices I have made, including about the people that I have trusted with my innermost and most private self, have left me distrustful of my ability to make choices.  So I don't make any. I play on FaceBook instead. I am far too busy with ever so many Very Important Things to properly research each and every possibility to make any choices, so I don't.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, the tenth without my mother, who truly was able to hold a loving mirror to me and gently, but clearly, let me know when I was off base.  I so miss your wisdom, Mom.  I know that I am off base, but I don't know exactly where I am, or where I need to be.  I'm just carrying buckets of water, and it is exhausting.

On the other hand, I am also a mother, and my daughter has been through so much in her short life. She is now in a good place, and I'm thankful. I hope that as time moves forward, I will be the kind of mother to her that my mother was to me.  Whether I succeed or fail at that, is immaterial in a way, because I will love her, no matter what. Hopefully, she will always know that, deep in her bones, and that is what I'm holding onto this Mother's Day of 2015.

Friday, April 24, 2015

What's in a Name Day?

We Orthodox are pretty big on naming our children for saints, and celebrating the child's feast day every year.  Yesterday was St. George Day, the feast day of my late husband, his father and both his brothers, as well as my dearly loved cousin.  I prayed for them in particular yesterday, though I pray for all of them every day, and I prayed that St. George the Great Martyr would have mercy on them and intercede on their behalf to our Lord.

When we first married, we didn't do a lot with name days, mostly because I didn't make it happen.  I knew my middle name was Marie and that my mother had named me for the Virgin Mary, but I really didn't know when her feast day was.  As I began to grow in faith and cycled through several church years, I found that there were multiple days dedicated to the Mother of God, and all I had to do was to choose one.  So I did.  I chose the Annunciation which had great personal resonance and meaning for me.  Jerry already knew about his patron, Saint George, and all that was left was to figure out how to celebrate our saint days.

When it was just the two of us, we mostly ate a festive meal chosen by the honoree and wished each other a happy Name Day, but when my parents came to stay for lengthy periods, it seemed more fun to make them feel more special on their special day.  I bought a fire engine red dinner plate and painted, "You Are Special" around the rim. We used this plate to honor name days, birthdays, anniversaries, as well as good doctor visits, no cavities, and anything else that deserved celebration. The honoree still got to choose the dinner, and that is how I ended up making poutine rapee for my Dad one year. He didn't think I could make it, but I did, and they were delicious. (For those who are not Acadian French, poutine rapee are basically snowball sized dumplings made of rasped potatoes with a bacon and salt pork center.  They are boiled, served hot, and eaten with sugar, molasses or maple syrup.  Hey, don't knock it till you've tried it!)  My Dad loved them and ate them often as a child in Canada, so I made them. Somewhere, I have photo of his happily surprised face when I brought out a platter piled high! Moment's like that are priceless.

I tried to learn about the saints, to get to know them better. As an iconographer, I find the lives of saints endlessly fascinating and inspiring, so this was not a chore.  When our baby came into our lives, we wanted to raise her with a sense of the various cycles of the church year, and so we spent a lot of time teaching her about saints and name days and a lot of what we tend to call traditions with a little "t".  This built up a sense of anticipation in her, and honestly, her childlike wonder and excitement was infectious!  We celebrated everyone's name day: Jerry's patron is St. George, mine is the Theotokos and the Annunciation, Elizabeth's is St. Elizabeth the mother of John the Baptist, my mother's is St. Helen the Equal to the Apostles and my father's is St. Joseph the Betrothed. My child grew up praying to her patron saint to protect her and intercede to Christ on her behalf. She prayed to St. Elizabeth and St. Helen, both.  As time went on, it became apparent that St. John of San Francisco had a special relationship with her, that he chose her, really, so we celebrated his day as well.

I think that St. John of San Francisco is responsible for many miracles, big and small, in our family, and in the life of my daughter, in particular.  Just last summer, she and I were discussing whether we should acknowledge him as the patron of our family.  This is a Serbian custom - the family Slava. In Serbia, many people are not named after a saint and do not have an individual patron saint, but the entire family has a patron saint which is celebrated from generation to generation. The saint is usually the saint of the day on which the family became Orthodox Christians. Christianity came to Serbia in the first century, and Orthodox Christianity became the official religion in the 800s.  That's a lot of celebrating!

My Serbian friend, Ariane posts pictures of her Slava on Facebook every year. Her brother comes to visit, her husband stays home from work, her kids and her mother are there.  They cook fabulous, traditional Serbian food for days, and invite the Serbian priest to celebrate the traditional liturgical service, which includes the rotating and breaking of the slava bread in the presence of the icon of the patron saint. She has little kids and they are growing up with a richness of faith and a rootedness in tradition and culture that will serve them well when they grow up and question everything. Those memories will be in their bones, and that's what will bring them back, as it brought my daughter back.  Those memories -- and the prayers of their beloved and close friends, their heavenly patron saints.

Parents of young ones, celebrate your child's name day! Make a big deal of it! Make sure your child learns all about his or her patron saint. Hold that saint up as a model of holiness to be emulated. Take your child to church on his name day.  Have the priest and people sing Many Years for your child on his name day. Plan ahead - think about the traditions you want to build and then be consistent from year to year.

As the parent of a child who went through years of questioning, but who found that the call of the church to her could not be denied, and she returned, I can tell you that what you do in your home while your children are little affects them as adults and informs many of their choices later in life.  It's hard to fit in another family celebration in between all the meetings and soccer games and dance lessons, I know, but trust me when I say that you will not be sorry in the long run.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

What's in a Name Day, indeed!

Saturday, April 18, 2015

More about Time, Habits and Procrastination.

This is Saturday, my day off. I have no work to do, but I do have lots of housework that needs doing, as well as knitting and iconography. Instead of doing anything useful, I'm on my computer, playing on Facebook. Facebook, all social media, really, has become a time sucking habit for me, another way of procrastinating.

I know that procrastinating is a sign of a deeper issue - psychologically speaking, I procrastinate for several possible, rather passive-aggressive, reasons: I don't want, or fear, to do something, so I do something else instead.  I value my short term pleasure more than my long term goal achievement. I fear failure, so I don't even begin.  When procrastination becomes a habit, a veritable way of life, then there must be a deeper reason why I have to drag myself kicking and screaming to do some very basic chores, or to get ready for work.  As I turn this over in my mind, I wonder if this is the scenario: I procrastinate on doing chores because a well kept house would clear my mind.  Part of the clutter in my house resides in my brain as clutter. If my brain was free, then I'd have to consider why I procrastinate about doing the more soul satisfying things, like painting icons, reading, and praying.

That's it!  That is the underlying issue - iconography.

My teacher, Marek, has a student who made tee shirts which says, "Iconography is Hard Work!" and it's true.  It is actually physically difficult and at the end of a long day of painting, there are knotted neck and shoulder muscles, and physical exhaustion. It is also mentally and emotionally hard work, with the intense focus needed. That focus cannot be maintained when there are many undone tasks nagging at your consciousness.

But it is the spiritual work of iconography that is hardest of all.  When painting, or writing, if you will, an icon, the iconographer meets that saint in a very intimate way.  You are confronted with holiness which inspires and also convicts. A completed icon is often called a window to heaven, a way of piercing that veil between the seen and unseen, between this world and the next.  To this iconographer, though, an icon in progress is more of a mirror, forcing me to confront my own sinfulness and inadequacies.  My interior life, the lies I tell myself, are reflected back to me on the board, and I have no choice but to deal with them.  It is so much more than a method of painting. It forces me to look upon that which is the eternal good, and I'm convicted. In the board and the slow reveal of the saint, I am also revealed.  It is a mirror and I look upon myself, my true self, with every wart that I usually convince myself is not really there.

Iconography is, indeed, hard work, and I've put it off for too long.  Forget the housework.  I'm spending this afternoon letting an icon in progress teach me something about myself, even if it hurts.

Friday, April 10, 2015

When Time Stands Still

Today is Holy Friday in the Orthodox Church. Christ's passion has begun, and he is hanging on the cross, or tree, as we sing. At 3pm, we will begin the solemn vespers where he will be taken from the cross and entombed.  Tonight, we will sing lamentations at his tomb.  The curtain of temple is rent in two, the earth quakes.  We sing all these things in the present tense.  We do not not think of our worship as a cultural memory, or something we do as a remembrance, we participate with Christ in his voluntary passion.  We suffer with him, we are the wise thief on his right hand, we enter the tomb with him, all in the hope that we will enter the Resurrection with him.  The Orthodox idea of time is not linear.  It's more like dropping a pebble into a pond - all the circles at once, never ending circles, but still. Time stands still, and at the same time, it rushes all around - all of it, at the same time.  It's a mystery.

Another Great Lent has ended.  Another Holy Week - my 17th as choir director here. I look back on other Great Lents - how many has it been? 39, I think.... since 1976 when I began this Orthodox journey. Last Sunday was my 39th Palm Sunday and tomorrow night will be my 39th Pascha.  Has this journey changed me at all?  39 years is a long time - enough time to have rubbed some of my rough places smooth, enough time to have grown a tiny bit in wisdom, in love, in charity.  Enough time to have let go of one or two ugly things and grasped a firm hold of the beautiful.  Not enough time to have become who I was created to be. Not enough time to reach that point where I can see God in every person.  Not enough time run joyfully forward towards my creator.  Not enough time to understand the inner workings and belchings of my heart. Not enough time to learn self discipline in my prayer life. Not enough time to move from judging others and judging only myself.

I will be 60 on my next birthday. I guess I'm a grown up now. I've buried both my parents and my husband. I live far from my daughter and we have developed a healthy separation as well as a healthy need for each other.  It is not a dysfunctional relationship any longer and I'm grateful. I live far from all my family, and although I miss them, and miss my parents most of all. I am on a high trapeze without a net, without anyone else to rely on, other than myself.  And that is the crux of the problem.

Time has stood still and I take stock. I find myself curiously dispassionate about myself and my greatest sin - that of holding fast to myself.  If both of my hands are full of me, how can I grasp that hand that is outstretched toward me?  How can I grasp that hand outstretched on the Cross?  I don't know how to let go of myself.

That's what I'll pray for today, as we sing the mesmerizing Noble Joseph.

Saturday, October 05, 2013

WIP Wednesday - Carnaby Skirt

I don't want to talk about the Owls sweater except to say that although DD is quite slim, the sweater is slimmer, and the two will not ever cohabitate space.  I have a week of what I euphemistically call "iconography camp" coming up in 10 days, and I will bring said owl sweater to unravel, wind, and begin the body AGAIN.  Since there is no tv or anything like that, and since the days are spent in intense and prayerful painting, we tend to socialize with each other in the evenings to relax a bit before bed, and knitting is an aid to relaxation.  The body is simple stockinette, so as long as I get the guage right and I am knitting the correct size (OMG, why is this so difficult with this particular sweater?????), it's pretty brainless knitting, perfect for evenings spent chatting with friends. Third time is the charm, right?

So, I have put the owls away for now and have begun DD's Christmas present, the Carnaby Skirt by Nikol Lohr.  Have I ever disliked one of her designs?  I don't think so, and this one is no different.  I really adore it and so does DD and everyone I've shown the pattern to.  I think I may even make a great big one, much longer, for myself.  Maybe not - what a LOT of knitting that would be!




This skirt is really cute and gives a pleated effect by alternating rectangular panels of a small checkerboard pattern with triangular panels of stockinette, and is knit side-to-side so the sizing possibilities are endlessly adjustable.  If you like it longer just add more stitches at cast-on.  It's a very simple, but very clever and stylish design, just as all Nikol Lohr's designs are.  This is maybe the third that I've knitted of hers.

I started this on September 24th, one week ago, and I love it so far!


Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Work in Progress Wednesday-OWLS

I have a love-hate relationship with this sweater.  Dear Daughter showed me a photo and requested it for Christmas - LAST Christmas.  Yes, that's right, Christmas of 2012.  I found the pattern on Ravelry (Owls by Kate Davies), and purchased it.  I measured her myself.  I could not find acrylic yarn in teal, the color that she wanted, so I used a double strand of worsted and played around until I got guage.  Then I got going - it is knit in the round from the bottom up, so it's a seamless garment.  Got to the armpits and then through both sleeves without any difficulty.  I did lengthen the sleeves like she wanted, joined them to the body, and got to work on the cute little cable owls.  She came home for Christmas, just as I was ready to do the neckline ribbing and tried it on.  It was perfect.  The hips were perfect, the front, the sleeves - everything she wanted.  The back, was gigantic - probably 8 inches too big.  We were both crushed.

After a suitable period of mourning, like two months, I took sweater out and considered how to fix the problem.  I was nonplussed.  If it was knitted in pieces, I would simply reknit the back.  If it did not have the cabled owl pattern, perhaps I could cut an 8 inch wide wedge of knitting out and sew it back up - if I was brave enough, that is, and I wasn't brave enough.  So, I ripped everything out except the sleeves and started over again, but not before I checked the guage of the poor, giant sweater - and it was off.  How could that be?  I knitted several swatches until I got perfect guage.  By this time, Dear Daughter had moved to the other coast, and I asked her to measure herself, since she had been eating healthily and exercising like a fiend, and had dropped a size or two.  Armed with the new measurements and a smaller, newly correct guage, I decided to drop one size and got to work.  I kept checking my guage throughout, and it is perfect.  I'm nearly done - I'm halfway through the owls.  But as I was laying it out to photograph it this morning, it looked quite small to me...   Yup.  The hips are 31 instead of 34, and the body seems short.  I don't have the heart or the time this morning to measure it.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Elevens

If you have been a longtime reader of my blog, you know that I was obsessed with memes for quite a while.  I am falling off the meme wagon for this one.  Just. Because.

11 things I like to eat:
1. Lobstuh swimming in lemon buttah
2. Steamuz, with juice, of course!
3. Fried clams from Kellys, with bellies, of course!
4. My Grammie's Sunday gravy with roast pork, meatballs, sausage and bracciole over her tagliatelle
5. Prime rib with horseradish
6. Pot stickers
7. Kibbe laban the way my mother-in-law used to make it
8. Thai Drunken Noodles.  OMG.
9. Pate with bacon on top.  OMG
10. Creme Caramel
11. Cannolis

11 things I don't like to eat:
1. Pickled herring in sour cream
2. Banana pudding, southern style.  Blech.
3. Anything with chunks of anchovies, but when they melt into the food, they are yummy
4. Anything that looks back at me - like a whole fish or pig
5. Pink duck breast - poultry really needs to be cooked, KWIM?
6. Boudin sausage
7. Southern style sweet tea
8-11 Still thinking...


11 cool places I've visited:
1. Amish Country
2. NYC
3. Old Quebec City
4. San Francisco
5. Morro Bay
6. Santa Barbara
7. Portland - Home of Powell's Books!!!!
8. Boston Public Library
9. Boston Museum of Fine Arts
10. Joy of All Who Sorrow Cathedral in SF
11. top of Mt. Sunapee via chairlift

11 things that make me crazy:
1. Adult picky eaters
2. Bad spelling
3. Bad grammar
4. "Axe" instead of "Ask"
5. Most reality tv.  Make that most tv - we have sunk to the lowest common denominator and call that entertainment.  Argh.
6. The far right politicos who are holding our country hostage
7. Waking up via an alarm before my body is ready
8. People who leave their pets outside 24/7, especially my next-door and across-the-street neighbors
9. People who intrude on other people's space by being too loud - yes, this means cell phone users, stereos blasting, and my across-the-street neighbors who yell to each other when they are only a foot apart at all hours of the day and night
10. Aggressive people who invade your space on the pretext of being "friendly" or "polite" - welcome to Savannah, folks.
11. Hot, sticky, humid weather - can you say, "Savannah"?

11 things that make me happy
1. Waking up without an alarm
2. Quiet
3. My daughter
4. Making music
5. Making icons
6. Weekends
7. Lakes or rivers with a mountain view
8. Autumn leaves
9. Christmas trees, fully loaded, the bigger, the better
10. The moment when you first step into a silent church and smell incense
11. Air conditioning

11 movies I love:
1. The Quiet Man
2. Like Water for Chocolate
3. Moonstruck
4. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
5. Some Like It Hot
6. Godfather I and Godfather II
7. The Sound of Music
8. West Side Story
9. Singing in the Rain
10. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
11. Blade Runner


11 favorite books:
1. Jane Eyre - Bronte
2. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
3. Letters to a Beginner - Abbess Thaisia
4. The Way of the Pilgrim and The Pilgrim Continues His Way
5. Tom Sawyer - Mark Twain
6. Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain
7. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
8. Mountain of Silence - Kyriacos Markides
9. The Red Tent - Anita Diamant
10. Dune - Frank Herbert
11. Stars in My Pocket Like Grains of Sand - Samuel R. Delaney

11 favorite songs:
1. Rachmaninoff's Rejoice O Virgin from vigil
2. Rachmaninoff's Vocalise
3. Glazunov's In the Flesh
4. Carpatho Russian In the Flesh
5. Let My Prayer Arise - Fr. John Platko
6. 2000 Miles - Pretenders
7. Chain Gang - Pretenders
8. I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt version
9. It is Truly Meet - Lapaev
10. Pictures at an Exhibition, especially the Great Gates of Kiev - Mussorgsky/Ravel
11 Mon coeur s'ouvre a ta voix - Saint-Saens

11. favorite artists:
1. John Singer Sargent
2. St. Andrei Rublev
3. Yuri Gashev
4. Anna Gouriev
5. Nikolai Roerich
6. the entire Pre-Raphaelite School
7. Mark Adams
8. Sondra Freckelton
9. Mikhail Nesterov
10. Franklin Booth
11. Dimitry Shkolnik


11 facts about me:
1. I have lived in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Mexico, California and Georgia
2. I'm an iconographer
3. I am an only child, but I have three sisters
4. I love to hang out near the paint chips - I just love to look at colors
5. I truly swam before I walked
6. I often just intuit things that turn out to be spot on
7. I love to research obscure subjects
8. I have to make music and art or I will wither away and my soul will die
9. I often think I know a better way to do things, and I am usually right
10. My spices are in alphabetical order and must remain so
11. If I can't see things, I tend to forget that they exist

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Work in Progress Wednesday

For the last few years, maybe four, I've fallen in love again with knitting, and have posted about it on this blog.  Some of the knitting websites, blogs and Facebook pages that I frequent are full of knitters talking about their many works in progress.  Tonight, I thought I'd take stock of what I have going:
A lace-weight shawl called Japanese Waves

A cowboy sweater for my friend Carla's grandson which is done except for the buttons, but Colt has outgrown it already.  



Cloisonne jacket for me, but I think it will be too big now that I've lost some weight...

Bramble stitch bag in pretty blue and purple.  What's not to love?
This is my second washcloth in cotton.  I forgot to take a picture of the first one completed.  It's for my church's Christmas Boutique 
Tulip Yoke Baby Cardigan that I did in stripes for a baby girl who outgrew it before I even finished it.  I got cute white flower buttons, too!  Maybe another baby girl will come along.

There is another WIP, which is a chunky teal blue sweater knit in the round, with a bodice of owls made by broken cables.  It was her Christmas present in 2012, but it didn't fit her, so I am in process of re-knitting it.

7 isn't too many, is it?  Is it?




Saturday, July 13, 2013

Book Suggestions for Orthodox Newbies

Over on one of the groups I frequent on Facebook, the question was asked what books are recommended for a life-long protestant person who just experienced their first Divine Liturgy.  The answers were, in part, expected, such as The Orthodox Church and the The Orthodox Way, and books by Clark Carlton, but there were a number of books that I haven't read yet.  I confess that my spiritual reading has fallen off a bit in the last decade or so, and I haven't really kept up with what has been published in that time.

When I look back over my Orthodox life, and I can see stages.  When I was 16 years old and searching for God, I found The Orthodox Church by Sergius Bulgakov in the Boston Public Library, quite by chance, and I was hooked.  I now know that God's plan for me was to embark on that journey of theosis, moving toward Him, at that young age.  For the next four or five years, I read what I could find on Orthodoxy, which was not much, and mostly written from a western point of view, but I never experienced Orthodox worship. During my first Liturgy at 20, I fell in love and I have never fallen out of love with Orthodoxy, but I hesitated to leave Roman Catholicism behind and fully  embrace Orthodoxy until I was 24.  Then followed a decade of intense reading of everything I could find, and this mirrored the growth of Orthodox publishers such as Light and Life and St.Vlad's, so there was lots to choose from.  In retrospect, I was still trying to form an Orthodox phronema, and lots of reading served me well. I became a mother in the 10th year of my Orthodoxy, and my focus became my daughter.  Reading deep theological and mystical writings fell away as I dealt with life's joys and tragedies - Oh, I read some, but not the voracious consumption as before.  Each lenten period (there are three each year, for you non-Orthodox), I always chose a book to read, so that was three books a year, plus a few others.  Not much.

After reading the list of recommended books, I see that I am completely out of touch with Orthodox publications today.  So many books that I've never read, and some that I've never even heard of!  I feel the need to compile a list, so here it is, direct from Facebook:

The Truth of Our Faith by Elder Cleopa
The Orthodox Church by Kallistos Ware*
Thirsting for God in a Land of Shallow Wells*
Orthodoxfieldguide.com and FB page of the same name
Let Us Attend! A Journey Through the Orthodox Liturgy by Fr. Lawrence Farley
Divine Energy: The Orthodox Path to Christian Victory by Braun
Becoming Orthodox by Fr. Peter Gilquist*
Partakers of Divine Nature by Archimandrite Christofos Stavropoulos
The Orthodox Way by Kallistos Ware*
Light from the Christian East
The Way of the Ascetics*
The Orthodox Church by Fr. McGuckin
A Place of Healing for the Soul by Peter France
Orthodox Worship: A Living Continuity with the Temple, the Synagogue and the Early Church*
Mountain of Silence by Markides*
Common Ground by Dr. Jordan Bajis
Rainbow Series by Fr. Tom Hopko*

Only 17 books listed so far, and I have read some of them already.  Some are calling my name....   I will update this list as people add more suggestions on FB.

ROUND TWO:
Everyday Saints and Other Stories
The Apostolic Fathers, Fr. Jack Sparks, ed.
Orthodox Christianity by Alfeev
Orthodox Dogmatic Theology by Fr. Michael Pomozansky
Theology and the Church by Fr. Dumitru Staniloae
The Mystery of the Trinity by Fr. Bobrinskoy
On the Incarnation by St. Athanasius
The Philokalia, Volume 2
Orthodox Faith and Life in Christ by St. Justin Popovich
The Life of Antony and the Letter to Marcellinus on the Psalms by St. Athanasius
Divine Energy by Braun


Thursday, May 23, 2013

Upon My Heart

Sometimes I read something so profound that it is incomprehensible to me, and other times, to my great chagrin, I read something that is so very simple, that I cannot get my mind around it.  This journey through life is full of twists and turns, and ups and downs, and through it all, I have clung to the hope that my faith provides, the hope of union and wholeness and joy in the next life.  The difficulty, for me at least, has always been one of ideas  - for a truly authentic Christian life, I can't simply seek to understand intellectually, though that is a good thing in and of itself, but I have to go further, much further and somehow take that intellectual understanding and turn it into being.  This is called theosis, where humans, through their love of God and relationship with Him, become more and more like Him.  This is the sticking point for me.  I just can't seem to get beyond the intellectual part.  So, I am the Apostle Thomas - I can't seem to believe without demonstration in a manner that I can understand.  Yet, Christ says that those who believe without seeing for themselves are blessed.  Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.

Maybe that's why I find the idea of obedience so interesting, at least how it is practiced Orthodox style.  Obedience to God does not require understanding.  It requires acquiesence.  I don't really like the modern negative connotations to the word, submission, so I use acquiesence instead.  You have to willingly allow God to be active in your life, and this requires giving up at least some degree of self-determination.  I am reminded of the rich young man who asks Christ, "What must I do to have eternal life?" and Christ replies, "Sell all that you have and follow Me."  The young man is unwilling to do this, and sadly, he walks away from Christ.  Isn't that me?  Aren't I unwilling to give up my own self-determination and my desire to understand before I can believe? So, I read.  A lot. I read about God.  I pray, too, every single day.  I pray beautiful words written by someone else, someone who knew God.  I pray the Jesus Prayer every single day, using my prayer rope, and each "O Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner" is an arrow I shoot at God, hoping that one of them will hit the target.  I all of this because I am clinging to the idea that if I keep searching in this way, I will find God.  Yet, I have this nagging sense that God cannot be found by my human efforts.  I have this nagging idea that God can only be found by love - if I love Him, He will be more present in a way that I recogize, like Mary Magdalene recognized Christ in the garden.  But, God's presence is not contingent on my recognition of his presence.  He is there whether I "know" it or not.  My issue is how can I love Him when I don't really know Him?  What comes first, the chicken or the egg?

My flopping around in this ocean is exhausting, and sometimes I think that I might be happiest if I ran away from it all to a monastery, where I can focus better, and where I will be forced to deal with my will.  I think about it, more since my life blew up a couple of years ago.  I realized then that there was no one relationship in my life that was necessary to my well being except the relationship I have with God.  Trouble is, that is a non-relationship in some ways.   Yet, there is an element of running away in my desire to go to the monastery.  It is easy to run away from my life in the world, but I cannot run away from me.  I am common denominator in all my problems, and I will be in the monastery, too.  So, I wait.  It is a trial for Mother Thecla, who wishes that I would hurry up and get there already, and that breaks my heart.  But I wait because I am unsure.  I don't want to walk away like the rich young man, so I stay rooted where I am instead, until something happens.  I don't know what, just something that points to direction my life should take.  I am desperately trying to keep my deep dissatisfaction with my work life out of the equation, so I wait.

I read this today, and it is so simple and so profound that I wanted to keep it where I can read it often because I need this reminder.  I don't read the Bible every day, and maybe that is the crux of my non-relationship with God.  Maybe when my heart has broken, and it has, there were no words to fall in.  Food for thought, eh?

Excerpt from "The Bible and the Land of Shades:
Divine Justice and How We Read the Bible" by David J. Goa

The pupil asks the rabbi, “Why are we told to place these words 
upon our hearts? Why does it not tell us to place these words in our 
heart?

In fact, the question already lives within the differing translations
of the text. The Hebrew, al-levavekha, means “upon your heart,” but in
the vast majority of the English translations it is rendered as “in your
heart.” It is as though the translators, like the pupil in the story, cannot
understand why it is said “upon your heart.”


Why, then are we not told to place these words, these root
words of the entire teaching, in our heart?

The rabbi answers: “Because,” he replies, “we are unable to put
these words into our heart. All that we can do is to place these words
upon our heart.”

The pupil waits. He has come to understand that the teaching is
about himself, myself, one’s own being. The ideas are about me, here, in
front of the question of myself. Hearing the rabbi’s reply, more of the
question begins to form on the pupil’s lips: Then what am I to do? What
are we to do? But before he can speak it, the rabbi answers.
“Our hearts are closed. All we can do is to place these words
upon our heart. And there they stay . . . ”


“. . . until one day the heart breaks . . .and the words fall in."

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Every Stitch is a Prayer

Like many women of my age, I learned various practical homekeeping skills while still in the single digits, things like darning, sewing buttons, patching, knitting, knife sharpening, sewing, knitting, crochet and the less practical crafts like embroidery, crewel, needlepoint, beading and fine hand finishing (my godmother was a tailor).  I learned to measure, to adjust patterns to fit, to sew and alter clothing, and to cook meals consisting of two veggies, one starch, one protein and a fruity dessert without benefit of boxes, cans, microwaves or a take-out menu.  Not only did I learn these things by watching my mother, my aunts and my grandmothers, but many of these things were also required classes in school.  Public school.  Many of the things that I learned, I just don't do anymore, mostly because I don't have time, the need, or the inclination.

These homemaking skills are not commonly practiced anymore, and if they are, they are practiced as creative art forms rather than because these are the things that make every day life run more smoothly.  They are just not a part of every day life anymore.  It's a shame, really, but I fully understand that the go go go pace of our modern life does not allow for homely pursuits.

I am now 57, and my only child is 23.  She has no interest in most of these things, though she also watched her grandmother and I practice them.  She has not learned most of these skills, so she cannot pull them out when needed, or more importantly, wanted, in the future.  At least she sees the inherent value of the quirky, handmade item, lovingly crafted by Mom, but still, she has no desire to learn to do these things for herself.  I don't think her peers are much different.

I've gone through various craft stages in my life, from quilting, embroidery and crewel, to a decades-long obsession with needlepoint, to a decade or so where I sewed all my clothing, but always, I have drawn and painted and cooked and knit, although I put knitting aside when Dear Daughter came along because I loved my mother's sheer joy at knitting for her grandchild so much.

A few years ago, I took up knitting again; somehow it caught me, and I am helpless to stop.  The rhythmic, repetitive nature of the craft is mesmerizing and relaxing, and the click of the needles transports me to a simpler time when I was little and my mother was knitting something beautiful while sitting in her lipstick red leather recliner.  That clickety click is truly the background music of my life.   My mother never, ever simply sat - she always had some knitting, or handwork, or a book in her hands, and I find it hard to simply do one thing at a time as well.  My mind is always running in a dozen different directions, but when I knit, it quiets down and I can focus better.

My cousin Ethel is another person who really, really loved to knit.  I say loved in the past tense, because although she is only ten years older than me, she hasn't been able to knit at all for probably ten or twelve years due to carpal tunnel surgery and arthritis.  She simply cannot do it, and it has created a real void in her life.  She misses it.

I was washing dishes this morning, and the warm water soothed my aching fingers so much.  I noticed that my hands no longer look like my hands - they look like my Mother's hands.  My index fingers ache so much, and they have arthritic knobs in the same places, and are slowly turning and twisting like her hands.  How long will my hands allow me to do the things I love to do?  The things that tie me to the beloved women that went before? The things that make ordinary things like sweaters or mittens into unique works of art, but carry my love and prayers?

Knitting is so profound.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Sometimes, I am amazed...

I have been struggling for a while now, with some decisions, as everyone does.  Sometimes, I am amazed at how seemingly random quotes read on Facebook walls are simply not random at all.  Here is what I read today, from "Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives."

The Lord looks at the inner depth of the heart, at what the heart longs for and what it desires. And if He sees that a soul cannot come home, the Lord will in His own time, cleanse it and draw it to the center and the soul will find peace. However, if in the innermost part of the heart there is something unclean, something that is attracted to this world and is bound to it, then our wandering wi
ll last a long time and we will endure much sorrow and suffering. We who are, so to speak, pious, will have more sorrow than those who are not. This is because they do not feel inner pain, they give thought not to eternity but only to things of this world: enjoyment, food, drink….Their attention is entirely focused on this, whereas ours is divided: we want to be with the Lord, yet we have not let go of material things; our heart is still attached to them and we are not free. It is for this reason that we suffer a lot.

~Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica


That's me.  I have a foot in both camps, and simply cannot make a firm decision one way or the other.  Someone I know has said to me on a number of occasions, you cannot ride two horses, yet that is what I'm attempting to do, and the effort has, indeed, bruised me.  I have endured much sorrow and suffering.

Much to think and pray about in this quote.  Maybe I'll read the book.  Maybe not.  Maybe I'm not quite ready for this amount of truth.

At least not today.  Maybe next week when I'm focussed on iconography with my teacher, Ksenia, who has so much to teach me, some of which is about iconography.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Birthday Musings with the sisters of my heart


Dear Ro and Ethel,

Thanks for the Birthday greetings!  I had a great day today.  I had a couple of hours of comp time, so I went into work late, left early, and had a really long lunch.  My work friends gave me a funny card and a cupcake.  Elisabeth telephoned me to sing Happy Birthday, as did one of my goddaughters.  I had some cards in my mail the last few days which is always nice, and my friend Cindy took me to dinner the other night since she is busy tonight.  Tonight I went to dinner with a group of friends to a Mexican restaurant where I drank two giant margaritas, ate up a STORM, and had the cute waiters sing to me in heavily accented Spanglish.  They don't give you a free birthday dessert at that restaurant - they make you wear a giant black and silver sombrero and drink a shot of tequila.  When I got home, I checked my email and found your birthday wishes and some others, and a ton of birthday wishes on Facebook.  I'm a lucky woman.

I was thinking about the night I was born. When I was little, I used to pester my mother to tell me the story of when I was born, and Elisabeth did the same to me.  Mama always told the story the same way, about how happy everyone was.  But it wasn't all happiness, it was a scary night, wasn't it?  Who knew if we would live or die? Now that I'm a mother, I understand how my own mother felt, since our stories mirror each other so much.  I was a late in life, miracle baby to a mother who was never supposed to get pregnant.  I know first-hand how happy my parents were, partly because I experienced it, and partly because my father, when the Alzheimers took away any semblance of restraint, told me endlessly how happy he was to have a baby, and how it made their somewhat rocky marriage so much stronger, and how he felt when he saw me for the first time.  I also went through a period in pregnancy (and also later), when it was touch and go and could have lost Elisabeth.  I remember how that felt, and I realized that my mother must have felt those exact things the night I was born.  I know I was a caesarian birth because my mother was hemorrhaging from a placenta previa, and we both could easily have died.  I know how my father must have felt, driving down from NH, not knowing what would greet him when he made it to the hospital. 

I'm not saying this to be a downer, but instead to say, at the ripe old age of 57, I realize that there is nothing new in the world, and that everything that happens to me has happened before to someone else, oftentimes to someone that I know and love.  Those things that have brought me to my knees have been born by others.  I was thinking about that tonight - maybe it was the slight buzz I had - and I just wanted to say to you both that I love you so very much, and I respect that you are both strong women who have been my biggest cheerleaders all my life.   We are cousins, yes, and I grew up in your house and bugged the crap out of you as a kid, but the strands that bind us are more than a shared gene pool - we have all been parented by women who have been through the wringer, and we have been through the wringer ourselves, and we live to tell the tale.  We are survivors. Wow.  I'm impressed, truly.  So, before I call it a night and get in bed, I'm having a little nightcap with toast to you.  

To my beautiful big cousins!

Love you,

Denise

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Is that the sky I see?

Yep, those words came out of my mouth.  Unfortunately, I was in my backyard storage shed at the time. So, I spent part of January getting a new roof put on the shed, and getting it painted.  Then, I got another quote for the huge floor tiling job, which was simply too high, and a quote for the drywall repair and painting of the living room, which I accepted.  Now my house is covered in a fine layer of drywall dust. The painter is doing a wonderful job, but is very, very slow.  I would estimate that in four full days, he has accomplished two days' worth of work.  I told him everything must be completed by Friday evening so that I could get the house back to rights before my houseguest arrives for an overnight stay next week - that leaves two more days.  Hey, it could happen!

I guess the picture a day fell by the wayside too.  I took a few before photos of the living room and will post them soon!  February will be busy, too, I think.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

A Photo A Day - January 3, 4 and 8

January 3 - Something I adore.  No, not my beautiful male cat, Kyo, though I do adore his sweet and loving disposition.  No, this picture is of SLEEPING!  I adore sleeping!  Yes, I do!  Unfortunately, I don't do a whole lot of it, but I'd like to do more.  If you can't sleep well, then sleep often, that's my motto!  It seems to be Kyo's motto also.  Hm....



January 4 - Letterbox.  Folks, this isn't just any old letterbox.  This is a primo letterbox which was a gift from two of the nicest people in the world, my dear, dear friends, Billy and Melvin.  My letter box was tilting like the Tower of Pisa after someone who shall remain nameless backed her car into it.  Every day, it tilted a little more, but that unknown person ignored it until it was ready to topple over completely.  One evening after work, she noticed that there was a brand spanking new mailbox!  Which is why Billy and Melvin are the BEST.  If you don't believe me, you can look at my Facebook photo album entitled, "Why Billy and Melvin are the BEST."  No joke.



January 8 - My sky.  I just shot the waning sun through the trees on my front lawn.  Although I complain about the mountains of leaves to rake from my many, many trees, and threaten to cut every tree down from time to time, I really do love my pine and live oaks and magnolia and walnuts.  They are so beautiful, especially against the sky.



Saturday, January 07, 2012

A Photo A Day - January 2 and 7

January 2 - Breakfast.  This is my actual breakfast today, January 7th: Puffed rice, almond milk and coffee.  Usually I include a banana when I have cereal, but alas, no bananas in the house today!



January 7 - Favorite.  FAVORITE?  You want me to choose JUST ONE?????  AYEEEEEEE!  As I have said many times, a lipstick obsession is much more reasonable, cheaper, and smaller than a shoe obsession.  My mother's girlfriend, Jess Davis used to say, you are never really dressed without lipstick.  Words to live by, my friends.  Words to live by!  If I absolutely HAD to choose a favorite, though, I think it would be MAC's Plumfill.  Maybe.  I don't know how many lipsticks I currently own - you count 'em.  I'm too busy deciding which one I will wear today!


PS:  Here's a hint or two -- this is a 10" dinner plate, and in the center of the plate, the lipsticks are three deep.  Just sayin'...  I think there are few in my car that are not pictured, and I didn't check the pockets of all my skirts and pants, and there are a few in my desk at work..  Look closely and you will note lipsticks of all price points and manufacturers.  The most expensive one I ever bought was Lancome's Fetish because I tried it in a makeover with a friend, and I simply had to have it - it was like rose SILK! - and the cheapest being the 99 cent ones at CVS.  I love them both and everything in between, but my favorite manufacturer is MAC because they glide silkily and smell like vanilla.  YUM!