Mama

Beatrice Elena Cieri Babineau

March 13, 1919 - February 11, 2005

It has been two years since my mother died. Today, it has been two years. I keep replaying that last day in my head, that last day that I knew would her last day. I remember everything.

After two years, the constancy of the pain has ended. Now, there is only pain when I remember that I will never see her again, or smell her, or talk with her, or hear her voice, or touch her, and that is every single day. But its not constant. There are periods of every day when I'm busy doing something else, or reading, or painting, when I don't remember that my mother is dead.

Sometimes when I remember her, I remember good things and laugh. I tell stories about her to people. Once in a while, I do or say something very Bea-like and my daughter laughs and tells me that I'm channeling her. We laugh together over remembrances about Mom a lot.

But underneath it all, the forever of death is sharp and painful and neverending.

I read Sheila's blog yesterday, and she wrote: "I miss my mother all the time; it only hurts when I think about it, so I try not to think about it too much." I understand. I miss my mother too, and I miss her mother as well. Love is strong - it won't allow itself to be severed - so you go on loving but with nowhere to actually "put" that love, because the person is gone.

When Adam and Eve were thrown out of Paradise, they were told that the results of their sin would cause them to live by the sweat of their brow and to bear children in pain. That pain is not physical labor pains, I don't think, not at all. That pain is knowing that death and separation are inevitable, and you will be separated from those you love the most. You will die and those you love will die.

The biggest pain is this: Whatever I'm feeling, the pain and loss and loneliness and separation, my death will inflict on my daughter. Deep sigh.

Today, as is the Orthodox custom, my parish will serve a memorial service for my mother following liturgy. The words of the prayers are so beautiful -- I pray them for my mother regularly:

O God of spirits and of all flesh, who has trampled down Death and overthrown the devil, and given life to the world; Do Thou, the same Lord, give rest to the soul of Thy departed handmaid, Beatrice, in a place of brightness, a place of verdure, a place of repose, where all sickness, sorrow and sighing have fled away. Pardon every transgression which she has committed, whether by word, or deed, or thought. For Thou art a good God and lovest mankind; because there is no man who lives and sins not: for Thou only art without sin, and Thy righteousness is to all eternity, and Thy word is truth.

Give rest with the just, O our Saviour, to Thy handmaid, Beatrice, and establish her in Thy courts as it is written; not regarding her sins, as Thou art good, whether voluntary or involuntary, and all things commmitted in knowledge or in ignorance, O Thou who lovest mankind.

With the saints give rest, O Lord, to the soul of Thy handmaid, Beatrice, where there is neither sickness, nor sorrow, nor sighing, but life everlasting.

Thou only art immortal, who has created and fashioned man. For out of the earth were we mortals made, and unto the earth shall we return again, as Thou did command when Thou made me, saying: For earth thou art, and unto the earth shalt thou return. Wither also all we mortals wend our way, making our funeral dirge the song: Alleluia!

Give rest O Lord, to the soul of Thy handmaid Beatrice, departed this life.

With the spirits of the Righteous made perfect, give rest to the soul of Thy handmaid, Beatrice, O Lord, and preserve her in that life of blessedness which is with Thee, O Thou who lovest mankind. In the place of Thy rest, O Lord, where all Thy saints repose, give rest also to the soul of Thy handmaid, Beatrice, O Lord, for Thou only lovest mankind.

Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.

Thou art God who descended into hell and loosed the bonds of the captives: Do Thou also give rest to the soul of Thy handmaid, Beatrice, O Lord.

Now and Ever and unto ages of ages. Amen.

O Virgin alone pure and undefiled, who without seed brought forth God, pray that her soul may be saved.

Amen.