I need....

I need to devote some serious prayer time today. I'm going to see my
Dad in the nursing home today and bring him his Christmas presents. This
will be the first time that my daughter has been willing to visit him since
last spring because it is so upsetting to her. My exhusband is visiting
and he is going to visit him as well. I am dreading her and his reactions.
The last time I saw my dad, he had a very hard time remembering me and
although I know intellectually that is just part of the disease, it just
about did me in.

My dad will be 90 his next birthday and he has prostrate cancer as well as
advancing Alzheimers. When my mother was close to dying last February, I
had to put him in a nursing home because I just couldn't take care of both
of them and I still feel awful about the decision I had to make. Since
he's been in the nursing home, of course, his Alzheimers has gotten worse
and worse. Today may be the day that he won't be able to recall who I am,
no matter what I do.

The slow decline of your parents takes its toll in odd and unexpected ways,
at least that's how it has been for me. I expected to feel sad and to miss
my father since everything that makes him himself has slowly died. I miss
my mother terribly since she died, every minute of every day, and this
holiday season has been pretty hard.

What I hadn't expected, though, is the lack of patience I have with all
kinds of people and things. You know, the normal petty selfishness that
people exhibit, including myself - I find myself saying, oh great - more
me-ism. We are each the center of our own universe, aren't we? We find it
hard to think outside the box that is our own foibles, sins and neuroses -
our me-ism colors everything, doesn't it?

So, this year, I've dealt with all kinds of things: the death of my mother,
my father slipping away, moving, my 15 yo dd announcing that she is not a
christian any longer, almost losing the program that funds my job, lots of
money problems, menopause and all its hormonal and emotional shifts, my
dearest friend talking about me grabbing for power at my church and about
my parenting skills and basically calling my daughter a slut behind my back.
One of my direct reports died last week and I have to fire a sweet little old
grandmother after the first of the year. I've been traveling on business about
2 or 3 weeks out of four since June. My pastor told me last night that I'm
suffering exhaustion, and its true. I'm suffering from mental, spiritual,
physical and emotional exhaustion.

Its been hard to just put one foot in front of the other most days, but I've
done my best and relied on God to get me through, and He did. I've tried to
stay busy to keep myself from wallowing in my own misery, which has worked
pretty well. But, I'm tired, and I'm so very sad and depressed, and I'm so
alone. My friends don't see that, because I've been careful to continue as
I always have, at least outwardly, so I guess I need to add being untruthful
to the list.

Why is it that people, myself included, have such a hard time looking beyond
themselves to what others are feeling and have some compassion instead of
judgmentalism? This past year, when I've tried to put myself in someone
else's shoes, my basic response has been, to myself at least, just get over
it. Why do I want others to just get over it but I am having so much
difficulty getting "over it" myself? Where is my patience and compassion
for others? And where is it for myself?

Sigh.

No one will ever read this but me, I know, but as I read my post, I'm struck
by what a whiner I am. And such a downer. I want to blame menopause for making
me feel sorry for myself. Or is it some kind of basic character flaw
comprised of selfish self-pity? Is it just the stress of having my
exhusband visiting in my house? Whatever, I'm missing my mother's wise counsel and her loving arms so very much today, and I've vomited this out to this cyber journal instead.

Maybe I should post this on the Orthodox Women's list and get some cyber hugs and lots of good advice as well. And maybe I should stop wallowing in my negative emotions.