I had a couple of invites for tonight, but E and I decided to stay home. Its not that we're antisocial, at least not much, but we wanted to take the opportunity to start the new year together, quietly. This past year has been so chaotic with so much pain - every time I think about it, I am overwhelmed with grief, so I try to not think about it much. E has decided to take a nice bubble bath for the next couple of hours until its time to toast in 2006, and I'm in an introspective mood, so I'm sitting here at the computer.
Am I wallowing in pain? Do I secretly enjoy nursing it along, poking at my wounds until they bleed again? Is melancholy my basic temperment? I'm not sure.... maybe. And more importantly, have I passed this introspective melancholia on to my daughter? Again, maybe. Most people would probably say that she and I have been through a lot (and we have), so its understandable and even expected that we would still the feel effects, but I think differently. Not that we shouldn't feel whatever it is that we are feeling - no, I'm willing to own my emotions - but instead, I am beginning to understand that melancholy is a choice, and a selfish choice at that. Its more me-ism. Poor me. Poor Denise. She's been through so much. Poor Elisabeth. She's been through more than a kid her age should ever have to go through. Do we, both of us, somehow crave that kind of attention? Do I secretly enjoy the admiration of others? There may be an element of truth to this -- I'll have to ponder this some more.
One of the ladies on the Orthodox Women's list said the most profound thing: "Now that you are spent completely, May our Lord our Lord fill you up." I've been thinking about this for a few days. This is my prayer, but the problem is that I'm not spent completely and I don't think that I will ever, ever be spent utterly completely. There is always a kernal of something indefinable to draw on still inside - is that God? Except for once and that was brief in the scheme of things. I've been thinking about being truly spent a lot and I know I'm not there right now.
But, my prayer for 2006 truly is for God to fill me up. How else can I cope? Who else can I rely on? How else can I be the mother that my daughter needs? How else can I ever LIVE? Really LIVE? So, the choice for 2006 is, to choose life rather than melancholy, to choose freedom rather than bondage to the past and things I cannot do anything about, to choose joy rather than sadness, to choose communion rather than loneliness.
In our faith there is a strong image of God as lover and we, the Church, His people, as the bride. The imagery is strongly sensual. If I knew God in that way, I know that this deep longing would be satisfied. I just don't know how to get to there from here. Maybe its like waterskiing - Skippy told me to just hold on tight, sit back on the skis and let the boat pull me around the lake. And it worked - I waterskiied at 4. Maybe thats what I need to do - hold on tight, lean on the church and let God pull me around the lake.
Nah, its too simplistic for me. I have to make everything difficult - if its easy, I can't find the value in it. I really don't know what I'm looking for - all these years I've been blindly looking and searching for something, or someone to fill up that empty space. Maybe that space has been filled all along but I haven't had eyes to see that.
Lord, I pray that you will meet my daughter and me in our little house and take us by the hand and show us what we've been missing. I pray that you complete what is lacking in both of us. I pray that you show us how to love each other, and to love you, and to show love to others. I pray that you give us both strength to cope with whatever 2006 has in store for us. And, I pray that you hold my father gently in your arms.
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