Things I wish I could do over

1. I wish I could relive the last day of my mother's life. I regret leaving her for half an hour so very much.

2. I wish I had gone right up to my grandmother's coffin and kissed her goodbye when I was 15 years old

3. I wish I hadn't married who I did

4. I wish I had worked harder at truly learning instead of coasting through school

5. I wish I hadn't been so hot to get married and had continued as an undergraduate through the spring semester, or maybe even the summer semester, so I could have graduated with a triple major

6. I wish I had gone to graduate school

7. I wish I had gone to Mass College of Art or NE Conservatory as I wanted to

8. I wish I hadn't given up my career in human resources and hospital administration to move to CA in 1980. By now, I would be running a large hospital and making beaucoup bucks

9. I wish that I didn't grow up during the days of sex, drugs and rock and roll

10. I wish that I had kept my virginity until I married

11. I wish that I had taken my mother to the tea house for her last mother's day

12. I wish that I told my godmother how much I loved her before she died, but I'm so glad that I didn't make that mistake twice and told my other auntie over and over

13. I wish I had left my husband after the honeymoon - I knew that we were mismatched on the honeymoon and wish I had enough guts to just cut my losses right then, at the beginning

14. I wish I could relive just that one special day - I know the one I mean. I keep it in my heart and pull it out when I need to.

15. I wish that I had gotten therapy when I was going through infertility. That's when I began to change and lose my self esteem and self discipline

16. I wish I had gotten intensive therapy when dd was going through chemo and afterward, because maybe I could have coped better and not have thrown my husband out, but I'm not sorry that I ended the marriage. Not one little bit. I should have done it after the honeymoon, such as it was.

17. I wish I was different. I wish I had a true gift in something so that I could more easily focus on one thing, and then I'd have direction. I've been floating and flapping around all my life because I can't settle on one thing

18. I wish I hadn't settled. I keep telling dd - don't "settle" - hold out for what you really want. Its better to do without than to have something that is not what you want. Don't settle for something that is "good enough" - do without until you can get what you want.

19. I wish I had had higher standards for myself, in every aspect of my life, when I was young

20. I wish I had applied for scholarships and gone to a good college. I had amazingly high SATs - 1490 - and I could have gotten in pretty much anywhere I applied, but I didn't even apply. Why is that? Fear of failure? Thinking small? My mother's influence? I should have just gone for it.

21. I wish I had kept up the french horn

22. I wish I had taken piano lessons as a child and young adult

23 I wish I had kept up my french

24 I wish I had talked with my oldest friend, K, one last time before he died to make sure that he knew I loved him

25 I wish I could relive that afternoon a few weeks before Grammie died, when it was just her and me watching TV and she hugged me so hard and said, "You love your old Grammie don't you?" and I was just a stupid kid and didin't know what to say back - I said something inane instead of taking the opportunity to tell her how much I loved her, and how much I admired her.

26. I wish I could take back the whole Ernest and Samantha friendship, as well as the Cat and Thom friendship. They were so much fun, but they were bad for me and I knew it, but it was too much fun to give up

27. I wish that I could go back in time and told Memiere and Pepiere that I really did love them, and that it took me until I was an adult to understand that there is more than one way to love, and that the noisy, messy Italian way of loving is not the only way, and that the reserved and quiet New England way is just as deep. I didn't know that as a child but I do now, and I wish I could tell them that I understand them now in a way that I couldn't then, and that I love them.

28. I wish I could relive that camping trip B and I took with dd. That was the kind of life I wanted to have as a family. I carry mental snapshots of that trip in my heart.

29. I wish that I had told my former pastor no when he asked me to be a godmother. But I was prideful and flattered when he talked to me as an equal minister about her needs and prideful enough to think that I could help her.

30. I wish that I could relive Dr. Guidice's phone call to me, telling me that I was finally pregnant. That was a good day.

31. I wish that I could relive 7/14/93 through 7/14/97. Its a long series of heartaches and bad choices. Maybe I could do it better now.

32. I wish I could relive the last two years of my mother's life - maybe not relive it, argh! it was horrible! But I wish I could do parts of it over. I wish I had had more patience and had been more understanding of the pressure my mother was under. Conversely, I wish I had spoken up more and not allowed her to talk to my Dad the way that she did.... It was a bad situation all around and neither of them should have had to go through that at the end of their lives. What a sucky way to end your life together, after 59 years, too. If I could do it over, maybe I could find the right balance this time around.

33. I wish I had never gotten hooked on Mr. Moonpie. I wish I hadn't been taken in by his moonpie eyes. He gave me just enough to keep me hanging on and hoping and I got so entangled that I missed out on living an authentic life and maybe even meeting a nice man. I wish he had never kissed me, or taken me out. I wish I had never settled for the crumbs he gave me, keeping me on a string. He took up five years of my life - I should never have allowed that to happen. I wish I could do that over.

34. I wish I could redo my last haircut. I hate it. With a passion.