Anniversary

Today is something called Confederate Memorial Day, and as a state employee, I have today off. I'm still tired from the strenous Holy Week and Pascha, and have been spending some time just thinking this morning.

Today, April 28th, would have been my 29th wedding anniversary. It seems just a couple of years ago, but it wasn't. I'm not that young 23 year old any more. The ex and I lived together for more than 14 years before we separated, so we certainly didn't give up too easily.

What makes one marriage work and another fail? I think its the needs and expectations that each partner brings to the table. When expectations aren't met, it causes trouble. When needs aren't met, it causes a marriage to fail, and eventually end.

I certainly would never have dreamed that I would become a statistic. I never wanted to be a single mother, or to be single. Much of the reason that I wanted to marry the Ex is that he was stable and I felt that I could count on him, but in the end, I couldn't, and the marriage ended.

We have now been apart longer than we were married. We get along very well now, mostly because there are no strings, no needs, no expectations. He is who he is and I am who I am. We are accepting (mostly) of each other. He still doesn't take my advice, but I no longer feel responsible to save him, so its ok. Had we remained married, I don't think we would have come to this place, and this place is good. I can see the good in him where I could not before.

29 years ago, I was so hopeful for the future, so in love, so settled. I knew that life would have trials and tribulations, but I knew in my heart that together he and I could get through anything. I know better now, and in some ways, I mourn that innocence.

Our daughter is just about to go to college and be on her own. She is full of the same optimism and hope and sureness that life will be good. She's an innocent. I see the passing of the seasons and rejoice in this season of new beginnings for her.

So, 29 years ago, my beautiful wedding dress was freshly pressed and waiting for me to put it on. I was putting my hair up right about now, and my maid of honor and my mom were helping me get ready. I was excited about the future.

Today, I'm looking at another new beginning - the beginning of my life without any daily responsibilities to parents, spouse or daughter - to anyone other than myself, really. I wonder what I'll make of my new life? I don't have a plan, and I don't know what I want or need, but I do know that God knows all that. I just have to wait to find out what He has in store for me apres motherhood.